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Semalam Ku Bermimpi

December 10, 2003 by Enida

I woke up at ten after four this morning, stumbling my way to Kitreena’s room. She has been a little unwell for the past couple of days. Runny nose, feverish. Ya know…the works. But it took her only a day and a half to get over the worst. Amazing! It took me two weeks, and I am still coughing like a mad dog. Grrrr! Anyway, I was interrupted from my sleep and a dream. Not a bad dream or anything. And here I was, at four-thirty in the bloody morning going through what I guess an “eyes-wide-shut” experience, trying to recall what the dream was about.


Since the mimpi was quite interesting, and I simply tak ingat apa ke kesahnya…I started making a mental list of what I am passionate about in my life. Ha’ah, at four-thirty tu lah. Sambil tangan menepuk Cik Kit tido. The list was like this:

· Be
· Kitreena
· My family, both mine and the Johnsons
· Cik Nan & Co.
· Lindt
· Nik Ja & Co.
· Books
· Singing
· Writing
· Reading
· Traveling
· Teaching
· Psychology Studies
· Emails
· Fancy writing pads
· Sunflowers
· Butterflies
· The color blue
· Beaches
· Oprah show and the ‘O’ magazine
· National Geographic and Animal Planet
· Reader’s Digest
· SEARS and IKEA catalogues
· Sudirman’s old songs and his book “Dari Dalam Sudirman”
· Fresh tofu
· Yeo’s soy milk and Rice Dream rice milk
· Special ‘K’ cereal
· Old friends
· Long-lost friends, like Rozie, Razlita and…huh? Aniza Ismail!

It wasn’t long before it all came back to me! It was a mimpi about Aniza Ismail. We were classmates from Darjah Empat at All Saints’ to Tingkatan Satu at SMK. Her family moved to Kota Bharu halfway through form one, and I never saw her ever again. I did get hold of her once when I was in my first year at university. We talked for hours, trying to catch up for the lost time. And then we ‘got lost’ again. It wasn’t really a small world, after all.

Then that I had awaken to the dream, I could remember that it was a strange one. In it, we had found each other again and she was looking extremely tired. So I just let her sleep. She didn’t have to tell me anything, I just knew why she had been so exhausted. Pelik kan? Dreams can be. It was then that Kitty had mengiau and I stumbled my way to her room. Hmmm. “Mimpi itu mainan tidur” I once heard. Perhaps dreams are there to evoke our minds, eh? To play with our memories and to awaken old passions.

I couldn’t go to sleep afterwards. My mind then sibuk berbalas pantun. Ahak! Honestly! My mind just wandered about, mengarang pantun. Apekebende lah. I told ya, dreams can invoke, provoke and evoke our minds and rekindle old spirits, did I not? Well, here’s a couple of them, the pantun. (These are no “Pak Ali-pergi-ke-kedai-pergi-ke-kedai-membeli-something” punya pantun, mind you.) I hate when people come up with these Pak Ali pantuns! Our language is so rich and so beautiful, all people can think of is one Pak Ali who asek lah going shopping tak sesudah. Ek eleh!
Banyak suka perkara suka,
Macam suka berinai merah;
Banyak luka perkara luka,
Apa luka tiada berdarah?

Banyak tanak perkara tanak,
Bertanak nasi biar selabu;
Banyak anak perkara anak,
Anak siapa tiada beribu?

And this is one of the many pantuns I used to jual during the many berbalas pantun competitions I participated in…way back when:

Banyak macam perkara macam,
Macam si dayang menganyam gelugor;
Ribut tiada bayu pun rencam,
Seludang mayang mengapa gugur?

Hah, jawab bang, adik kakak tuan-tuan dan puan-puan sekelian…jangan tak jawab!

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The Aunty Garang of The Zauliya Street

December 1, 2003 by Enida

I am home, alright. Yeah, surrounded by our belongings. But the question is, am I at home? Well probably not…yet. To tell you the truth, I am a little cantankerous right now. Edgy about everything, anything. Can’t really figure out why. I simply have no patience, especially for silliness. Nak dijadikan kesah, here’s what happened petang semalam.


