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Archive for the ‘Hurt’ Category

Come True

When I write, I don’t usually think or write about my writing. More often than not, I would just tell you my side of stories. The way I see them, the way I feel them and the way I live them, being me. Being this Enida.

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And perhaps the last thing I would be thinking about when I write is… whether I am writing what I’m writing from the heart, or from the mind. I don’t really know where it comes from. It is challenging enough as it is, to write from my memory.

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So the other day when someone, I can’t even remember who it was now, said, “Enida I can feel that you write from the heart,” I didn’t know how to respond. For someone who kind of almost always has the last say, I didn’t. I didn’t know what to say.

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I came home here – to my writing – and started reading some of the ‘Hurt’ entries to see if I sounded like I was writing from my heart. To be honest with you, I couldn’t tell. I still can’t. But I do have a question for you.

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When you tell the truth, can you tell if it comes from the heart?

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For the longest time, I thought I had a broken heart. Too broken to write from.

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Way Away

If I believe everything I hear, I should just walk away and never look back.

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I don’t. I don’t believe everything I hear. I don’t want to.

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But I am letting go. So go. Walk away and never come back.

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Tonight I Do

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Whenever You Call

All this tough look and hurtful words and the “whatever” attitude are just my way of protecting my heart. And I have been lying to myself. The pain is overwhelming and I don’t know how to reach out. I have been trying to patch this damaged Enida doing everything I can. Looking everywhere possible for the one hand to take mine, and for the one voice to tell me I am all right.

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But all I am is… nowhere. And all I have is… no one.

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Yet Again

Yes, I have.
I have, in all my waking hours, been reminding myself that  love, in any form, is the best defense against loneliness. Yes, I have. But the trouble is, I don’t trust Enida. I don’t trust if she could ever pick herself up again if she is let down. Again. There shouldn’t be any again, again.  I am shutting everyone out, out of fear of being hurt.

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I am, in all my humbleness… scared.

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When

When I need a shoulder to cry on, and when you can’t even give me your fingertip, I know who you are.

Should I still be me?

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Lick It Or Not

To tell the truth, I am very angry. Very very angry! I have waited since April 23rd 2009 to let this out but everytime I felt the anger, it cut me deep. You may not have respect for me. But you don’t know me. I am done licking my wound. Deep wound.

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I am gone cutting.

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Sesekali

… Andainya engkau pepohon nan rendang
bawah bayangmu aku menumpang.

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Surat

I wrote this a while ago. Unless I try really hard to recall, I can’t even remember whom it was for:

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Saya sudah penat dengan penat. Penat yang kadang-kadang tersebut hanya di mulut. Tubuh tak mengikut. Saya penat memahami. Saya penat menanti. Seperti banyak yang mengaku mengerti saya, tapi tak ada yang menguntukkan masa. Saya seharusnya jangan menunggu-nunggu. Mungkin sudah sampai waktunya saya melangkah pergi.

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Kerana kelihatannya seperti tak akan ada satu pun surat cinta saya berbalas cinta.

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Hmmm whatever lah Enida!

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Apple Picking

Dear Farah,
I read you, and my heart goes out to you. I have so much to say, and yet only this is worth saying about him and her. Tell her, “If he can do it with you, he can do it to you.” That is lesson numero uno about faithfulness.

And you, my dear, are worth all the love waiting for you.

Picking out a good apple takes time. You’re lucky, the rotten one has volunteered to garbage himself. Bad apples belong together.

Here’s sending you the biggest hug from Moscow.

Love,
Enida

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Thank you Farah, for reminding me of this. I am now chanting this to myself in every waking hour when the pain gets to be a bit too much to bear.

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