I once wrote about how many friends I had – and that was not many. It has remained the same over the years. As a matter of preference, I keep the number very small, very minimum. What’s with my macam-hebat grunting and grumbling about grammar and all…my pop-vote is not looking like a sunshiny day. Not that I am a pop-seeker who has to be liked no matter what anyway. I’ve been a loner.
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So I am a loner.
The good thing about being a loner is, I figured out throughout the university years, I don’t spend much time waiting for anyone, nor wasting time gossiping about anyone with anyone. I could disappear into thin air, deep water or thick bricks better than Harry Houdini and Harry Potter put together. (Would really be nice to be put together with Harry Connick Jr. or uh…Harri-son Ford.)
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The thing is, I wasn’t born a loner. I am a self-made loner. A loner by choice. And a loner by pain. All thanks to someone who called herself a friend who cared darn much about me back in 1991. For blogging purposes, let’s call her Miss Brill, shall we? You can name her Amy Winehouse or Sharifah Aini if your heart so desires. But write your own post on your own blog please!
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The story unfolded when one afternoon coming back from my matriculation classes, Miss Brill came into my room and wanted to talk to me about what she heard from her friends who were my friends as well. Well…supposedly. Us TESL people stuck together like melted rubber bands on a hot rod back then, ya know.
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And so Miss Brill told me that not many people liked me because I was always too cheerful to be true. Imagine that! I was always too cheerful to be true. Always having too positive of an outlook on everything to the point that I annoyed people. And oh, plus…I had a too manja personality that girls just hated me not only to the very follicle of my hair – no, no! It wasn’t skin-deep or facial-pores hatred. But they disliked me to the bone marrow, for bone’s sake!
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Since I wasn’t born a genius, nor was I born gifted…I swallowed what Miss Brill said like a poison. And I died alive! I was dead for many years throughout campus life with only some brain cells in tact, just enough to finish my studies. If self-esteem could be measured, mine of negative 365 would be self-explanatory, wouldn’t it? I died alone and so I roamed the world of the alive a loner.
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“People are saying that you ni jenis perempuan penggoda, suka buat-buat manja. Orang just meluat kat you, you know?” [Loosely translated as: “People are saying that you are such a flirtatious girl, prentending to be cute/adorable/manja. People just despise you, you know?” – There’s just no direct translation to our Bahasa’s term of manja, yau aah?]
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Yes, I took it to heart, too hard. What Miss Brill said became my silent tagline of what not to be, what not to do. Though I wasn’t very successful in turning events and issues all into negative energy, I was no longer that excessively happy girl. I didn’t want to look comfortably happy for quite a few years though I kept my distance from Miss Brill and everyone else. I did, nonetheless, find comfort in singing with the university band for at least six years after.
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I lost a lot back then. Motivation per se. But I learned a lot more. To know that us TESL people stuck together like rubber bands on a hot rod…was a very nice illusion. Well, I guess back then we really did. Some of us did. But some people like Miss Brill were not rubber bands. They were the hot rod that did not only melt us, they burned us with their misery. And oh did I ever learn about friendship!
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All said and done, no matter how trivial it seems, and that it has taken me eighteen silly years to write about this now – I forgave that silly Enida for swallowing Miss Brill’s words without thinking. I have let go of the grunting and grumbling for my inability to ask one burning question back then. The question that I have found itching my behind for eighteen years.
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In the process of forgiving, trying very hard not to scratch the itch…I forgave Miss Brill for her excessive needs to be my friend back then and to tell me her truth in all her well-intent honesty. My gumption is telling me lately that I should in fact thank her for the poison she gave me back in 1991. Much to her dismay probably, it has turned into a potent potion. I am still a loner. But guess what? I am enjoying it! I have enjoyed my life doing so many things way better than gossiping. And oh, I at least know how to write in paragraphs! No PhD required.
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Well, to Miss Brill – thank you. As I once quoted to you, I am quoting this again today: God does not give you what He knows you cannot take. I took your poison back then. I died and came back to life. But you…you just never lived. And to all the girls whose boyfriend or boyfriends I had flirted with: I was just too sexy for their brain. (Or was it yours? Didn’t think you have any.)
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I lost a lot back then, perhaps. But I have kept my faith. I have kept my smile. And I am deadly alive!
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lara = suffer
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Questa è Enida 
Now I remember Miss Brill. In that story, I kinda liked her. She was that lonely lady who was in her own world walking in the park, feeding the pigeons kan? And she had this schedule she adhered to everyday. I likened myself to her those days and sometimes even now. At least she had her own things to do and tak kacau sesiapa pun. That’s fulfilling to me…though lonely but enough to content me.
Mana pegi buku purple tu la. Lost it. Rasa nak baca balik plak.
Wiz:
Yes, that thick purple Literature Bible I carried religiously every Friday only to hear the tutor reading Oedipus Rex aloud as if the students were alphabetically challenged tak boleh sindri bacha laa!
All I remember about Miss Brill, story-wise, is that she was that strange female character. Well, to say more is to give too good of a clue to the Miss Brill in MY story. Ahaks! By the way, people did call her Miss Brill back in the 90’s – it wasn’t my idea. Hehe.
No, I did not just bump into Miss Brill lately. It has been years since I last heard from her personally. But who can forget someone like Miss Brill. She was self-professed MY best friend. (Not!)
By the way, which story did you want me to tell: the thick purple book Miss Brill story, or the anti-positive-lagi-manja me Miss Brill story?
la Signora:
Muahaha! I do use a similar ‘Not enough sex’ rationale to all the world’s problems too! And a slight variation I guna-pakai is ‘Too much sex can impair your vision’ [to be said in thick French accent: Tuuu mooch sex ken impeggghhhh yuwar vizhiyun.]
Oh yes, am I ever having the last laugh, dear!
Did you just bump into Miss Brill Enida? She should be flattered for you have written a whole entry about her.
I remember Miss Brill, the character in that thick purple book. But I remember not her stories…do tell me.
Aww,your manja-lara bits are lovable.In those days, I would’ve said something like “Miss Brill tak ‘dapat’ malam tadi kot”.If having a positive outlook is misinterpreted as ‘flirting scheming wench’, the world is coming to an end.
Us manja-lara girls are having the last laugh,kan?