Questa è Enida

Kepada mereka yang tergolong dalam golongan orang-orang yang berkawan dengan akak di Facebook mungkin ada perasan gamaknya tentang this little story morning glory. Sebuah cerita yang memberi warna ceria lagi striking malah fluorescent dalam hidup akak kira-kira limabelas pagi nan lalu. Maka dah limabelas hari jua lah akak menjerukmaman cerita ini dengan penuh asam dan garam serta butir nasik dari Kelumpo sampai ke Bukit Pokrovsky punya lama nak menyampaikan ke WordPress.

Tersebutlah kisah di pagi nan hening dan bening itu… Akak dah ler masuk tidur jam 7 pagi akibat asek menulis novel blog. Tak dan sempat satu jam kepala akak mencium bantal, tiba-tiba akak dibangunkan oleh lemparan sebutir SMS berapi 3-pages-long dari seorang wanita yang berwasangka akak sedang teruja hendak Bermain Jongkang-Jongket™ dengan suami beliau. Hah?

Ye betul, para hadirin sekalian! Bermain Jongkang-Jongket™. Jangan scroll down screen PC atau laptop anda. Tidak salah apa yang anda lihat di kaca computer anda yang bukannya diperbuat daripada kaca itu. Istilah Kak Enida ni memang kena mohon Trademark or Copyright Reserved nih. Oleh kerana pada akak tuduhan wanita tersebut agak papan gelungsur akan keterlaluannya, memang terperanjat bukan kepalang tanggung. Ingatkan wanita lain je yang berminat nak Bermain Jongkang-Jongket™ dengan suami akak macam what happened last year. Tapi  di pagi yang cerah itu akak pulak dituduh Bermain Jongkang-Jongket™ dengan suami wanita tersebut. Isyy isyy isyy… banyak betul dugaan jadi WWWF (Wonder Woman with a Wow! Factor) macam akak ni. Auuuwwwf!

Well, before akak mengomail dan Menggoblog^© (blogging) about it kat sini, here’s some background information to piece this little teka-teki of the story morning glory together. Akak ni simple je orangnya. So I won’t complicate simple things with complications.

Prakata:
Facebook must have seen hundreds if not thousands of reunions, I dare bet a dollar to a donut to it lah. I, for one, was reunited with the boy who sat next to me in Grade Four! Let’s just call him Zack here, shall we? Nak dijadikan cerita, I finally found Zack on Facebook after NOT trying to Google him for quite a number of years. To cut the story short, we spoke on the phone, reminiscing that little story of a flying kiss I gave him when I passed by his classroom. I must have burst my throat open that afternoon for laughing so hard when he reminded me of the flying kiss story! I had TOTALLY forgotten ALL about it. I did!

That phone conversation done, and we were overwhelmingly excited about childhood stories revisited, I received a Facebook message from Zack a couple nights later, asking me to call him. As I was extremely occupied with KaCher and me Monchies, I didn’t respond to the message until much later saying that I would give him a call in the morning at an appropriate time. But as I was sitting down to blog knead my daily bread way later that night, this text message came in:

U impress me by wrds, wndr wat else can u do..gd nit

Woooohoooooo! Ahak ahak. Well, to say that I was flattered bila baca his statement memuji tu was an understatement lah kan. Memang kembang semua mangkuk kat taman akak dengan pujian di larut malam begitu. Kerana diriku sungguh berharga! And assuming that he had read my blog ke (to have been impressed by me or by my words), akak pun… sebagai orang bahasa, mainkan balik his words in my reply sms:

Oh I can do wonders! Words are just what eyes can see and ears can hear. Ehem! Hehe. Great night!

 

Memang akak perasan macam wanita berbakat gitu! And notice the word wonder, okay tuan-tuan dan puan-puan? Since Zack said he ‘wondered’ what else I could do, akak pun recycle lah perkataan ‘wonder’ beliau itu. Maklumlah akak ni kan memang is a wonderful speaker, wonderful cook, wonderful editor cum proofreader, wonderful trainer, wonderful mother, wonderful wife, wonderful singer (akak dulu La Femme De Jogette selama beberapa tahun, jangan tak wonder about it!)

The Kata-Kata:
So that was that. The goodnight was said, tutup talipon. Khalas, kaputski, finitto, конец! Alih-alih, akak bangun keesokan paginya belum sempat siram pokok bunga, pokok bunga melur belum lagi tanam tepi kolam, itik belum bertelur ayam belum mengeram… akak bukak mata akak yang bulat ni only to see this sms:

Salam n g’mrng. I’m Azura or bttr rfr as Mrs. Zack. Just 2 let u knw tht i understnd ur acqntnc wth him but wht i x apprcte is d way u r behavg. X sure if u r really married. But if u x i c why n if u did thn i x c wht lacks in ur mrrg…coz a girl tht brags about being able 2 do wonders 2 smbd’s hband really shows a pychotic bhvr….in realty she is truely nothing thn just words she has 2 impress. Man is born 2 flirt but wht kinda wife does tht….. I’m sure u hv pride n intellgt so i wld apprct if u cld crry urslf accdgly n learn 2 hv some respect for smbdy’s wife. May allah bless u…salam.

