Questa è Enida

It was a smooth sailing tour of duty yesterday, despite getting to the hospital not as early as I anticipated. I kinda knew the doctors would not be around as early as 0900 anyway. Plus the training took a little longer than usual (after being idle, gym-wise, for almost two weeks over the festivity time).

Smooth-sailing as it was, I did have an accident. No, I did not run into that overloaded trailer suddenly jumping onto my lane trying to pass a slow truck at 50km/hr, when I was going at 100 down the hills just before the turnoff to Selesa Hillhomes/Janda Baik. Thank God, no.

I actually accidentally forgot to wear my rings.

I don’t usually take my wedding and engagement rings off. Only once. And that was on October 4, 2008, when Be and I met up. I didn’t see his, so I took mine off right before his eyes. And no, I wasn’t trying to spite him, or be sarcastic or anything. I just didn’t want to be seen as a married woman dating a single man. Even though reality is, that ‘single man’ is my lawfully wedded husband. What a silly invisible paper! If only marriage contract had to be worn like a pendant.

At the hospital yesterday, I didn’t realize how bare my fingers were until I saw a silver ring on Dr Aziz’s finger. For some reason, almost reflectively, I brought my hands to my chest feeling profoundly empty, unbelonged and unbeloved. And later, driving through the mountains, though unlawfully fast, I tried to be the safest possible. I had to keep safe at least until the rings are back on my fingers.

Maybe not having the rings on my fingers was not the accident. Maybe the emptiness, the unbelonging-ness and the unbeloved-ness were all accidents rolled into one. Maybe it’s the rings that band me to the emptiness. But then again, maybe it’s the rings that bind me to fidelity. For all I know, I am wedded to mother Kitreena on my right, and Edrick on my left. They are the true rings on my fingers.

I got home safe and sound, raging through hell and high water on MRR2 and E2. But the funny thing was…as soon as I was home, the emptiness just went away. I didn’t put the rings back on my fingers until this morning. But I slept through the night feeling belonged.