Questa è Enida

“Mom, I wish there is a way to make Grandma feel well again quickly.”

Her words were like a cry of a single cello…from MY heart.

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Rollercoaster is an overused word lately. By myself, Ka Cher, and Lil Sis. I wish I could say it has been as fun as it is supposed to be riding one. But the word has been used mostly to describe the state of our emotion. It’s not fun at all.

I thought taking Mom out today was going to be fun. Well, it was. Fun was the idea of being able to show her what I just bought. Fun was the gratefulness to God that I was given time to fulfill her hajat to see my much-talked-about property. I was about to kick myself for procrastinating taking her to see Mesra Terrace – when she had to be warded again on Christmas. I was given my second chance. That was fun…if fun is the word.

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Lama akak tak mengomail, tiba-tiba hari ni adalah satu kisah berlaku yang membuatkan akak musti mengomel. Cannot say cannot! Tak boleh tidak. Dan akak musti mengomel dalam bahasa ibunda yang tidak rasmi sebab kisah yang berlaku ini sangat local. (Local, as in tak pernah lah lagi akak alami sewaktu akak berada di luar negara mahupun di luar Sabah dan Sarawak.)

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Anyway…
Akak ke Tesco Kajang dan berbaris lah nak menggunakan mesin ATM Maybank. Lengang hari ni, tak ramai orang. Ada sorang je pun di depan akak sedang melakukan itu. Melakukan pengeluaran wang lah. Takkan kat mesin ATM melakukan pengeluaran barang atau melakukan pengeluaran hasil dalam negeri pulak kan. Tapi rupa-rupanya keburuk-sangkaan akak itu berasas! Orang di depan akak itu telah sempat melakukan pengeluaran angin bercampur gas sulfur beliau di depan mesin ATM!

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Opocot! Terlompat akak terkejut bila terdengar akan bunyi yang begitu familiar di hidung telinga akak. Mulanya akak sangka itu bunyi talipon dari dalam poket seluar beliau. Maklum lah bunyi dering talipon bimbit yang berbagai-bagai zaman Y2K ni. Tetapi nampaknya beliau telah mengconfirmkan sangkaan akak dengan melakukan pengeluaran set kedua gas tersebut. Dan akak pasti bunyi letupan tipis lagi terhimpit itu datang dari bahagian antara pinggang dan peha sebelah belakang tubuh beliau! Apatah lagi beliau kelihatan mengangkat sebelah kaki untuk mengurangkan kesan himpitan seraya melincirkan lagi pengeluaran gas.

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Sayangnya hanya setelah melakukan pengeluaran gas set kedua dengan penuh kepuasan tak terhingga, barulah beliau menoleh ke belakang dan kelihatan agak terkejut melihat mata akak yang terbeliak memandang ke arah dari mana datangnya gas berkenaan. Mulut akak yang ternganga kesan daripada kejutan yang telah dibuat oleh sedara kita kat depan mesin ATM tu cepat-cepat akak tutup!

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Akak cuba sedaya upaya untuk tidak bernafas melalui hidung. Tetapi tidak berjaya kerana jantung akak berdegup kencang impak maksima daripada gas yang telah begitu kencang dan laju – kalah RapidKL – meracun fikiran akak! Oh tidak! Lemah seluruh anggota tubuh akak. Sehinggakan akak tak dapat membuat keputusan yang waras. Sama ada tetap mahu meneruskan perjuangan mengharung gas beracun untuk mendapatkan wang tunai jugak-jugak…atau lupakan saja. Gunakan kad kredit!

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Jikalau ini terjadi kepada anda, tuan-tuan dan puan-puan…apakah keputusan paling waras yang akan anda ambil?

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p.s. Untuk makluman tuan-tuan dan puan-puan, beliau yang telah melakukan itu di mesin ATM Maybank Tesco Kajang tersebut bukanlah sedara akak atau sedara bau-bau kentut bacang dengan akak. Dan akak tak tau lah kalau ada sesaper yang nak bersedarakan beliau selepas ini. Istilah sedara kita di dalam post kali ini akak guna-pakai untuk tujuan anonymity semata-mata. Dan beliau yang akak sebut-sebut ini bukanlah jugak berbangsa Jepun. Bangsa dan kewarganegaraan beliau tidak ada kena-mengena dengan perbuatan beliau yang terlampau pada hari ini 15 January 2009. Sesungguhnya akak tidak mengamalkan sikap perkauman. Sesaper yang hendak melakukan itu di depan mesin ATM, silalah pandang belakang supaya bangsa-bangsa bersatu lagi teraniaya seperti akak ini tidak diancam oleh pencemaran udara yang boleh membuatkan akak pupus.

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For Sale
Honda CRV 2003 Melaka Edition:
leather seats, sidesteps, Thule bicycle roof rack, Kenwood USB/MP3 player, all new Michelin tyres, mileage 123,000km, asking price RM79,900 negotiable.

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Don’t ask me to be strong if you don’t know what strength is. How much stronger do you think I should ‘look’ or ‘be’ before you recognize that it is the strength that keeps me going? How does a strong person look, or behave? What do they say? What do they do? If what I do or say is not good enough to be categorized as strong, then tell me what is. Please don’t trouble yourself telling me what I already know and what I have already done.

