Masih ternanti-nanti
bunyi
tapak kaki
Monchies
turun pagi-pagi
di tangga Mesra ini
memanggil, “Mommy!”
Dua puluh tujuh hari.
Enida
17 May 2026
Mesra Terrace
Posts Tagged ‘Love’
Bunyi Sunyi
Posted in Write On, tagged Monchies, Mom, Love, Single-Parenting, Empty Nest on May 17, 2026| Leave a Comment »
Adakah Kamu Terbilang Jua?
Posted in Write On, tagged Love, Mom, Parenting on May 15, 2026| Leave a Comment »
Banyak bilang perkara bilang,
bilang apa si tampuk manggis;
Banyak hilang perkara hilang,
hilang apa beresak tangis?
Dan Demi Pintu Ku Buka
Posted in Write On, tagged Life, Love, Monchies, Parenting on April 26, 2026| Leave a Comment »
Since 2010, the house rule was… to always keep the door behind us closed. So whenever we left our rooms, or went downstairs, all the doors on the third floor should be shut. Mine, the kids’ and the linen closet doors. The reason was the wind, initially. And when Cino came into the household, he was an add-on to the rule. All the more reason why the doors should remain closed. The wind and the moving bulu.
But April 20th 2026, these doors were left open. Cino had left the house a week earlier. And then Monchies followed suit. When I came home from the airport after midnight, I was too exhausted to notice. But the next morning, as I opened my door to go downstairs, I was instantly reminded of who and what that would not be walking through them again. Ever.
Things have changed since. And so will the rules.
What It’s Like
Posted in Write On, tagged Love, Mom, Parenting, Single-Parenting on January 27, 2024| Leave a Comment »
At the kitchen island one morning, after having a casual conversation with my son about Father’s Day celebration this year, he said…
“I don’t know what it’s like to have a father, Mom.”
My heart stopped beating, or maybe I stopped breathing. I can’t remember now if you asked me. But I was washed away by a tsunami of emotions right there and then. I felt guilty, first of all, for not providing him with a father, or a father figure since we left his father. I used to think that my son’s uncles might be able to fill in; spend time with him growing up, play with him, teach him a thing or two. But I never asked any of my male siblings to do that, nor did I know how it could have worked.
My first response to my son was, “I’m sorry, sayang. I’m so sorry. I really am. It’s my fault.” I was sorry, I really was. What he said cut me deeply. The honesty was too much and yet it was perfectly enough for me to feel its truth. My son could not have put it in any other way. He just does not know what it is like to have a father. He hasn’t had one since he was four. It was as raw as it got — the statement, the feeling, the truth. He simply did not know what it was like to have a father. He had none. Pure and simple.
Edrick assured me it was not my fault because his father was still alive and kicking. Us leaving his father was my decision but the father not being in the kids’ life was purely his choice. Although I reminded Edrick that his father did put him through school until 2018, it was not really what he meant by “what it’s like to have a father”. Anyone could pay for his education, he said. But Dad never really wanted to be Dad other than that.
He wasn’t sad saying all this to me that morning, at our kitchen island. In fact, he was just stating the fact as facts appeared to him. This was his reality. He accepted it and he was just telling it. As it was. And these whole 13 years I never looked at my own kids going through life as fatherless. Never!
Until then.
When Love Beckons
Posted in Monchies, tagged Love on February 21, 2011| 9 Comments »
A while has it been since I really looked at love and knew what it was. And when the one I loved stomped on love like it was a finished cigar butt, love lost its light. And I… I lost its meaning. But then again, it was I who was looking at the wrong places, wrong faces.
.
Now, love is when…
- he runs to the kitchen to look at what I am cooking.
- she takes time to say, “Smellin’ good Mom!” on her way to the phone, and even when she is on the phone.
- he says, “Good night sweet Mommy!”
- she looks at me with tears in her eyes and says, “I will never ever stop loving you, Mom.”
- he thinks no one can ever smell better than me in the morning, at noon and night. Even at bedtime.
- she knows every pair of earrings I have and where I got them.
- he thinks I am the best Greensleeves singer in the universe.
- she draws, sketches and composes songs about no one else but me.
- he never misses the “I love you Mom! See you at 2 o’clock!” when I drop him off at school.
- she leaves the home-made cards of “I miss you loads and toads, Mommy” when I have to be away.
- he hands me a Kleenex when I sneeze, cry, sob and chop some onions.
- she reminds me about the morning hugs before we get in the car.
- they are the reason I wake up every day and sleep every night.
.
.
The whole world can go tumbling down with its Jack and Jill.
I am at the top of the hill.
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Unhurt Me
Posted in Hurt, tagged Love on September 4, 2010| Leave a Comment »
If I could ever ask anything from you… all I would ask is for you to take back all the hurtful things you said when love you had was no more for me. Only then would I ask Him to erase my memory of all the hurtful things you said when love you had was for someone else.
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And only then would I ask Him to restore my faith in love.
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Love?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Whatever love is.
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“Ask. You shall be granted. But you shall be tested.”
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Hilang Berganti
Posted in Hurt, tagged Love on August 28, 2010| Leave a Comment »
Aku sayang padamu
dengan caraku.
Terlebih
tapi tak cukup.
Termampu
tapi tak sanggup.
Luka lama
kubawa berlari.
Sejauh ini
sejauh hati.
Patah tumbuh
hilang berganti.
Ganti.
Terdiam
Posted in Hurt, tagged Love on August 27, 2010| 2 Comments »
And the pain comes from the depth of my understanding…
bahawa aku hanya mampu menjadi diriku.
.
Tak Ada
Posted in Hurt, tagged Love on August 19, 2010| Leave a Comment »
Yang akan menjadi duri dalam hati saya nanti ialah ketidakupayaan saya untuk percaya… bahawa cinta itu ada. Bahawa hati saya ini nanti akan ada sandarannya bila letih berlari dari yang mungkir janji.
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Kerana yang telah menjadi duri dalam hati saya kini adalah cinta itu sendiri.
.
Lalu biarlah tak ada.
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Over and Out
Posted in Sense, tagged Love on June 30, 2010| 1 Comment »
Love has been a game played upon me and around me. If you think I am not aware of it, you obviously have taken me for a fool. Just like all the fools you’ve taken… for a price, for a ride or for free. You have said love to me and everybody else as though you knew what it meant.
.
Your game is over. And so is the party. It is time to put on the red shoes and dance the blues. But I am waltzing it far away from you… where love is the music, not the lyrics. It’s over and I’m out.
.
.
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Ketagih
Apa silapku
hingga kau menyalahkan.
Apa hakmu
hingga kau membatilkan.
Kesetiaan ini
bagimu hanya duri.
Kesihatan yang kau ubat dengan sakit
adalah kewarasan yang gila.
Pilihlah yang halal
selamat jalan atau selamat tinggal.
.
*Enida
September 24, 1997
Bangi Lama
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