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Posts Tagged ‘Single-Parenting’

When I read Masaru Emoto’s RICE EXPERIMENT not too long ago, I didn’t see any pictures on the internet. I didn’t look. As much as I believe in my ability to mentally picture a lot of things I read, I took the whole rice experiment with a grain of salt.

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But when I visited a friend whom I had not met for 20 years, who successfully runs an international school and who took me to her school lab not knowing if I was aware of Masaru Emoto’s experiment, what I saw humbled me to the core. I thought I had read it all. I thought I had seen it all.

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The rice in the jar with the ‘I Love You’ label looked good. The rice in the jar with the ‘I Hate You’ label looked horrible.  Yeah, it was almost a cliché. But there was another jar with worse than horrible looking rice in it. Unlabelled. And I learned from Zaliza that the rice was not given any attention at all. Not spoken to, not touched. Nothing. And strangely, all I could think of at that very point was the line from Agnes Monica’s song: “Tak dianggap sama sekali.”

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Rice Experiment

Credit to: smt.blog.com/mari_diary.

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Driving all the way home from the visit that day, the image of the worse-than-horrible-looking rice kept playing in my mind. And that image has kept me praying… that I shall keep speaking to my children for as long as I could talk. That I shall keep holding my children’s hands for as long as I could walk. That I shall keep embracing my children for as long as I could. That I shall never ever love them in silence.

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That I shall keep praying for Enida…

Teruskan lah, teruskan lah… kau begitu.

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Like usual, it is a long wait for Kitreena to be ready in the morning for breakfast. Today is our 4th attempt to go out for brekky. The three previous attempts, sad to report, have successfully failed.

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In Cucina Mesra this morning as I was working on the modules to be sent to IPDM, Edrick walked in, rubbing his tummy…

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Edrick: Mom, I’m hungry.IMG_5530
Mommy: Me too!
Edrick: Are we going somewhere for breakfast?
Mommy: We’re trying.
Edrick: What do you want to eat?
Mommy: I want to eat a HORSE!
Edrick: Yeah! I’ll have a horse too!
Mommy: I want the biggest one on the menu, okay!
Edrick: Okay Mom, I’ll have the second biggest one.

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I asked Edrick to have some MILO while waiting. He’s fine now and that mug of MILO has saved the second biggest horse on the menu.

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I Thought I Saw

We seldom go shopping for clothes, Monchies and I. Whatever we have that we can wear, we wear them ’til they wear out. And even when they are all worn out, some clothes that we really love are worn out ’til they are torn up. I’m still having a tough time trying to justify why I am in the clothing business, considering how much I do not like shopping for new clothes.

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But the kids are tired of wearing Airwings Merchandise tops, I can tell. So, after Christmas I took them shopping. Kitreena was in dire needs for some ‘girls’ stuff. It was the best time to shop for clothes when everybody else had already spent their mulah prior to Christmas. Malls were quiet and everything was on sale sale sale!

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We had a great time shopping, Monchies and I. So great and so rare, that we were still talking about it a week after. When I picked them up at school one sunny afternoon, Kitreena wished we could go do it again.

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Mommy: But you got everything you wanted, didn’t you?
Kitreena: Not everything.
Mommy: What else did you want?
Kitreena: I wanted Daddy.
Mommy: Huh? Uh… sorry sayang, I can’t help you.
Kitreena: Hehehe…
Mommy: Not for sale. Not on sale.
Edrick: But wait, Mom! I thought I saw him on the shelves.
Mommy: Saw what?
Edrick: Daddy! At RM58.99.
Kitreena: *silent*
Mommy: *silent*
Edrick: *all smiles*

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When I finally got the joke, I broke out in a ROAR of laughter that made Edrick laugh…

Edrick: I haven’t made you laugh this big for a long time, Mom!
Mommy: I know! I just didn’t see it coming!
Kitreena: *tries not to laugh*
Mommy: But why RM58.99 and not RM60.00.
Edrick: That’s after discount.
Mommy: *roars some more*

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Kitreena went quiet in the back seat, and I let her take it easy and take what Edrick said as a joke to lighten up our day. But I did tell her that sunny afternoon, no matter how much we had, some things were just unattainable by money. Some things that were supposedly easy and ready… were the very same things that were not meant to be.