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For you to ask me to pray lots and lots…do you sincerely think I haven’t prayed enough? Is that why my mother is still dying and has not miraculously gotten well and gotten up to run a marathon? For your information, I do pray lots and lots. God! I pray so much I can walk on water! Now, if I can’t make my mother well again in a shake of a wand, I do whatever it takes to make her feel comfortable. And I do make donation in her name, thank you very much. I just don’t announce it on The Star or Utusan Malaysia. I’m not a politician (like you).

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I appreciate the attention and the good intention, Sir. And I have nothing but gratitude for your thoughtfulness. But if you don’t have anything smart to say, don’t try to be smart. It’s not something you can try to be anyway. Just be there.

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Quietly,
Enida

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The truth is, when it comes to writing about Mom, I stumble a bit. No, I lie. Not just a bit. I stumble, I fall and I don’t want to get up. I wish I could write about it as it is. But the question I’m still asking myself is “What is?” Not what if. We’re done with what-ifs. So, the least complicated answer I console myself with is… I am in denial. And my Mom is nowhere home.

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Friday January 2, 2009, the doctors made the announcement: Mom was deteriorating. Liver cirrhosis, renal failure, sepsis, DIC, SIRS, you name it! The doctors made it sound like they were medals Mom would wear on her chest when she goes marching in to heaven. Somehow, I felt like my Mom was just the ‘Bed #6 Lady’ to some of these life-savers. Somehow. Sometimes. Not all the time.

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Oh by the way, the chemo was at the lowest dose. Mom took it well. But not her body, her kidneys, her liver. She wanted so much to fight, but her body had become the battleground by then. I imagined one standing in a house and watching the walls collapsing baring one’s naked spirit. The enemies aren’t just at the door. They are the new walls eating at one’s spirit soul-lessly. And that one…is now my mother.

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So it was NOT renal ‘failure’. It was most probably just kidneys infection. The antibiotics did its magic and the blood poisoning was de-poisoning. So okay, go home, no more chemo, no worries. So Mom came home and life goes on. Forget about the medals she was going to wear on her chest when she goes marching in, forget about the standing in a house watching the walls collapsing baring her naked spirit, forget about the enemies at the door, the gates, the walls or what have you.

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Mom came home.

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But she never really came back. I am now the Mom. Together with Ka Cher, Lil Sis, Bibik, Lam and Flick. We are mothering Mom right now, these un-numbered days. Guarding her naked body, breathing spiritlessly and homelessly. Her memories have left her. Her memories are wearing those medals of our good times…marching in to heaven.

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Good night, Mom.

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There’s nothing wrong with wanting. To want is human. I never question you for wanting. I want too, because I do have the ability to want. I am alive. In fact, if I can…I would want to want everything. And no, I would not blame you for wanting everything either. Go ahead, want all you want. Want all you can want.

But to HAVE everything you want without wanting to prioritize…is evil!

You know the way I work. I don’t ask too many WHY questions. So, with your wanting…I am asking you:

• What do you really want for you?
• When do you want it?
• How much do you want it?
• How long do you think you can stay wanting it?
• What are you going to do when you get what you want?
• Where are you going with what you want?
• Who are you going to be when you get what you want?
• Who do you want?
• Whom do you want to be with?

Go ahead and want what you want. Once you have answered my WHQ’s, I will know your WHY’s without asking you why. Right now, all I want is to live my life for now – for the moment. I can’t change the past and I don’t want to anticipate the future. Worry is the last thing I want to worry about. So why worry now if I can worry later – if I worry later, or if I ever.

If I can stay wanting you, I’ll want you for the rest of today. That’s the longest into the future I would want to see. Tomorrow, I’ll want you again and perhaps pray that I will want you for the rest of tomorrow. And the day after tomorrow I’ll decide again if I want you for the rest of that day.

I have answered my own questions. If you want to know my answers, you have to want me.

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My children came home from school yesterday with flowers for my Wednesday.

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Considering how the morning went:

• me taking my brother, Ah Lam, to the Kecemasan Bukan Kritikal department at Hospital Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia for his second blood test as he was a suspect dengue patient
• me going up to the 6th floor to see Mom, checking on her and my little brother Flick who had been at Mom’s side for 48 hours
• me coming home after all the commotion, cooking for Mom and sending the La Gourmet holdall back to Ward 6G by dinnertime
• me running around to get the ball rolling (with the movers for our consignment to Moscow)
• me chevying those guys at Ladachi Furniture for taking forever to replace a roller on my TV cabinet door
• me doing this and that and still feeling like I wasn’t doing enough

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Me me me!

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It was all about me until Kitreena and Edrick came home with these bright red teentsy blooms and asked me to smell the flowers. They were no roses. But the whole world stopped spinning when I smelled the Teentsies and the two Monchies. It is all about me. The blessed little me!

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*Please be aware that some facts written here can be classified as exaggeration in the states (of mind) that do not tolerate free speech but encourage open burning.

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Kitreena walked Edrick to school today (of course with Bibik – I was still in bed then, making up for three days surviving with barely 3 hours of sleep). On the way back she picked up some flowers for my Tuesday. To some they might just look like weeds, or grass. But to me, I want nothing else to carpet my land in heaven but this purple blooms.

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I’m neither here nor there.
Could you come find me and wait for me…nevertheless?

Please?

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