Questa è Enida

The truth is, I am not able to talk much lately. I mean, I have lost the ability to express my thoughts in speech. Temporarily (I hope)! Tetiber je on Monday, my throat started to feel very sore. It quickly turned into a sandpaper pipe. By Thursday, I couldn’t make a sound. If all I could say was boo, I would have liked to. But I could not. So the truth now is revealed.

Hari ni saya bertukor-tukor sms dengan Tuanku. Nothing stimulating and far from merangsangkan things that are not supposed to terangsang, of course. He was on duty at the Malaysian-Singaporean border today, and on a big ordnance operation of some sort. Sounds like kerap jugak Tuanku terpaksa berjauhan dengan kerabat, terutama anakanda nan bertiga.

But like in those ancient years, Tuanku rajin bercerita about his duties. Sometimes bahasa Tuanku agak formal, sending me smiles and chuckles. Just like bahasa Tuanku dalam hundreds of his letters, many many many years ago. Or did those years ever really exist? Ah well.

Have you ever thought of someone from your past and ended up thinking more about yourself? How you have changed, and what have become of you. Saya selalu. Mengenang Tuanku, saya sebenarnya mengenang betapa rumaja nya diriku ini waktu itu. Deep down I still am that. That rumaja, that is.

But my body obviously cannot stay that way. That rumaja, that is.
I have started to lose a lot of hair. Oh yes I am…balding. Probably not as bad as my deary hubby is. But hey, he’s a man. Bald men are somewhat sexy what? But the fact is, I really am balding. There are two ‘bays’ on my head now. And the part on top pf my forehead looks more like a ‘tanjung’ the way I am balding.

I have lost count of my grey hairs. Long time ago sudah. And now I am counting the black hair – lost. So, what have become of me? Kalau umur saya ditakdirkan panjang, people would probably think my hubby and I were twins. So what.

I’ve been meaning to say this for the longest time…that I don’t mind growing old. Though mencabut uban boleh menjadikan saya asyik in front of the mirror for hours, it is some kind of a satisfaction. Like this one advertisement I saw on Oprah magazine. A picture of an elderly woman. Grey hair, wrinkles on the face, eye-bags and what have you. Grey hair represents invaluable experience, and lines on her face stand for birthdays and anniversaries she has celebrated in her life. How graceful!

I thought of myself when I saw that ad. And now I thought of that ad when I see myself. Kadang-kadang saya bayangkan diri saya berdiri sendirian dalam hujan in a field, enjoying every little drop of an afternoon rain. Not that I can’t describe it further, but those who can imagine it…(put yourself there instead) should feel cool by now.

When I said sms’s dari Tuanku tak merangsangkan…I lied. They did today. Like they have been, lately. Merangsang saya untuk mengenang masa silam. Of what I was and what I was becoming. The very least, I would like to think that I have become drop-dead thoughtful.