Questa è Enida

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Mujhe jaana padega,
aap ko jaana hogaa.
Magar… kabhi alvida naa kehna.

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Dear June,
I must admit, the moment I finished reading the comment you left on my entry… I simply burst into tears. If you asked me what it was about, I wouldn’t know the answer. I could almost feel your hands reaching out to me offering the warmest embrace a woman can ever offer to another who is in pain. I felt the warmth. You are no stranger to me.

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Over the last two years, I have learned about what had been bothering you and I could relate so well. When you wrote about the post-partum depression, and how you took some medication… I actually kicked myself really hard for not even thinking that I could have done the same! I had it bad. I had it really bad, I tell you. Intimacy, after the kids were born, was like forcing me to eat dog poop wrapped in hot dog buns!

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It is a whole different story now, if it is any consolation. But I have been too hurt to start telling it in my entries. I am dying to tell everything actually. But like I said to my husband, Karl, I would have to divorce him first to make the whole story real and believable. Because people would be puzzled as to how I put up with this ‘pain inflicted upon me’ when I am still with the man who is supposed to have chewed my heart up and spitted it out.

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It is a long story, but basically my heart just hasn’t healed. The affair is over. In fact, that is ancient history if I believe everything he tells me. But when he brought a prostitute into this Moscow home less than two weeks of us being apart and not long before the kids and I joined him here… I lost it! And even that event is a 14-month old story now. I naturally felt very betrayed when I first found out about it – on my 4^th day in Moscow. If he had logged out of his email account properly, I would not have discovered the emails between him and Yonna Kim, the Korean-Russian hooker.

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And then the truth started to reveal itself, that even after Bali – where we spent 8 days talking, where he spent 8 days promising me the whole world all over again – he lied. I let him go to the other woman to break it up. But they had to ‘make love’ to say goodbye. Yeah right. Only when I pushed him to tell the truth, post-prostitute revelation, did he admit that him and the other woman did have sex (which he denied with his life when he first came back to me!)

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On April 23^rd last year, my 4^th day in Russia… we talked and made up again. I gave it a year. With the condition he had to seek professional help with his addiction issues. We talked again a few times after. He said he knew what to do to ‘avoid temptations’. And after a while, things felt like normal again. But the holes in my heart were just too big, too deep, and too many, June. My trust did not return. I have shifted from not feeling to not thinking, not thinking to not doubting, and not doubting to not caring. I don’t care whether or not he is faithful to me. Not anymore. I wouldn’t know if he would stop at any paid-service centers on his way home from work. I don’t know and I don’t care if he has.

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Until recently. And that was when I went to see my psychiatrist again in KL – the one I went to in August 2008 when Karl first dropped the bomb on me. I was so lost then, in 2008, when he was going to leave me and the kids. My mother was in coma, the kids were not well, and I just lost my full-time job. I thought I was going crazy. But talking to a professional really helped me put my life into perspectives. So when I was in KL a few weeks ago, I went to see Dr. Gonzaga again. I wasn’t really sure why I did, at first. I was just losing my sense of directions with my marriage.

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After updating the shrink with all that followed after 2008, his first question was:

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“Enida, have you ever looked at your relationship from the health point of view?”

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I cried! I simply broke down there and then. How could I not care? I don’t have another body or two to spare if this one rots away with diseases ‘inflicted upon me’! I got scared, June. I got really scared. Though I do keep the routine check-up done every year. I had not had any blood test or STD scans since I shared my husband with Yonna Kim! Considering she was the last, that is! That very question Dr. Gonzaga asked me was the wake-up call I didn’t know I was waiting for. And I suddenly realized that I had not been treating myself fairly.

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My decision to stay with my husband was all nice and romantic, but if it was the right decision… why was I not happy? And then I learned that over the one year period that I gave us to work things out… I had moved on because life went on. Kids had to go to school, I had to pack their lunchboxes, walk them to their class and help them with homework. In the meantime, the house needed a keeper and everything else kinda fell into its place because life had to go on. I was sucked into it as a flow-goer.

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When the days were good, they were diamonds. When they were bad, they were stones. I was left with the rocky patches here and there to believe that what I did was good for the kids and for the family. I never questioned what was in it for me. Trust was gone – check. Doubt was gone – check check. Proof was not looked for – check check check. All have been fine and dandy. Although I wasn’t truly happy, at least I was not miserable for most of the time. And I thought that was okay.

