Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for finally leaving a comment after reading me off and on for over a year. It sure deserves a post on its own. And here it is.
About leaving…
It’s almost always an easier option than staying. Is it not? Yes. Leave, if you must. But be kind to the one you’re leaving. No matter what. You can say that the love has died, the feelings are gone. But stop right there. In my case, I didn’t mind the death of love. People fall in love, people fall right out sometimes. Life goes on, people move on. But it’s the telling about the new-found excitement that hurts me the deepest.
I know what falling in love is all about. Wasn’t I there ten years ago head over heels, soul sold and what have you? But love is not about the falling head-ons or head-over-heels in love. It is about staying in love, when all the honeymoons are done, love and babies are made, bills paid, battles fought, all the energies have worn out, and all the perfumes have left your skin with one too many a wrinkle. Sooner than you know, love is not just about seeing the two of you staying and growing old together. It’s about growing up together.
It is about staying.
I am sure someday true love will find me. But until then, hatred – towards the one who once fell in love with me – is the last thing I want to carry in my heart. Afterall, in my case, he was the one who suggested a ‘clean break’. I don’t see the point in him telling me about the great time he was having in Spain with his new soulmate while I was here staying up with his coughing daughter and his wheezing son. I was his soulmate ten years ago when the children were nowhere near the picture. Things have changed. Agreed. Things do and things will.
So…be kind.
For it is almost always more important, and definitely always harder than being honest. Honesty is in your right hand, and kindness is in your left. Embrace your choice. And you can only do that with both hands.
About the children…
Though as much affected, they usually handle changes in life so much better than us grown-ups. That’s the beauty of innocence. They will grow up and believe in true love and marriage if you instill in them the values that bind you. It’s never wrong to stay for the sake of children, but you know it is a lot of work if love is not there for their other parent. I did say leaving is almost always an easier option, didn’t I?
Like anything else, love (and marriage) is a promise you honor. If or when you are not able to keep your promises, apologize. Be heard, but don’t hurt. Again, leave if you must. But be kind to the one you leave.
And yes, no matter what.
Questa è Enida 
enida,
imagine someone in mask walk into ur house and try to have a conversation. it is werd and down right intrusive. i imagine anonymous commentors the same way.
especially, if the conversation is abt him or her giving an earful of unsolicited opinions. That even borders on being a wee bit rude.
dont u think?
Hmmm…
Now I am curious about your whereabouts. Haha. You’re not in Amstelveen, Noord-Holland, eh?
And you say the word “anyway” with an ‘s’. You are not by any chance Canadian, are you?
Curiosity kills the cat, yes. But I have no blood ties with the feline, nor I am a Catwoman with retractile claws. So, if you are going to remain anonymous, I am going to have to call you Nonym soon.
Hi enida again enida, you are very eloquent indeed. letting go is also not easy. at least, not for people who have put a lot of hopes and dreams into their deeds – perhaps relevant in most cases where people are in love and marry….
anyways, i have no idea how to say anything in dutch. i am not dutch and have never been to holland.
you too take care. thanks for enlightening and sharing.
Dear Anonymous,
Apparently, despite my faith in true love, I have become skeptical that anyone can love the way I do. And apparently, those who think about leaving and those who leave… do get hurt too. I heard you loud and clear now. And I am sorry for quietly assuming that your (thinking of) leaving was an excuse – not a reason.
Perhaps we are not talking about leaving per se. I have a feeling that we are actually talking about letting go. And you are not thinking of leaving your other half, you are contemplating on letting go of all the dreams you both built years ago in the name of love.
And maybe I was also not talking about kindness either, per se. You just gave me the more appropriate word for the kind of kindness I was rambling about. And that is respect.
I agree with you then, that love – in your case – has probably died. The hurt, humiliation and neglect are the post-cursor of the death of love. Once the love and respect is gone, you are on your own. It is you that have been left.
Maybe you don’t need to think about leaving now. Maybe you just need to let go.
And in any case, dank u for the warm thoughts and good vibes.
p.s. So, how do I say take care in Dutch? “Pas op jezelf” or “neem zorg”?
Hi Enida,
Thanks for a dedicated post. Of course, I appreciate your perspective based on your feelings and turns of events in your life.
I have never been mean to the other half. It is the other way around. Love has many facets too, one of which, is respect. There is nothing moralistic nor respectful to oneself or other(s) if one is only staying for the kids. Then again, many have chosen the less of two evils.
For me, leaving is not the easier option hence, despite, the hurt, humiliation and also neglect (another form of abuse), I am still here.
Perhaps leaving is the easier option for your husband. but it is not mind. For me, staying is…
In any case, I am sending you warm thoughts and good vibes.