It was just kids being kids, ya know. There were four of them, anak-anak my neighbors around the Zauliya Street Cul de Sac, berlari-larian main aci kejor so to speak. Kids. No, I had no problem with that. It didn’t bother me or Kitty at all yang tengah mengambik udara segar outside before sunset. Aci kejor gradually became aci panjat bumbung porch. And guess whose porch they main aci panjat on? Hah, yours truly lah of corrs.

I ignored them for a little tick-tock thinking that, alaaa kang dia reti ler turun. But after a few tick-tocks they, who are between probably 7 and 10 years of age, were walking all over the bumbung porch yang tersangatlah tak sturdy nya. And these kids are not the tiniest of kids, either. Anak expats omputeh, imagine lah. Comel dan montel belaka-laka. Anyway, dalam hati I was hoping that Be would arrive from work that very moment. I didn’t want to be that ‘witchy aunty’ at 6B, aka Aunty Garang.

But my instinct told me, pogedid! Those kids were being silly, and they were on MY bumbung porch of all. If somebody got hurt at my place right before my eyes, wouldn’t that be sillier? I told you I am a little cantankerous right now. And at that point I was already irritated sebab mana pegi parents sekelian tak supervise langsung anak-anak berlari panjat bumbung porch rumah jiran semua ni? Ko ingat aku ni world wide nanny ke? Echeh! Garangnya diriku ini.

So, lo and behold…Pharaoh spoke lah kan. I was trying to be a bit authoritative yet friendly at first. But the kids talked back, denying that they were playing on my porch roof. Huh? Hearing the silly answer, of course lah lagi mencabar my cantankerousness! Gradually, I became that Aunty Garang I dreaded to be. Especially when they ignored my request for them to come down (they didn’t think it was a dangerous place to play, plus they were not PLAYING up there.)

Lo and behold, again…Be drove in! Phew! Was God watching or what eh! Menchechet lari budak putih berempat semua menyorok takut kena ligan dengan lakiku! Muah hahaha! (I certainly didn’t find it funny at that time. Safety wasn’t a laughing matter. But the kids’ silliness was!) Still and all, after briefing Be of what was going on, he decided to play Devil’s Advocate lah pulak! Cheh! Penat aku menggarangkan diri.

The empat budak putih sudah lari sembunyi in the next door’s garden. Then an older girl sebelah rumah – Emily – came out trying to find out what the havoc was all about. One of the four kids was her bro rupanya, Thomas. Only after chatting with Emily for a few minutes Thomas berani keluar (while the rest menchechet lari balik rumah masing-masing!) Thomas gave Be a silly excuse that he was looking for his frisbee on the roof. Yeah right! And his mom had given him the permission to go on our roof to do so. Roll your eyes, tuan-tuan dan puan-puan, jangan tak roll!

Kesudahannya, nevertheless…Be and I decided to do the door-to-door visit this weekend to get to know our neighbors. We left this place 16 months ago and would like to start over on a good note. Love thy neighbors kan? In fact, our next door jiran pun rupanya dah lain. When Be came back to Oman early this year…it was a Dutch-Bruneian couple with two sons. And now the French family has moved in; Emily, Thomas and their parents that is.

Granted, the Panjat Bumbung Porch incident semalam really made me think. I just realized that I had not had to deal with children for quite a while now. (Meagan and Blaire are a different chapter, though.) I am not quite sure how to tackle/discipline kids, especially those I don’t know, and those between say…5 and 12. Or do I discipline them under any circumstances? I was trained to train big kids – teenagers to adults (mind ya, most adults ARE big kids! Boo!)

