Sushi is not something I would go for unaccompanied. It was always a Pax-of-Three for many years. But today I am braving it on my own to mark Day 70 of being Mother but Single.
I miss the Little Big Man who would always make sure I never had to touch the hot water tap. And I miss the Little Miss who would always mix my soy sauces for me before handing over the chopsticks.
And I miss singing my silly Sushi song every time my people suggested Sushi dindin. So if you know “For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow” song, sing along now!
For he’s a jolly good fellow, for he’s a jolly good fellow, for he’s a jolly good fellowww…
Since 2010, the house rule was… to always keep the door behind us closed. So whenever we left our rooms, or went downstairs, all the doors on the third floor should be shut. Mine, the kids’ and the linen closet doors. The reason was the wind, initially. And when Cino came into the household, he was an add-on to the rule. All the more reason why the doors should remain closed. The wind and the moving bulu.
But April 20th 2026, these doors were left open. Cino had left the house a week earlier. And then Monchies followed suit. When I came home from the airport after midnight, I was too exhausted to notice. But the next morning, as I opened my door to go downstairs, I was instantly reminded of who and what that would not be walking through them again. Ever.
At the kitchen island one morning, after having a casual conversation with my son about Father’s Day celebration this year, he said…
“I don’t know what it’s like to have a father, Mom.”
My heart stopped beating, or maybe I stopped breathing. I can’t remember now if you asked me. But I was washed away by a tsunami of emotions right there and then. I felt guilty, first of all, for not providing him with a father, or a father figure since we left his father. I used to think that my son’s uncles might be able to fill in; spend time with him growing up, play with him, teach him a thing or two. But I never asked any of my male siblings to do that, nor did I know how it could have worked.
My first response to my son was, “I’m sorry, sayang. I’m so sorry. I really am. It’s my fault.” I was sorry, I really was. What he said cut me deeply. The honesty was too much and yet it was perfectly enough for me to feel its truth. My son could not have put it in any other way. He just does not know what it is like to have a father. He hasn’t had one since he was four. It was as raw as it got — the statement, the feeling, the truth. He simply did not know what it was like to have a father. He had none. Pure and simple.
Edrick assured me it was not my fault because his father was still alive and kicking. Us leaving his father was my decision but the father not being in the kids’ life was purely his choice. Although I reminded Edrick that his father did put him through school until 2018, it was not really what he meant by “what it’s like to have a father”. Anyone could pay for his education, he said. But Dad never really wanted to be Dad other than that.
He wasn’t sad saying all this to me that morning, at our kitchen island. In fact, he was just stating the fact as facts appeared to him. This was his reality. He accepted it and he was just telling it. As it was. And these whole 13 years I never looked at my own kids going through life as fatherless. Never!
A while has it been since I really looked at love and knew what it was. And when the one I loved stomped on love like it was a finished cigar butt, love lost its light. And I… I lost its meaning. But then again, it was I who was looking at the wrong places, wrong faces.
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Now, love is when…
he runs to the kitchen to look at what I am cooking.
she takes time to say, “Smellin’ good Mom!” on her way to the phone, and even when she is on the phone.
he says, “Good night sweet Mommy!”
she looks at me with tears in her eyes and says, “I will never ever stop loving you, Mom.”
he thinks no one can ever smell better than me in the morning, at noon and night. Even at bedtime.
she knows every pair of earrings I have and where I got them.
he thinks I am the best Greensleeves singer in the universe.
she draws, sketches and composes songs about no one else but me.
he never misses the “I love you Mom! See you at 2 o’clock!” when I drop him off at school.
she leaves the home-made cards of “I miss you loads and toads, Mommy” when I have to be away.
he hands me a Kleenex when I sneeze, cry, sob and chop some onions.
she reminds me about the morning hugs before we get in the car.
they are the reason I wake up every day and sleep every night.
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The whole world can go tumbling down with its Jack and Jill.
I am at the top of the hill.
If I could ever ask anything from you… all I would ask is for you to take back all the hurtful things you said when love you had was no more for me. Only then would I ask Him to erase my memory of all the hurtful things you said when love you had was for someone else.
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And only then would I ask Him to restore my faith in love.
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Love?
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Whatever love is.
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“Ask. You shall be granted. But you shall be tested.”
Yang akan menjadi duri dalam hati saya nanti ialah ketidakupayaan saya untuk percaya… bahawa cinta itu ada. Bahawa hati saya ini nanti akan ada sandarannya bila letih berlari dari yang mungkir janji.
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Kerana yang telah menjadi duri dalam hati saya kini adalah cinta itu sendiri.
Questa è Enida 