…in every man.
I just realized as I was showering yesterday (I seem to think better in the shower for some reason), that I am now taking a lot better care of myself than before. I mean, ever since Kitreena. It’s like taking care of two little children pulak sometimes. Contoh lah kan, everytime I de-wax Kitty’s ears, ahak ahak…I check mine as well. And why is that, I wonder.
Perhaps because of the
deprivation I was talking about not very long ago. I said, I grew up feeling deprived of so many things. And I am not playing any ‘blame-game’ either now. It’s just…so hard having to share one mom and one dad with seven other siblings. Of course I am not the only one feeling like this. Mereka dan keluarga mereka, all of them feeling the same way.
I berani bet a dollar to my shoes lah, each and every one of my adik-beradik has, at some point of time, felt the way I did. Tapi tu lah kan…it’s a matter of choice. I chose to feel deprived, and I believed that I was deprived of attention, understanding and meaningful time with my parents. But then again, who am I to say. Having eight children was my parents’ choice. And it was a valid choice. Was it not?
And it is now MY choice to ‘unchoose’ the feelings, probably by taking care of that little Enida in me. (Good thing I named Kitreena’s middle name the same too. Smart move, Enida!) Bak kata John Gray, embrace that little child in you, pat her on the back, smile at her, weep with her, love her. Sounds like an excuse to pamper myself, eh? But hey, if not me…saper lagi?
At this age – I am thirty-something by the way – in case you haven’t noticed, you have VERY selective memories. Again, it’s by choice, you choose to remember the past events that have significance on the man or woman you have become. If you are a successful person, you’d stress on the experiences that have enriched you, that have made you whole, that have made you big. And if you are not, you might be a little vindictive. Then, haaaa, only then…you love the blame-game!
As for maself, perhaps it was the deprivation that had shaped me, turning me into the Enida that I am. I have yet to measure my achievements as grand, no! Not even near. Tapi kan, what is success…really? Do you take into account the amount you have in your savings account. Echeh! Having fun with the pun lah pulak kan! Honestly, how does one get five stars in terms of life’s successes? How and when do you truly know you are a successful person?
I have seen quite a few countries (uh, what is globe is bahasa ek?) But I haven’t seen Egypt and I haven’t menjejakkan kaki to Peking (Beijing lah tu) where my mom’s Popo was from. And woii, I don’t know if I ever jejak Kashmir where my papajee’s grandparents were from. I have a degree and am working on a second one, in the field that I actually was originally interested in. And oh, am I having fun doing it or what! Mothering a child, I reckon, is an achievement on its own. But it’s a Work in Progress as it is.
So what is success?Cliché as it may sound, I measure success with how happy I am. I am my own picture of happiness. Thanks to the deprivation, of course. Bak kata Kahlil Gibran: “The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.”
Now, will it ever get any truer than that?
Questa è Enida 
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