Like I said, do I discipline kids ever? The truth is, I can’t help it. Once a teacher, always a teacher, wouldn’t you agree with me? I am talking about unsupervised kids, per se. Of course lah in the presence of their parents, lantak kau lah nak terjun junam ke, bungee jumping ala George of The Jungle ke…see if I care. I mean, what would you do if your neighbors’ kids whom you are yet to know buat perangai like these empat budak putih? Wouldn’t you give sepatah dua kata pembuka bicara? Chewah! My other thought was, besok-besok kalau Kitreena buat perangai as silly, she’d sure get some seulas pinang dan sepotong cili from me! Jaga sedia lah.

Tu lah dia kids.And my motherly instinct told me that I was the only adult there at that time, so it was my duty to prevent the preventable accidents in any way I could. So I did. Nobody got hurt, at the very least. Hoyeh to me. But then, before I went to bed last night…I thought to myself, I could have done it better. I should have handled the situation differently. Less garang, perhaps. With a more matter-of-fact approach, and probably a non-defensive-garang-semacam-je-aunty-ni kinda attitude. Kan?

Hmmm…silly me.

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Antara

October 19, 2003 by Enida

Betapa pun jauh pandangan mata
Betapa pun bebas kaki melangkah
Namun terasa diri terpenjara
Oleh suatu ikatan yang tidak ketara


Walau kau cuba menjauhkan diri
Walau kadangkala aku membenci
Namun setiap kali terpandangmu
Kehangatan dihatiku dingin bagai salju

Antara kasih dan kasihan
Antara jemu dan harapan
Biarkanlah di sini
Aku terus begini
Sendiri

Tak mungkin ada yang dapat mengerti
Gelisah yang datang melanda diri
Masihkah ada rasa cinta
Ataukah sekadar ku berpura-pura

Lagu lama…lagi.
You must be wondering apasal yang asek teringat lagu lama je lately kan? Well, I tell ya. That’s just a few cents of what you have to pay living thousands of miles away from home. I don’t know apa lagu popular this year, let alone lah this week. No clue. Clueless. But I have never forgotten all those songs yang kena-mengena with events in my life. Song remembers when.

Anyway, I once saw a theatre show at DBKL. There was one particular line that really stuck in my head. “Kalau kau dan aku satu, kenapa di antara kita mesti ada antara?” Pehh! Dalam maksud nya tu kan? If I am not mistaken, it was Hatta Azad Khan’s script. Can’t remember the whole story. But I remember why I went to see the performance. It was a choice.

Like a lot of things in our life, it’s about making choices. Semua orang nak hidup bahagia, of course. (So, logically it is not really a choice lah kan? It’s a goal.) Plus, bahagia is not the thing that awaits you at the end of the road. It’s the road itself. The road taken and the road that is not…bak kata

Robert Frost. It is rather a process than a result. Or perhaps both. A process that results in a subsequent process, and a result that processes an antecedent result.


How about that?

Like a lot of things in life…it is your choice to believe me. Or to not believe me. It was YOUR own choice to read MY journal. Was it not?

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Feels Like Home To Me

October 14, 2003 by Enida

This is probably my very last time in Be’s office. We are finally going back to Oman next Tuesday. Finally! Can you imagine yourself living in a hotel and driving a rental car for 16 months? Well, okay. It’s not all that bad. Really. That is if you know when exactly you are going home. But imagine you are dragged month after month, delayed from going to the place you call home. Mr. McGee pun would get angry, (you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry) I tell ya.


And tonight we had our definitely last supper at Restoran Indonesia here in Calgary. Did I ever tell you about the restaurant, by the way? I probably did when I wrote about some cultural performance I got to see some time ago. So, I had Ikan Lombok Kechap (Ikan Masak Kicap ler tu), and Sawi Tumis tonight. Hmmmm. Not that I can’t cook all that, but we are in the process of mengosongkan peti es. Echeh! Alasan.

I bet you know the feeling when you are just sooooo tired of your own cooking. I was on the phone with Cik Nan couple days ago and she was feeling the same way. So, we tortured ourselves talking about Mee Bandung, Mee Rebus and Mee Hailam. Boleh buat sendiri. Anytime. Especially me, here in Calgary. Supermarket T&T cik main complete lagi. Segala maknenek ada. Sajer je memorbidkan diri. Ahak.

