Questa è Enida

Cicero was supposed to be back this morning. Noon came, and these guys from Al Majid Computer tak nampak batang hidung pun. I don’t care about other batangs except for batang penyapu to hantam sama dia. I called Jijoy (what a name eh?) and was asked to call Sunish. So I called Sunish. He was half an hour away from dropping my PC off. So, that was supposed to happen at 12.30 midday. I waited, 12.30 came and went, 1.30 came and also went. 3.30, I called again. Sunish said he was in Ghubra or Ghala – whetever he said, I was already on a selective-hearing mode.

My wind went up the stairs sepuluh mata tangga, but I managed to keep cool. I wanted to be at work early today to get some papers ready for the new intake. And was not going to be home until after 7.30. But this very nice guy, Sunish, wouldn’t mind coming as late as after 7.45. Well, it was his call I thought. Being so trusting, I even set the reminder on my iPAQ and cellphone supaya tak karang tercarried away with my class. I tend to do that sometimes.

Came home 2 minutes before 7.45. Phew! The one-minute drive home from work was cut even shorter. I must have flown along Qurm Heights and Fahoud streets. Five to eight, I called Be on the home phone. Chitty chatty chitty chatty, quarter after 8, my phone just refused to ring. So I called Sunish on my cellphone. Somebody picked it up, but hello punya hello…kelekakk! He (I assumed it was Sunish lah, saper lagi?) hung up on me! Cilakak punya Sunish, if it was him!

I tried again, keletut-keletut-keletut, cellphone dah kena off lah pulak. Fine! I called Jijoy. But his brother spoke on behalf sebab Jijoy sudah demam, dia clinic sudah pegi doktor mau jumpa. Hah? Ye ke ni? My windy mood turned stormy. I called Sunish again, but it went numerous times unanswered. I sent him an SMS dengan ucapan: “Could you please send our PC back?” My last try was at 9 pm on the dot. Dot dot dot.

The background of the situation:

• We have been to Al Majid Computer in Ruwi 2-3 times.
• Jijoy and Sunish were at our place last Wednesday to fix the virus issue on our Cicero. So they were in our house for about 2 hours working on the computer.
• They came again Thursday afternoon to pick Cicero up – I thought I’d better let the pro handle the rebooting process.
• Jijoy and Sunish promised to get things done Saturday morning.
• Saturday morning passed, they didn’t call until I called them at midday.
• All I have now is their cellphone numbers – nothing else.

Now, what would you do if you were in my shoes?

What’s playing in my mind are questions and complaints like:

• What is going on huh?
• Is it that they haven’t fixed Cicero yet and are trying to buy time by making excuses and by avoiding me?
• When I called Sunish, he said Cicero was ready. Why didn’t HE call me? He knew it was ready. I didn’t.
• Why berjanji siap kasik time lagi, if he didn’t even know he could make it? Can I call that a lie?
• Three hours late – Sunish didn’t even have the courtesy to call back. How rude! What if I didn’t call?
• Sunish made all the promises to come at certain times. I waited and gave him the benefit of the doubt TWICE. I would’ve given him THRICE if he had not tried to avoid picking up his phone tonight.
• Why isn’t Sunish answering his phone?
• Is Jijoy really sick?
• At this hour of course there is nothing I can do. I have to wait til tomorrow to try call them again.

And then, there are the what-if’s:

• What if they were penyangak and dah bawak Cicero lari?
• What if they had found some secured info on Cicero that has enabled them to purchase something on the internet – now trying to buy time, again. I am positive I had deleted all our folders/directories that might contain such data.
• What if they had done some damage to Cicero, like dropped it or broke it to pieces and were too scared to tell the truth?
• What if they had lost Cicero – maybe other penyangaks had grabbed it and run away – and again, were too scared to tell me the truth?
• What if I were actually blowing this out of proportion?

Calm down, Enida.
There’s always tomorrow. And Cicero is only a PC. What is the worst that can happen? Malam ni tadi as I was climbing up the stairs, one hand carrying this laptop and the other closing the curtain at the stair-landing window…I stopped for two seconds looking out the window, thinking that there’s only 14GB of memory on those discs I burned everything from Cicero onto. The other 14 million GB is in my head. Some are retrievable, some has memory errors. And for some, it’s just a matter of cutting and pasting into the right folders. Then I’ll be allright. My memory capacity is 64 hyperbolellion GB. A few bytes away from infinity and beyond.

