Questa è Enida

I felt so merajuk today that I Googled for my own old entries on my merajuk bouts. And I saw a pattern. I actually merajuk every December 20th. It has been three years of merajuk December 20th’s. The last happy December 20th I had was in 2008, when I surprised my Mom with a cake. She wasn’t all that surprised, I think. But she was the happiest I had seen. It was her 60th birthday. Her last.

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I still merajuk that Mom left too soon. She was my best listener who believed that no matter how harsh I had become, I was her refined treasured gem. I was her Intan. No matter how miserable I looked or sounded, I was her best sight and her favorite sound. I sang the best ‘Sayang Di Sayang’ — better than ten Kartina Dahari’s put together. To her.

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I merajuk so much because I have to spend the rest of my life finding love from someone who can take my beginning as well as my ending. Someone who can love me in between, and love me in the end when love itself ends. And in the depth of my rajuk, I got thinking… maybe it wasn’t Mom that I saw was the happiest on December 20th, 2008. It was me. And there’s no more.

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