So we are going home. Hmmm. Sometimes I don’t even know what that really means. I have been “away” for far too long, that I am not quite sure where I belong anymore. People say, home is where the heart is. Well, that too is in the grey area now. I am somewhat floating. And so is my hope. I guess.

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After All These Years

September 26, 2003 by Enida

The phone rang at 5.23 this morning. I was in bed, but of course. My heart raced like mesin jahit tengah laju gitu, I tell ya. Ever since that pukul-3-pagi call from my sister with the news about my Mom kemalangan June this year, it’s just hard for me to bring myself to the phone anymore. Not between midnight and 6 am, at least. Well, the call was from Mom. Her voice sent floods of thoughts of Dad to my mind. I was ready. At this age, I know I am vulnerable. The only thing I don’t know is…how much that vulnerability could prepare me.


“Is everyone okay?” was my very first question.

Yeah, everyone was okay. But Mom said, they had a guest who wanted to speak with me. Huh? At 5.30am? 7.30pm Malaysia time masa tu. That guest had better be a VIP, I murmured. Mom chuckled. Anyway, remember my first love that I mentioned in the

last entry? The one yang datang dalam mimpi the other night. Uh, no…it wasn’t him. The guest was his brother! Now, you would ask “Apa mimpi?” too, if it happened to you. Wouldn’t you?


After all these years, six altogether, I am still remembered rupanya. And missed. The last time I saw him, he was still in Tingkatan Lima, SPM year. I was down, miserable, and old. Hah. At that tender age, he was there for me ever so caring, listening to my sob stories. Though he knew, antara his big bro and me there was no more possible titik temu, he was there. Godsent.

I promised to come and visit him again the week after that, six years ago. But that was a promise I could not keep. I offered him neither an explanation, nor apologies until this morning. Eight thousand miles and six years later. I had been thinking of him, of his family off and on. How can I not? Every so often ada je mimpi yang datang. And I am not the kind yang percaya mimpi either.

The point is, I had been thinking and remembering. Cards every year. Some ‘tembak’ calls sekali-sekala. Ahak ahak.(Cik Nan has been calling me a “stalker” ever since I told her about this darkest secret of mine!) Naughty me! But I have not been brave enough to face his family’s frustration about the whole jodoh issue. He is happy now, I heard. I asked. So am I. I couldn’t ask for more. Baru je semalam terkenang lagu lama:

Kepentingan sendiri
tidak diingini
bahgia kekasih
saja yang diharapi

There are stories waiting to be told sebenarnya. Between Ijai and me. Selasa depan I will call. Now, that’s a promise I intend to keep. Come hell or high water.

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Mama Mia

September 24, 2003 by Enida

I was putting Kitty in her crib tonight when I realized that I have been wishing all these wishes. I wish my mother could see how much Kitty has grown the past ten months. I wish my mother could adore my lil Kitty when she gives Vel (her teddy bear) hugs and kisses every ten minutes or so, macam kan lama nor tak jumpa. I never had a soft toy when I was a lil girl. I still don’t! Huh, I should get one lah tomorrow. IKEA ada satu bear ni besor for only CAD$19.99. Echeh!


I wish my mother could know how blessed I am to have Kitreena in my life, and blessed have I been to have a good mother. Cik Nan was right, to have a daughter is to reconnect with our Mom…to have a legacy, a warranty of some sort. That, that deep-seated soul has found a home. Hmmm I’m sure my Mom knows. I should just keep counting my blessings, I suppose. God will take care of the rest.

I wish, more than anything though, to go home to my mother. To claim and reclaim her sweet, warm embrace. And to make up for all these years. Years when there were thousands of miles between us. And years when she was too busy taking care of the whole family. It must have been hard. No! I know it was hard. I was there, I saw it all.

