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Edrick was telling me how his knuckles hurt a bit after the soccer training the other day. I reassured him that it is normal when one takes up a sport and how it takes a toll on our body.

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Mom: But the main thing is you enjoy it.
Edrick: Yeah. I know Mom. I’m not complaining.
Mom: I know, I can see how passionate you are about soccer.
Edrick: Mom, no pain no gain.
Mom: Hey! That’s my line!
Edrick: I know, you’ve taught me well.
Mom: Awwwwwww!

.EDRICK LITTLE LEAGUE

[Photo Credit to Little League Soccer]

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Antara

Thoughts are wingless birds, but you cage them anyway.

Walk Ever

When my last pair of white Kitay-Gorod walking shoes were put to their final rest, I swore I had no faith in finding another that would walk with me as long as they did. Nine years.

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And I swore my heart would never beat for another pair ever again. From then on, for many faithless years, I learned to take small steps again. One at a time. Not looking for a new pair to love.

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Until I fell.
For these…

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安静

March 25, 2017:
One thing I noticed about strong-minded people is that… even in times when they feel the most helpless, they often end up helping others instead. And that even in times when they desperately need someone to talk to, they usually end up being the one listening.

Silence

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February 16, 2018:
Almost a year later, I noticed that there is a big bottle in each of these strong-minded people, filled with their own words. The bottle stuffed. Capped. The words left unsaid.

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By All Means

IMG_1953February 22, 2017:
I was going to say it’s way past my bedtime. But the truth is, I’m not sure when exactly my bedtime is. It has been shambolically at sixes and sevens these last few… years. Yes, it has been years since this kampung girl first ran around selling t-shirts for a mere hundred dollars.

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Five years, to be exact.

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There have been so many sleepless nights and sleepful days that in all honesty, I am beginning to miss me. Kids are growing up and growing fast. Our Mesra home has been without Bibik since 2015 and us three have grown remarkably unsusceptible to the dust on the corners of the staircase.

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As an abnormal family (as labeled by Kitreena), we are doing not too bad. Edrick has grown moustache and Kitreena has embraced vegetarianism. I still fit in many of my outfits from 1997 but they are mainly towels and baggy sweaters. I have more grey hair than brown, that’s for sure. To be able to visit my salon as often as I need to, I save hard. And I have found an inexpensive hairdresser in Ampang, although I still don’t go as often as I need to.

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But most importantly, with a moustached 11-year old son and a vegetarian daughter whose hair has grown straight,  we have grown to love and embrace our abnormality.

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February 16, 2018:
I just read Syed Azmi’s post about a family in Melaka struggling to make ends meet. It was what the husband said about his little family that made me think about mine. My life without a husband, and my little family abnormal and all, I am happy to repeat after him… “Kami mungkin susah, tapi kami bahagia.”

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Susah is, by all means, subjective.

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A to Zzzz

I mean… seriously!

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On Monday mornings I get up around 0530, 0615 the latest. In fact, on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday mornings I get up at 0500. Sometimes earlier, sometimes later. But no later than 0630. The drive to school depends on the timing and the traffic. What’s new? If we leave home before 0650, the drive is usually 20 minutes tops. But anything after 0700, it could go up to 40 minutes to an hour. I make my way home after the drop off between 0745 and 0815.

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And then it’s setting up time for me. The self, the body and the tummy. At times, work starts from the school gate and off to wherever things need to be delivered or picked up. Lucky if I get to come home to sip on Nescafe Gold in the kitchen. At other times, mornings are for the house maintenance work – waiting for the plumber, or the contractor. But there are always things to do. Whether it is work, or ‘home’ work.

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By noon, lunch is prepared, or at least set out from the freezer for early supper-cooking session. And that leaves me about an hour or so to look at t-shirts or hoodies to order from the suppliers, while taking orders online. And when there are modules to be prepared, I have to forget about breakfast, plumbing, cleaning up, cooking and sometimes ordering. But of course some days are diamonds and some days are stones. On diamond days, I get to do breakfast with my sisters or my trusted friends.

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In the afternoon, the kids are usually picked up on my way to, yet again, the suppliers, or tailors, or embroiderers, or what have you. But there are days that I have to rush them home for their music lessons or dance classes in the evening. And that works perfectly fine when I have to drive about 70km to another supplier, and 70km back, stopping at the bus terminal or the courier service stations for other deliveries. On the days without this long-distant delivery, the after-school time is always about school work, at home. I watch and I guide both kids doing their homework, single-handedly.

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By the time the day’s work is done, which is never truly done during the daylight… the sun is down. On diamond days, I get to be at home to cook meals for my kids and have the luxury of dining with them and asking them their highs and lows of the day. But when it is a stone day, lucky if I get home in time to say good night. I kiss them anyway… while they are sleeping. And then it is time for online orders and managing projects again. And I do some reading, to keep me alive. I write too, to keep me sane.

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The cycle starts again every morning after a good three to four hours of sleep.

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The only time I sleep in the morning or afternoon of Monday or Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday or Friday or any time before midnight is when I am dying.

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Thanks.

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Cenggini lah…

Macam ni lah…

The way I see it, we both are lost souls. You don’t know what you want and I don’t know what I don’t want. Whichever way we look at us, we have two choices:

  • We can find our way out of this loss together, putting up with each other’s quirks and monstrosities, hoping that we get out of this alive.
  • Or we find our way out on our own separate paths.
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Either way, life is getting shorter and we are running out of time, energy and wit.

Runaway Blues.

Are you coming with me?
Coz if you are, let’s get started with our eyes closed.

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[I actually wrote this some time in October 2014.
To find that it still ‘applies’ now is scary, to say the least.
Have I not changed since? Should I have?]

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