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It has now been a week since I came back to Moscow from a month break in Malaysia with Edrick. Last Saturday was our 10^th Wedding Anniversary, (we have been together for 12 years, though). He took me to the fanciest hotel and we went on a cruise to follow the Moskva River. It was all nice until I decided to talk about our marriage and what had been bothering me. And guess what? He got really angry with my psychiatrist for scaring me! And then he went on to blame my gynae for suggesting thorough blood test (including HIV and STD scans) that further scared me! He really believed what he did imposed no risk to him and me! Otherwise, he said, he would not have done it.

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My god! I remember looking at his angry face and thinking… how much more absurd could he possibly be? No wonder he did what he did! He thought the rubbers could save the world from everything! He thought he was absolutely protected because he practiced safe sex protectedly. Thanks to condom! Prostitutes? Ooooh bad girls, bad girls. But hey… here’s the condom to make it all good! “Here it comes to save the day,” eh? I just could not believe my ears.

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I didn’t mean to taint our anniversary with bad news. But bad news is bad news no matter how or how long you delay breaking it. And bad news is: I don’t have the heart to move on with this so-called ideal life with him anymore. Affair is over – check. Hooker story revealed, and forgiven – check check. Routine resumed – check check check. Everything is fine and dandy? I am afraid not. And there’s no better time than any other time. I had to tell him. But he got so caught up on me dropping him the bomb of this bad news on our anniversary! He thought it was me being vindictive. Goodness!

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The next day, he asked me to fight for our marriage, look at the pictures of us this last year as a happy family, seek for professional help to regain faith in our relationship and whatever it takes to ‘come back’. As a matter of proving his willingness to work things out, he has made an appointment with a marriage counselor (happening this coming Friday evening) for us to start discussions.

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The truth is… I am tired. I have nothing more to say. And I am not into it anymore. I don’t even have sympathy, if you asked me. I am all sucked out of energy, faith, trust, passion and patience for this thing so overratedly called love. To the point that I just want to be left alone – to enjoy my children, to go back to the people whom I know would go through fire before they make me feel like ‘nothing’. I am dying to move on, but on a different path now. The path I have been on has proven to be unworkable. I don’t mind hard work, I don’t mind pain. But I have to trust. And trust in my husband is no longer there.

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So this is it, June.

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I don’t know what to do yet with the transition. At the moment, taking my best friend’s advice, I would just go through the motion of working things out. So he can’t say I didn’t try. Marriage counselor? Okay. Look at happy pictures? Okay. Do more things together? Ok. In the meantime, realistically, I am working on shifting back to Malaysia. Get the kids the proper papers to be there with me (both Kitreena and Edrick are Canadian citizens). I am planning to start my own business (I train service-industry people how to speak the London properly, by the way 🙂 – Business Communication Skills). So I should seriously tap the desperate Malaysian market before it runs dry. 🙂

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At the moment, I feel nothing but exhaustion. I was going to say I am sad. But I am done being sad. Angry, maybe. But I am done dealing with anger. It is now trickling out of me and I am releasing the energy into a new beginning. All for me. Whatever love is, it’s mine alone. And I, alone, am fine.

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Thank you for your warm offer to hear me out, June. I hope you didn’t regret it halfway into reading my unforgivingly long email. 🙂 I feel better now, Miss Stranger-No-More!

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Thank you.

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The night before Midsummer Day,
Enida on June 23^rd.

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Sebaiknya saya pejamkan saja mata saya ini. Tidur, dan buang semua lelah. Malam sudah membawa ke pagi. Seperti sebaiknya saya pejamkan saja hati saya untuk cinta. Tutup semuanya. Jangan ada yang tiris masuk. Jangan ada yang tumpah ke luar. Penatnya hati saya menjaga cinta, tak terlambai tangan mohon dibalas.

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Sudahnya, seperti malam yang membawa ke pagi itu… cinta saya hilang di simpanan. Saya lah juga masih di situ. Memberi pada yang tidak menghargai. Dan apabila cinta pulang, yang hilang itu saya. Saya rupanya berpaling walau tak terus pergi. Cinta yang pulang itu tumpahnya tak saya sambut lagi. Entah serik, entah merajuk, entah kan memang tak dapat saya adakan. Dasar hilang di simpanan, begitulah. Ada yang tiada.

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Tidak mahu sembuh-sembuh luka saya ini rupanya. Tidak mahu pulih hanya dengan menjadi Enida yang begitu sejak 1998. Dua belas tahun menjadi Enida yang itu… sudahnya, selain dua anugerah syurga, telah saya jadi sebuah ruang kosong. Tak ada jendelanya, tapi telah dia memandang ke luar. Tak ada pintunya, tapi telah dia melangkah pergi. Tak ada warnanya, tapi tak juga ada cahaya. Terang yang menggelapkan jiwa.

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Haruskah saya terus diam di situ hanya untuk tidak menjadi Enida yang baru?

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