Eight children was a houseful. Mind you, we survived living in a tiny house with only one bedroom. Satu bilik, which didn’t even have a door, and five children. Hah, bayangkan lah tuan-tuan dan puan-puan. The room was so tiny that it only fit one queen-size bed and a gobok. The katil had both end-boards rrrrrright to the walls! The only space left was for us to stand in front of the gobok to use the mirror. Sikat rambut, sapu bedak, cabut uban and other hairs applicable. Heee hee.

Then we moved to a bigger house. Two bedrooms. And I remember it was then that Dad bought Mom a washing machine. Semi-automatic. What made it fully automatic was the machine called Mom. Automatically, every morning it ran and we all had clean bajus to wear. (I still moaned and groaned when Mom wouldn’t allow me to put my kasut sekolah in the machine! Oh why me? Why me? Why? Grrrr!)

It wasn’t long before we moved again to the army quarters. Eight months, to be exact. But those eight months ada kisah tersendiri, I tell ya. Kisah cinta lah, apa lagi? My first love, woohoo! Speaking of whom, last night came into my slumber. I wasn’t really thinking about him during the day or anything. Well, it’s not like I have control of who comes into my dreams or who doesn’t, eh?

The army quarters, sambung balik, was even bigger. Three bedrooms. But only two were utilized. I remember moving my single army-style bed to the un-utilized room when I wanted some space for maself. I have always been a semi-introvert, actually. I do need my own quiet corner to recharge. Mom saw that right through me. But it was Dad who would chase me back to the girls’ room, to learn to share. Space then became a luxury for me. Not anymore a necessity.

Could that be why I left, I wonder. To have my own ‘space’, to have some distance between us. To go, to wonder, and to then come home. I’ve never tried to reason my choice to anyone. Not even to maself. I take it as a flow, so I go. Anyway, the bottom line is, I am wishing on a distant star tonight…that Mom is doing well, missing me, and be well kept from the secret that I am coming home soon. I just want to show up at her door and give her my biggest hug ever.

La mia Mama è la mia casa .

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Sense & Sensibility

September 15, 2003 by Enida

“Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.”
– Unknown


Betul jugak kan? In fact, often we look at opportunities as burden…to be lifted, rather than lifting. But boy! Am I glad I took the opportunity to pegi tengok “The Treasure of Indonesia” cultural performance baru ni at University of Calgary.

All of us, Be, me and Kitty were down with something yesterday. Flu bug gamaknya. But mengenangkan we had purchased FOUR tickets (with the hope, originally, to heret my ma & pa-in-law or Hani & Kees to join us), pegi lah jugak dengan berat kaki dan hati.

It turned out to be one of the best performances we had ever seen in our life! Kitreena bertepuk tangan almost sepanjang the whole show…when she wasn’t sleeping. The moment the singer nyanyi lagu Begawan Solo, Kitty looked at me with the huh-why-isn’t-it-mommy-singing look, gitu.

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Sweet September

September 12, 2003 by Enida

September always reminds me of kisah-kisah lama. Kisah kekasih lama, that is. Ewah! It’s not that I try to forget those days. I just don’t…forget. Selective memories punyer case lah jugak tu. I have nothing to complain about. People say, sometimes you have to make some wrong choices before you make the right one.


I used to tell my students that there are virtually no mistakes in life. They’re only lessons waiting to be learned. And that it’s okay to fall. Falling is good. Falling is fine. Because only when you fall that you learn how to get up. (Now, falling is not the end of you. Not getting up is.)

Like any month, September comes and September goes. Perhaps I should romanticize July from now on.

Should I really?

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There’s A Child…

September 11, 2003 by Enida

…in every man.


I just realized as I was showering yesterday (I seem to think better in the shower for some reason), that I am now taking a lot better care of myself than before. I mean, ever since Kitreena. It’s like taking care of two little children pulak sometimes. Contoh lah kan, everytime I de-wax Kitty’s ears, ahak ahak…I check mine as well. And why is that, I wonder.