If you find it a bit challenging to understand her text message with all the abbreviations – let’s not talk grammar lah kan – here’s an edited cum proofread version of it:

Salam and good morning. I’m Azura or better referred to as Mrs. Zack. Just to let you know that I understand your acquaintance with him (my husband, Zack) but what I don’t appreciate is the way you are behaving. Not sure if you are really married. But if you are not, I see why. And if you are, then I don’t see what lacks in your marriage… because a girl that brags about being able to do wonders to somebody’s husband really shows a psychotic behavior… in reality she truly has nothing but words to impress. Men are born to flirt, but what kind of wives would do that? I’m sure you have pride/dignity and intelligence. So I would appreciate if you could carry yourself accordingly and learn to have some respect for somebody’s wife. May Allah bless you. Salam.”

With my eyes still going klip-pok klip-pok terkulat-kulat pagi tu di ranjang tidurku (pehhh! Ranjang okay!) trying like Windows application to restore setting after being shut down abruptly, I thought I had been kidnapped and sent to Planet Uranus! I tried going back to sleep to see if it would take me back to Planet Earth, but sirna belaka cobaanku. So… being the simple and uncomplicated woman that I am, I was going to send this as a reply:

Salam Mrs. Zack, thank you for your sms. All said, I just hope you know what I was responding to when I said ‘I can do wonders’.

 

Tapi sebaik sahaja akak nak pechett the ‘Send’ button, another alien kidnapped me to Planet Urasses. Mrs. Zack aka Azura sent another message yang berbunyik begini:

Enida, srry 2 get u into ths bv need a little favour frm u. Thgh we’ve bn mrrd 4 10yrs n stll really love each othr tht much but i x wanna stop him in pursuing his happiness. Pls persuade him 2 let me go nicely so we cld both b happy.

 

Okay, here’s an improved version (dengan tidak merobah maksud asal teks ucapan di atas):

Enida, sorry to get you into this but need a little favour from you. Though we’ve been married for 10 years and still really love each other very much, I don’t want to stop him in pursuing his happiness. Please persuade him to let me go nicely so we could both be happy.

What the?

So akak just antor je ler message di atas tersebut yang akak dah karang dengan penuh tactfulness dan diplomasi. Orang cemburu yang sedang marah biasanya tak dapat membaca dengan baik. Bak kata adat pepatih kita: “A jealous and furious wife is never a good reader!” So tak payah cakap banyak, Mrs. Johnson. For all I know, she was probably scrolling up and down her husband’s phone MMS Inbox frantically looking for gambar bugil akak dengan jari telunjuk di bibir yang basah motioning what WONDERS akak boleh lakukan terhadap Mr. Zack. Oh, boleh bikin filem Azura II ini macam!

Walaubagaimanapun, Mrs. Zack came back tak rela mengalah dengan ini akak yang lahir sebelum zaman Parameswara dan penjajahan Belanda tahun 1511… saying:

Dear, i wasn’t born yesterday…as i x read between the lines. Salam

 

No translation nor editing needed on this one, huh! Well, even though at that rate I wished that she was only to be born next year… I knew there was no use dealing with a jealous woman. They obviously had something going on in their marriage. I just happened to pass by with a camera – I wasn’t supposed to be in the picture – I was grabbed and dragged into it! So after wondering if her husband was in the know about this, akak pun menulis satu lagi pesanan yang ringkas dan malas. Kali ni kepada si suami:

Good morning Zack. What’s going on ya? I just received 2 text messages from your wife. Pretty heavy stuff for me to be judged as having a psychotic behavior from my one-liner “I can do wonders” last night. And then Azura asked me to persuade you to ‘let her go nicely’? Huh? What’s the story morning glory, man?

 

Akak pun dah malas dah nak tulis ending cerita ni punya lah panjang. Masalahnya akak tak boleh nak omit mana-mana details above sebab everything happened within less than 20 hours. Anyway to cut the story shorter than short, Zack called and asked if I dared cared to Starbucks with him for old time’s sake. At first risau jugak akak kalau-kalau nanti kena serang hendap oleh isteri beliau dan terbergaduh ala-ala Fazura vs Geraldine Mariana Wong! Buang karan akak je barang 220 watt! Suami akak pun akak tak tau mana nak letak, inikan pulak suami orang. Akak baru je nak join Pertubuhan Ibu Tunggal peringkat negeri Selangor tahun lepas. Jangan buat-buat lupa pulak.

But anyway, Zack came up with a better idea – he would like to introduce his Azura to me. Well, that… I must say was pretty hard to resist! Memang akak suka dan teruja kalau dapat berjumpa dan berkenalan dengan orang-orang yang ‘were not born yesterday’ nih. These people are at the brink of a huge loss lah kalau tak berkesempatan kenal dengan Enida of the Questa è Enida ni, I tell you dengan hidung kembang tak hengatt!

So we met up. Had a civilly friendly conversation about nothing much. There wasn’t much in common between us to begin with other than her husband. So it was easy, brief and no wonder-wonder punya… no wondercon, no wonderland, no wonderbra, and no wonderpets! Yeah, it was almost an anti-climax to what was so worked up to supposedly be a menage a trois! Oooh la la je t’aime du fond de mon coeur!

I drove to the airport to pick up Mr. Johnson right after that penggambaran filem Perempuan, Isteri dan Suami Beliau Yang Disangka Bermain Jongkang-Jongket™ Dengan Perempuan Tersebut with a smile and sebelah kening yang terangkat seraya berkata di dalam hati… hmmm, no wonder lah.