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When Skies Are Gray

I woke up yesterday morning immediately jumping out of bed and leaping into the kids’ room. Kitreena greeted my “Good morning, Sunshine!” back with a puzzled look and a question: “Mom, why are you still wearing that old pyjamas? It has holes sudah on it. Is it because you like this pyjamas so much?” There she went again, answering her question on my behalf.

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“Of course,” I was going to answer her simply. But I went on saying, “Just because it’s old does not mean I have to get a new one. I love this pyjamas. I won’t grow out of it anymore anyway. I am done growing. By the way, I do like the holes. They make my armpits breathe easily when I sleep.”

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Kitreena chuckled. And just before she disappeared into the bathroom, she looked at me and said, “Mom, your face is still beautiful, you know.”

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I didn’t see the connection between my face and my old pyjamas. But I don’t think my daughter is going to get a new mom just because her old mom has holes in her heart.

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The skies were gray and it rained almost the whole day yesterday, but I knew my hole-y heart will have its sunshine for a lifetime.

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Really like what my Lil Sis has on her blog’s profile:
“I write so I can always remember the simplest things about people and life.
That I can always go to where time does not permit.
Back.”

Back on June 17, 2008:
We arrived in Bangkok with only the clouds to welcome us. Took a relatively old taxi to Holiday Inn Chidlom-Ploenchit in a pouring rain. And of course the relatively old taxi had no safety belts in the back seat and of course the driver had to go 100km/hour to probably prove that he was a true picture of Krating Daeng (that is Red Bull, to most of you!)

While Be and I were holding hands and holding on to each other for dear life in the back seat, I could not help but thinking…if we were to end in a car crash, at the very least we would be found still holding on to each other. Morbid thought, I know. But it was the ‘holding-on’ part that keeps me holding on now, I guess.

With this picture of happiness, I can always ‘go back’ in time.
Holding on to the memories, to where we were on June 19, 2008.
To The Temple of Dawn.

Life goes easy on me.

Behind Closed Eyes

This is Mom a few hours before she went into the operation theatre at HUKM the night of July 31. She was wearing a hat Edrick made at school celebrating Grandparents’ Day coincidentally on the same day. Mom was extremely weak and in the same time was in so much pain I thought she would break. She didn’t break. My heart did.

I made jokes just before she was wheeled into the OT. That I was going to miss her tremendously since I would not see her until August. She was going to be in the OT from July 31 to August 1. It was a flip of the calendar leaf before I saw Mom again, I said. She smiled. But even that smile broke my heart.

After the high-risk surgery, she was placed in the Intensive Care Unit for the next six days. And for those six days, she was declared ‘very critical’. I didn’t know what that meant. But it broke my heart all the same when Mom just would not open her eyes to our calling for her.

It was on the fifth day of Mom in the ICU that another news broke my heart clean. Between Mom’s falling into that probable long sleep and my falling out of myself, the love of my life was falling out of love with me. For once, I wished it was I who was lying on that bed…falling out of life.

I never did fall out of life. Neither did I…love.

“All these things shall love do unto you
that you may know the secrets of your heart,
and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.”
~ Kahlil Gibran

When You’re Gone

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I’d need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I’m alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side
When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

When you’re gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you’re gone
That face I came to know is missing too
When you’re gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok
I miss you

I’ve never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do
When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I’d do, I’d give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me

A Walk To Remember

For so long…I have not been able to take that long walk with myself. But today I went for a walk with Lord whom I thought had left me far behind where I left Him. It was today that I knew He had carried me. He still does. All I have to do is ask.

So tonight, I asked for a smile.

My Confession

I have been blind, unwilling
To see the true love you’re giving
I have ignored every blessing
I’m on my knees confessing

That I feel myself surrender
Each time I see your face
I am staggered by your beauty
Your unassuming grace
And I feel my heart is turning
Falling into place
I can’t hide
Now hear my confession

I have been wrong about you
Thought I was strong without you
For so long nothing could move me
For so long nothing could change me

Now I feel myself surrender
Each time I see your face
I am captured by your beauty
Your unassuming grace
And I feel my heart is turning
Falling into place
I can’t hide
Now hear my confession

You are the air that I breathe
You’re the ground beneath my feet
When did I stop believing?

Cause I feel myself surrender
Each time I see your face
I am staggered by your beauty
Your unassuming grace
And I feel my heart
Falling into place
I can’t hide
Now hear my confession
I can’t hide
Now hear my confession
Hear my confession.

I’m All Out of Love

It’s been a week now since the bomb was dropped on me and I was broken to pieces. The only security I thought I was going to have in life was my love. And I am now stripped naked of that security – no signs, no warnings, no mercy. I am all out of love as Be said…he is progressively leaning towards a future withOUT me.

Kemudian Ke Sekolah


My son has grown so much that he is now off to Harvard (Ek eleh Enida berlagak tak hingat!) Tadika Sri Puncak, 200 meters away from home. His first day was awesome for him. Not so for me. He just walked in, started touching all the ‘tools and gadgets’ in the gobok and gave me the ‘what-is-this-woman-who-looks-like-my-Mom-doing-here-still’ look after we were done standing still singing the national anthem at the assembly. Edrick never stood still, if you ever wondered. The whole song, he was weighing the buiding blocks. There was a weighing scale there, of course.