Perhaps because of the

deprivation I was talking about not very long ago. I said, I grew up feeling deprived of so many things. And I am not playing any ‘blame-game’ either now. It’s just…so hard having to share one mom and one dad with seven other siblings. Of course I am not the only one feeling like this. Mereka dan keluarga mereka, all of them feeling the same way.


I berani bet a dollar to my shoes lah, each and every one of my adik-beradik has, at some point of time, felt the way I did. Tapi tu lah kan…it’s a matter of choice. I chose to feel deprived, and I believed that I was deprived of attention, understanding and meaningful time with my parents. But then again, who am I to say. Having eight children was my parents’ choice. And it was a valid choice. Was it not?

And it is now MY choice to ‘unchoose’ the feelings, probably by taking care of that little Enida in me. (Good thing I named Kitreena’s middle name the same too. Smart move, Enida!) Bak kata John Gray, embrace that little child in you, pat her on the back, smile at her, weep with her, love her. Sounds like an excuse to pamper myself, eh? But hey, if not me…saper lagi?

At this age – I am thirty-something by the way – in case you haven’t noticed, you have VERY selective memories. Again, it’s by choice, you choose to remember the past events that have significance on the man or woman you have become. If you are a successful person, you’d stress on the experiences that have enriched you, that have made you whole, that have made you big. And if you are not, you might be a little vindictive. Then, haaaa, only then…you love the blame-game!

As for maself, perhaps it was the deprivation that had shaped me, turning me into the Enida that I am. I have yet to measure my achievements as grand, no! Not even near. Tapi kan, what is success…really? Do you take into account the amount you have in your savings account. Echeh! Having fun with the pun lah pulak kan! Honestly, how does one get five stars in terms of life’s successes? How and when do you truly know you are a successful person?

I have seen quite a few countries (uh, what is globe is bahasa ek?) But I haven’t seen Egypt and I haven’t menjejakkan kaki to Peking (Beijing lah tu) where my mom’s Popo was from. And woii, I don’t know if I ever jejak Kashmir where my papajee’s grandparents were from. I have a degree and am working on a second one, in the field that I actually was originally interested in. And oh, am I having fun doing it or what! Mothering a child, I reckon, is an achievement on its own. But it’s a Work in Progress as it is.

So what is success?Cliché as it may sound, I measure success with how happy I am. I am my own picture of happiness. Thanks to the deprivation, of course. Bak kata Kahlil Gibran: “The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.”

Now, will it ever get any truer than that?

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Something About Thirty-Something

August 27, 2003 by Enida

“If better is possible, good is not enough.”
–Unknown


There’s something about being thirty-something. Something wonderful, though not easy to describe. You are pretty much set up. Established, personally and professionally. You have found your foundation, and so you are founded. Gitu. No matter whether you are single, married or under the “DSBG” punyer classification.

You are somewhat a little toned-down. Laid back, running around no more. Analogically speaking, you are now the blue flame. Not too big, not too small. No smell, no smoke, no mess. Burning, and once in a while you feel like you are burning out too. No?

It was Be’s birthday yesterday. He turned thirty-something plus-plus. Hee hee. No XXL size of celebration or anything. Just dinner at mom’s since Bruce and Scott were coming down from Airdrie. It’s not like Be has time to have a birthday anyway – work is taking years out of that poor lo kong of mine.

The tough part of being thirty-something, by the way, is getting a birthday gift for another thirty-something. What do thirty-somethings need? What are their wants? At this stage, the one thing you never have enough of…is time. Hai meh? No time to have a hobby, no time to have some time away, no time to exercise, no time for anything anymore.

And I know, a 2-Fuseaux Horaires TIMEX can’t give him those extra hours he so much needs. But what’s there to give to a thirty-something? Something wonderful of course. So I have for the last nine and a half months. “The best you can give someone is not your time, but your energy.”

I need a break. Or something.

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