Time’s up!
The one month I gave myself to pick up the pieces and to pull myself together is up. August 6 to September 5, 2008. Completed. Done. Ended. Finished. Gone. (In perfect alphabetical order C, D, E, F, G.) And so I have come to the part, just like in any good movies, when I embraced that little Enida for some good minutes, said my silent goodbye with a nod, took one last good look at her, turned around and walked away. Farewell past, welcome future!
Good morning, Sunshine(s)!
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He knew how to reach me deep inside
And he found a part of me I could not hide
And we’d walk and talk and touch tenderly
Then he’d lay me down and make love to me
We built a love so strong and couldn’t break
There was not a road we were afraid to take
And we’d kiss all the way from Arkansas to Rome
‘Cause in each other’s arms we were home sweet home
But he don’t feel the same
Since our lives became
Years of bills, babies and chains
Home ain’t where his heart is anymore
He may hang his hat behind our bedroom door
But he don’t lay his head down to love me like before
Home ain’t where his heart is anymore
If foundations made of stone can turn to dust
Then the hardest hearts of steel can turn to rust
If he could only find that feeling once again
If we could only change the way the story ends
And he may still come home
But I live here alone
The love that built these walls is gone
Home ain’t where his heart is anymore
He may hang his hat behind our bedroom door
But he don’t lay his head down to love me like before
He don’t lay his head down to love me like before
Home ain’t where his heart is anymore
No, home ain’t where his heart is
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~Erica Jong
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I woke up yesterday morning immediately jumping out of bed and leaping into the kids’ room. Kitreena greeted my “Good morning, Sunshine!” back with a puzzled look and a question: “Mom, why are you still wearing that old pyjamas? It has holes sudah on it. Is it because you like this pyjamas so much?” There she went again, answering her question on my behalf.
.
“Of course,” I was going to answer her simply. But I went on saying, “Just because it’s old does not mean I have to get a new one. I love this pyjamas. I won’t grow out of it anymore anyway. I am done growing. By the way, I do like the holes. They make my armpits breathe easily when I sleep.”
.
Kitreena chuckled. And just before she disappeared into the bathroom, she looked at me and said, “Mom, your face is still beautiful, you know.”
.
I didn’t see the connection between my face and my old pyjamas. But I don’t think my daughter is going to get a new mom just because her old mom has holes in her heart.
.
The skies were gray and it rained almost the whole day yesterday, but I knew my hole-y heart will have its sunshine for a lifetime.
.
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Back on June 17, 2008:
We arrived in Bangkok with only the clouds to welcome us. Took a relatively old taxi to Holiday Inn Chidlom-Ploenchit in a pouring rain. And of course the relatively old taxi had no safety belts in the back seat and of course the driver had to go 100km/hour to probably prove that he was a true picture of Krating Daeng (that is Red Bull, to most of you!)
With this picture of happiness, I can always ‘go back’ in time.
Holding on to the memories, to where we were on June 19, 2008.
To The Temple of Dawn.
Life goes easy on me.
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This is Mom a few hours before she went into the operation theatre at HUKM the night of July 31. She was wearing a hat Edrick made at school celebrating Grandparents’ Day coincidentally on the same day. Mom was extremely weak and in the same time was in so much pain I thought she would break. She didn’t break. My heart did.
I made jokes just before she was wheeled into the OT. That I was going to miss her tremendously since I would not see her until August. She was going to be in the OT from July 31 to August 1. It was a flip of the calendar leaf before I saw Mom again, I said. She smiled. But even that smile broke my heart.
After the high-risk surgery, she was placed in the Intensive Care Unit for the next six days. And for those six days, she was declared ‘very critical’. I didn’t know what that meant. But it broke my heart all the same when Mom just would not open her eyes to our calling for her.
It was on the fifth day of Mom in the ICU that another news broke my heart clean. Between Mom’s falling into that probable long sleep and my falling out of myself, the love of my life was falling out of love with me. For once, I wished it was I who was lying on that bed…falling out of life.
I never did fall out of life. Neither did I…love.
“All these things shall love do unto you
that you may know the secrets of your heart,
and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.”
~ Kahlil Gibran
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When You’re Gone
I always needed time on my own
I never thought I’d need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I’m alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side
When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now
When you’re gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you’re gone
That face I came to know is missing too
When you’re gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you
I’ve never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do
When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now
We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I’d do, I’d give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me
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For so long…I have not been able to take that long walk with myself. But today I went for a walk with Lord whom I thought had left me far behind where I left Him. It was today that I knew He had carried me. He still does. All I have to do is ask.
So tonight, I asked for a smile.
My Confession
I have been blind, unwilling
To see the true love you’re giving
I have ignored every blessing
I’m on my knees confessing
That I feel myself surrender
Each time I see your face
I am staggered by your beauty
Your unassuming grace
And I feel my heart is turning
Falling into place
I can’t hide
Now hear my confession
I have been wrong about you
Thought I was strong without you
For so long nothing could move me
For so long nothing could change me
Now I feel myself surrender
Each time I see your face
I am captured by your beauty
Your unassuming grace
And I feel my heart is turning
Falling into place
I can’t hide
Now hear my confession
You are the air that I breathe
You’re the ground beneath my feet
When did I stop believing?
Cause I feel myself surrender
Each time I see your face
I am staggered by your beauty
Your unassuming grace
And I feel my heart
Falling into place
I can’t hide
Now hear my confession
I can’t hide
Now hear my confession
Hear my confession.
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It’s been a week now since the bomb was dropped on me and I was broken to pieces. The only security I thought I was going to have in life was my love. And I am now stripped naked of that security – no signs, no warnings, no mercy. I am all out of love as Be said…he is progressively leaning towards a future withOUT me.
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The first three days, Edrick only went in for two hours each. We didn’t want to tire him out too soon. And on the first day, he came home topless. Reason being: after school, I was going to get a couple sets of Tues-Fri uniform and trying to get him the right size. Off went the Monday uniform and never landed back on him! It was a scorching hot day. Didn’t blame him either. I wish I could walk around with a lot less on top myself.
The second day was not too bad either. But came the third, he knew this woman who looks like his Mom would not be around for a couple hours. So, he did the waterworks for a bit. Fourth day, the same thing. But the good thing was, he never ran back to me or struggled to not go into his classroom. He just cried almost quietly with tears running down those chubby cheeks.
Second week, first day…he looked happy to go to school. We got to the gate, Edrick grabbed his school bag from my hand with a frown, the principal walked him in and he looked back at me when I said goodbye…with teary eyes. He cried for a good ten or twenty seconds. But no resistance.
And the rest is history, biology, geography, geometry…
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Questa è Enida 