The first three days, Edrick only went in for two hours each. We didn’t want to tire him out too soon. And on the first day, he came home topless. Reason being: after school, I was going to get a couple sets of Tues-Fri uniform and trying to get him the right size. Off went the Monday uniform and never landed back on him! It was a scorching hot day. Didn’t blame him either. I wish I could walk around with a lot less on top myself.

The second day was not too bad either. But came the third, he knew this woman who looks like his Mom would not be around for a couple hours. So, he did the waterworks for a bit. Fourth day, the same thing. But the good thing was, he never ran back to me or struggled to not go into his classroom. He just cried almost quietly with tears running down those chubby cheeks.

Second week, first day…he looked happy to go to school. We got to the gate, Edrick grabbed his school bag from my hand with a frown, the principal walked him in and he looked back at me when I said goodbye…with teary eyes. He cried for a good ten or twenty seconds. But no resistance.

And the rest is history, biology, geography, geometry…

To Keep Me Hanging On

The other day I learned something new about myself. Or perhaps I should say re-learned instead. I re-learned that I hate doing laundry but I actually do have a favorite part of doing this thing that I don’t like doing. And in the case of not liking doing laundry, I enjoy the hanging part. Especially if the clothes-line is out in the sun. Do I love being in the sun as well, I cannot say. As everytime I go to the beach, I put on a long-sleeves shirt, a big floppy hat and sunscreen.

I don’t think I should ever get a house on the coast. I’d never hang laundry then.

Fitchy Affair

When Mom called and asked me to get a spinometry yesterday, what came to my mind was the word I got so familiar with lately, spinosaurus. Thanks to Kitreena, her thematic terms and Australian International School. I had no idea what it would look like and for some reason, I imagined some little medical tool with springs attached. And no, the springs won’t get Mom bouncing out of the hospital bed and into the Hundred Acre Woods. Not so soon, anyway.

So I speedwalked to the HUKM Pharmacy to grab one.

And no, it wasn’t a speedily simple task getting a spinometry, meh sini akak nak citer. Dah lah pharmacy nya tak cukup letrik, lampu malap. Shelves…banyak lagi shelves khutubkhanah desa kampung Sri Ketumbit Kerdau nun. There is one tiny counter (high-to-the-chest kind) with four pharmacists attending to customers. Well the counter is tiny lah jadinya to accommodate four people.

Two lanes were visible by the labels hung from the ceiling: “Kaunter Bayaran” and “Kaunter Pertanyaan”. So, naturally and wisely I went to the “Kaunter Pertanyaan” lah to mengajukan pertanyaan bagaimanakan rupa spinometry tersebut, berapakah harganya dan adakah spinometry tersebut dijual disitu.

As I was lining up behind one gentleman came one perfectly healthy man who was definitely not a gentleman lah cutting the line like he did. And then came another, and then another. I looked at them dengan jelingan maut tak hingat punya. But none dared to look at me and the bagak stroller right in front of me. Siap melangkah angkat kaki paras pinggang ni nak mengelak the stroller! They think it was my HOBBY kah to just stand in a pharmacy and watch the world go by and mempersilakan semua orang potong my queue?

The same thing happened at the “Kaunter Bayaran” queue. Everybody was handing in their prescription slip and nobody waited for their turn. What the third rock from the sun was going on here? The problem was, the pharmacists said nothing about it, didn’t ikut turutan who got there first to buy something ka, to just melangut ka, to rob the shop ka. Tapi kononnya, “Ye puan?”, “Ye encik?” addressing the customers ever so protocolly correct lah kan.

So I had to say something, politically correct lah of course. “Excuse me? What’s going on here? I got here first and no one is lining up. It’s just not fair.” Short and simple. And here’s what one of the pharmacists said to my pertanyaan ‘ada berapa barisan ni sebenarnya?’…”Entahlah, saya pun tak pasti.”

Huuuuaaaaaaattttt? My eyes yang dah lama tak terbeliak ni tiba-tiba jadi terbelalak beyond comprehension! I mean, how could you ‘tuanpunya kedai’ say that you are not sure ada berapa barisan people can berbaris to get to the two counters? Well, that’s not the end of my keterbeliakan. Without solving the queueing issue, the pharmacist just asked, “Puan nak apa?”

Tanpa mau mencipta adegan yang tak hingin anda lihat di HUKM Pharmacy tersebut, akak pun without dilly dally cakap je lah nak beli spinometry. And guess what ladies and gentlemen, the aforementioned pharmacist dengan penuh perasaan nya berkata, “Hah, masuklah barisan untuk Kaunter Bayaran!”

So, tuan-tuan dan puan-puan board of the juries…
I thank you for understanding why I feel the way I feel these days and why I need to get the FITCH jacket. With this, I rest my case. In peace. Whatever peace is.

Fitch I Am

I saw a lady this morning with this on the back of her denim jacket:

“I’m a Fitch”

My thought was…hmmm could it mean “I’m a Fucking Bitch”? If that’s what it means, I should get one or two of that jacket myself.