Questa è Enida

Analogically speaking…
You know you like coffee. You know you have liked coffee all your life. And when we got together, you kinda hinted that you liked coffee. But that’s all they were. Hints. You never really did come out and say you wanted coffee. C.O.F.F.E.E. plain and simple.

And I…
I have been a tea personality. Not that I like tea all that much. Yet I like serving tea. T.E.A. even more plain and simple! And the fact that you never said anything about wanting other than tea, I took it that you liked my tea. Otherwise you would have mentioned coffee. Plus, you had nothing but praises for my tea. So Darjeeling it is, darling!

Being away from your tea wife, you found coffee. And you wondered why you were never happy with my tea. You accused me for never serving coffee when all you wanted was coffee and not tea. You hold on to your new-found coffee for the love of life and for the fear of ever having to come back to my tea.

Little that you know, all these years I have been waiting for you to come out and tell me that you wanted coffee. And in the meantime I have coffees piled up on me left right and center. No, I won’t ask whether you would come back to share my coffee. Not now. It’s not about liking coffee or tea now, is it? Coffee is coffee, whatever fancy names you order – Machiato, Cappucino, Flat White or Espresso.

It’s not the what question. It’s the which. And it’s all about being honest with ourselves.

Analogically speaking…
You know you like coffee. You know you have liked coffee all your life. And when we got together, you kinda hinted that you liked coffee. But that’s all they were. Hints. You never really did come out and say you wanted coffee. C.O.F.F.E.E. plain and simple.

And I…
I have been a tea personality. Not that I like tea all that much. Yet I like serving tea. T.E.A. even more plain and simple! And the fact that you never said anything about wanting other than tea, I took it that you liked my tea. Otherwise you would have mentioned coffee. Plus, you had nothing but praises for my tea. So Darjeeling it is, darling!

Being away from your tea wife, you found coffee. And you wondered why you were never happy with my tea. You accused me of never serving coffee when all you wanted was coffee and not tea. You hold on to your new-found coffee for the love of life and for the fear of ever having to come back to my tea.

Little that you know, all these years I have been waiting for you to come out and tell me that you wanted coffee. And in the meantime I have coffees piled up on me left right and center. No, I won’t ask whether you would come back to share my coffee. Not now. It’s not about liking coffee or tea now, is it? Coffee is coffee, whatever fancy names you order – Machiato, Cappucino, Flat White or Espresso.

It’s not the what question. It’s the which. And it’s all about being honest with ourselves.

It’s never easy to tell her that after all the hope that floats and all the roads she has taken to where she thought recovery was…she was actually about to jump off the cliff. She has nowhere to go now but down and hope that she’d grow wings before she lands. For she has cancer.

I know she has wings. She is my mother.

There’s so much to tell about an afternoon with a man who’s no longer wearing our wedding band. So much. But I am drained of words to even begin telling myself that we met, we hugged for the longest time, we sat, we talked, we touched and we cried. Yes, the two of us. I am home now and still asking myself, did we really? This song, playing on the radio on my way home was just a home-run for me.

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Sometimes When We Touch

You ask me if I love you
And I choke on my reply
I’d rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do?
I’m only just beginning to see the real you

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And sometimes when we touch
The honesty’s too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

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Romance and all its strategy
Leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity
Some tenderness survives
I’m just another writer
Still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prize fighter
Still trapped within my youth

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And sometimes when we touch
The honesty’s too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

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At times I’d like to break you
And drive you to your knees
At times I’d like to break through
And hold you endlessly

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At times I understand you
And I know how hard you’ve tried
I’ve watched while love commands you
And I’ve watched love pass you by

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At times I think we’re drifters
Still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister
But then the passion flares again

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And sometimes when we touch
The honesty’s too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

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When we met up and sat down for a few hours today to finally talk for the first time in probably years, I knew… it was then that our fears and dreams collided. I wished we had sat down and talked like that a year ago. Things would have been different. Fears and dreams, or even moon and stars could collide for all that collision’s worth… things would have been different.

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I’m hurting. And I am tired of hurting. I have been strong. And I am tired of being strong too. So when I am still crying and tired of crying… I asked God as to why He made me and filled me with so much love, it hurts. I haven’t got any answer. So I am praying. And pray that I am never going to be tired of praying, and tired of loving.

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I am taking that walk again tomorrow and I know, God will be running towards me – with or without an answer.

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“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.”

~ Anonymous

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Was just taking it easy today at home. Well, not that easy. Called Chia, the locksmith, to get our sliding doors lock fixed. Bibik accidentally broke the key when she was trying to get the doors opened on the Raya morn, and half of the key was stuck in the keyhole. For two nights, those sliding doors were guarded by my #7 bro, Lam. Anyway, Chia came and Chia left with the whole lock removed from the door. Okay, whatever! He’s the locksmith. I am just a lovesmith. We were on two different categories if I ever made it to the Yellowpages.

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So Chia came, Chia left and Chia was supposed to come back later in the afternoon with the lock fixed. But Chia didn’t show up until I was about to leave for supper at Lil Sis’s house. And on top of it, Chia forgot to bring the duplicate key he made for the fixed lock! Alaaa Chia ni. So Chia is coming again tomorrow morning with the key. At the moment, the sliding doors are just wedged by an axe and a broken piece of wood from our old bed. The alarm is set, no worries, neither Chia nor Chickadee can come in without waking me up first tonight.

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So we had supper at Lil Sis’s house, only 14km away from home. Like always, Kitreena and I would have our little chat while I am driving. Tonight, wearing her sweet baby blue baju kurung, she got thinking again about her self.

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Mom, I am half Asian.
Yes, you are. Who told you that?
You did!
I did? I forgot I did. Yes, you are half Asian, half Caucasian. Caucasian is white.
I know what Caucasian is, Mom. You don’t have to tell me.
Oops! Okay. And you know, we Asians are the pretty kind. Just like Caucasians. But you are the prettier kind.
(I said that to cheer her up. She wasn’t happy with me taking it easy at home today. She wanted to go somewhere, like yesterday, we went to Pagoh.)

Kitreena had a big grin. For a few seconds she just stared at me, smiling.

But Mom, you know…you are one of a kind.

She just cheered me up instead. My day was made.
Easy!

Ice Cream

Your love is better than ice cream
Better than anything else that I’ve tried
And your love is better than ice cream
Everyone here knows how to fight

And it’s a long way down
It’s a long way down
It’s a long way down to the place
Where we started from

Your love is better than chocolate
Better than anything else that I’ve tried
Oh love is better than chocolate
Everyone here knows how to cry

It’s a long way down
It’s a long way down
It’s a long way down to the place
Where we started from…

~Sarah McLachlan