If my biggest what-if turned out to be a kenyataan, hey…maybe I could go ahead and buy that HP laptop I saw the other day. Yang bagusnya with a laptop, I would have a computer right away at my new place (wherever that will be). Meaning, I don’t have to wait for the shipment/sea freight no more. So mobile, I probably can just give my iPAQ away. Can somebody luku my head with something now? I am blowing things out of proportion and am definitely berangan taik kucing dengan gamaknya. Luku me so hard that all this berangan taik kucing can go longkah from my brain. Tolong lah!

By the way, with my 64 hyperbolellion GB memory…I can’t even retrieve the data aka remember why berangan always comes with the “taik kucing” terms between myself and Cik Nan. She started it. Not that she is taik kucing fettish or anything. Perhaps she figured out that taik kucing has this masam-masam kind of smell. The masam that makes your nose really tercari-cari sumber bau nya, especially if somebody terpijak and terbawak masuk dalam kereta. Terselet pulak on your car mats yang jenis berpintal-pintal – messy loops and tangles that can catch taik kucing terselet real good tu.

So, when Cik Nan and I berangan taik kucing, we berangan so hard and so busuk, no matter how ridiculous and melampau…we simply can’t stop. Like sniffing mencari dari mana lah datang bau busuk taik kucing itu tadi. The more busuk masam it gets, the more vigorous your nose terkembang kempis, and the deeper you inhale. Hai meh? So busuk and masam that you simply can’t get enough of. Your nose, miraculously boleh ingat pulak tu how taik kucing smells like walaupun the closest you get to a kucing is like five miles away. And that was like 3 years and ten months back. Your nose remembers that kind of kemasaman.

Berangan taik kucing, analogically speaking, is an acquired habit as well. Between Cik Nan and I, there are always some things to berangan taik kucing about. The latest was us berangan how my life would be like if Be gets the position in KL. I must warn you, this berangan taik kucing will be quite masam. If you can’t take the acidity, you’d better stay away. Otherwise, if at any point the kemasaman hits your intelligence quotience, I suggest you roll your eyes or stick a finger the farthest possible down your throat and puke. The kemasaman smell in muntah might be a bit more bearable than that of taik kucing.

My life as an expat in my own country would be a blast. I should be living not too far away from Damansara Heights, Kenny Hill or Bukit Tunku, ek eleh cik main. Paling cokia nokia pun, Ampang lah. Cincai cincai. Because Be would be commuting to and fro the Twin Towers. So, tak boleh lah ambik rumah kat Country Heights Kajang or one of those kat IOI Palm Garden yang dekat JW Marriot. I have to have a house equipped with a swimming pool. Bila lagi nak merasa jadi orang kaya in Malaysia. Kalah Datin Diaries okay. She has fish pond, or a fountain…the one that has lights, one of which she tukor the bulb without asking help from Datuk or the driver. And here I am in my berangan taik kucing, it’s going to be a pool. No pond pond.

“Hah, ngko sorang je nak kaya?” The soalan that has been exchanged between Cik Nan and myself for years. This time, orang kaya nak balik ni hah. Dig up Virginia boys, dig up Virginia! We’ll be swimming with not gold fish, but gold nuggets. Echeh! And oh, we didn’t get to berangan taik kucing about the cars I will be driving in Malaysia sebab bab rumah besor with a swimming pool kat Damansara Heights sure had a lot to berangan taik kucing about.

Nevertheless, we were interrupted by Cik Nan’s reality check if my ongkampung from Kelilau would come over and menebeng for a week or two sebab curious sangat nak tengok swimming pool. Maklumlah, the closest they ever get to a swimming pool is to those olympic size shown on TV musim Sukan SEA or Olympic Games empat tahun sekali. My ongkampung would be so excited, siap basuh baju tepi pool bawak papan tonyoh baju. Tak cukup bersih dengan menonyoh, siap menghempas seraya membanting kain baju tu pelepap pelepapp pelepapp kat pinggir kolam. Part batu marmar yang kasor sikit tu, bior cepat sikit bersih.

Mana-mana sedara yang lupa nak bawak papan tonyoh or berus sabut, they can make use of the part around the pool where overflown water drains down. The part looks so much like the papan tonyoh itself. Ganyang, gonyoh and sental je kat situ. If they use too much of the Sabun Feb Buku baru kang, berbuih-buih pulak swimming pool aku. So kolam renang at my house would look like kolah besor kat sekolah arab lorong tiga kampung jana yang tak pernah tak ada muntah katak. If it wasn’t muntah katak, telur katak lah kot. Pendek kata berbuih-buih dengan sakan lah the kolam.

Itulah kelebihan Feb Buku baru!