Questa è Enida

Tak rasa macam diri sendiri lately ni. Tak tau lah kenapa. Biasanya memang tak tau kenapa pun. Hard to explain, even to myself. Rasa macam nak mintak dipujuk, mintak dibelai. Tapi bila orang yang berkenaan pujuk dan belai, menyampah pulak. It must be really hard for Be to melayan me. It is hard enough for ME to melayan me, takkanlah ada yang tahan. I don’t want to feel guilty because it’s just going to make it more complicated. But I do feel guilty, and it is complicated sebab tak tau punca.

Banyak benda kot. Or maybe there’s nothing at all? One thing for sure, I know I am not motivated to do much these days sebab I don’t feel productive. I am out of work, and that makes me lazy. Too much time in my hand. When I am busy, the thing is, banyak pulak benda yang I can accomplish. The busier I get, the more I get done. Macam Raebok tu lah. When I have all five work days to myself, I would wait til Friday baru nak do what’s on my to-do list.

I feel fat-ter, too lately ni. But who’s to blame? Siapa yang malas exercise? Dah tu lagi nak depressed. Dah bertongkat rasanya perutku ini. And pipi pun rasa macam dah agak labuh dan lanjut sedikit! Tapi to get on the treadmill, adoi laaa liatnye. Sebelum classes ended aritu cik main lagi bersemangat Waja Gen2 semua rasa macam begitu teruja nak naik treadmill hari-hari. Siap beli bluetooth earphones to emboss the motivation plus the safety factor of it lah kan.

But now?

I have been thinking but not thinking about Be going to Sakhalin. Thinking and getting excited about the money – if it is really 43% increase. Memang half a million dollar chance in a lifetime lah if we can get the mortgage paid within the next three or four years. That will free us of our financial and location commitment. I have been so resentful renting this Hisham’s place because at the end of the day, the house will not be ours. Dah lah banyak nor benda are falling apart.

Tak nak fikir sangat pasal Sakhalin and get stressed out thinking about the time being away from him. And him being away from the kids. After chatting with Cik Nan the other day, memang it hit home lah that Kitreena and Edrick being the hardest hit. Kitreena has been really close to Daddy these last year and a half. Edrick pulak yang quite the opposite, will need the closeness if he were to bond with Daddy. Dah lah he’s known (to Dad) to be the ladies’ boy. Siap kena pelepap kat Cameron Highlands baru ni sebab tak nak kat Daddy!

I don’t know lah. Memang malas nak fikir, especially lepas bergebang dengan Cik Nan about how Adelaide’s lifestyle yang sangatlah sesuai for people like us. Me, yang tak cukup baja dan motivation nak mengurus pasal anak-anak dan rumahtangga sejak termanja dengan kehadiran Bibik. And Be, yang tak cukup 24 jam sehari when it comes to work – punya lah dedikasi. Sometimes I think when the world comes to its end, Be will be in his office, doing work.

Where will I be?