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IMG_0328

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Abang Shadow

He was determined to finish his homework by nightfall. Got himself a piece of sugar paper from Mommy’s office downstairs after fighting his own fear to be down there alone. It has been quiet on the ground floor since Teddy’s passing.

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“I’m learning about shadow, Mom. I need to cut out a figure of any shape. And I need two of them.”

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IMG_0381

I helped him with the cat shape, of course, and assumed that the M was for Me, the Mommy. I wasn’t ready to hear, “No Mom, M is for Meow.” It was safer to assume, as rejection, even in a small matter like this, matters to mothers.

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It wasn’t long after that that he felt nauseous and had to run for the sink. He lost everything that he had taken today; lunch, the sandwich, the cucumber, the tomatoes, the apple snack, the lot. It all pickled down the drain. Oh my dear Little Big Man.

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IMG_0382

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I am sleeping in the living room tonight, with my eyes wide open, guarding my little Abang Sado, closer than his own shadow… one hand holding a barf bag, the other a roll of paper towels. Charcoal pills, check. Tiger balm, check. Love, check. Tenderness, check. Patience, check check!

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It has been a while since he last got ill. It was almost nostalgic tonight putting a diaper on Edrick, hosing down his soiled undies and mopping the floor after a projectile muntah. But he will be well soon. I know for sure.

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I am here.

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Menangguk di Ayer Keroh

Driving all the way home from Klebang Besar, Melaka, after sending items for a 6-day booth (event), I went through some thoughts. And some feelings too, honestly.

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Listening to the Monchies’ snore, I actually felt bad that I had to drag them with me on an over 300-kilometer journey like that on a week night. They brought their homework with them and they did try to work on it when we had a drink at a warung. Monchies slept almost all the way up because they were tired from school. And they slept all the way home, because it was simply bedtime.

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I felt bad, though… at some point, that life has taken us on this path. This having-to-pack-the-kids-wherever-I-go path that we’ve been on since Bibik left is sure taking some toll on Monchies’ time and energy. I felt bad that I have not been able to ask people for help in babysitting the kids, and that was because of my trust issue and my I-can-do-it-all syndrome.

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But then again, I would not have done it any other way. I am just an everyday girl, yes. With an everyday life, indeed. And this running-around-selling-tshirts business has put me where I belong, counting my blessings every day with my kids in my car, and in my arms, whenever and wherever I want.

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Ayer Keroh, Ayer Molek, or Ayer Jerneh, we are together. That’s all that matters. These little ones don’t stay little forever.

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Eee Boo!

Saya tak sambut Hari Ibu.
Kalau sambut pun mungkin hanya dengan meluangkan waktu dengan anak-anak tanpa menjawap telefon selama 12 jam. Atau mungkin melakukan aktiviti di luar rutin. Contohnya Hari Ibu tahun ini saya ke Cold Storage membeli barang dapur bersama Monchies, dan membiarkan mereka memilih makanan bukan-kampung (seperti makanan biasa emak mereka). Antara pilihan anak-anak ialah keju sampai 4 jenis, yoghurt, artichoke, sauerkraut, chorizo, bagel dan ciabatta. Saya dah terbiasa membeli barang dapur di Tesco Online, lupa selera anak-anak yang tak berapa nak hidup dengan gaya kampung saya ini. Anak-anak yang separuh sana, separuh sini.

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In reality, my Mother’s Day this year and the years before was just like any other given Saturday, Sunday or school holiday. It wasn’t so much about celebrating it at a special place with a special cake wishing a special wish. In fact, this year, on Mother’s Day, I sat my kids down for a little talk about rules and discipline. I couldn’t stop being a mother just because I was celebrated. Kitreena needed some serious nudge on punctuality, while Edrick needed some slap on the wrist on homework procrastination. And me, The Mommy, needed to improve our communication. Everybody seemed to be assuming everything these days. So, it was my duty to bring things back in order immediately. So what if it was the Mother’s Day?

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But knowing me yang bukan jenis membebel ni, all I could ask from Monchies was some understanding that I am struggling with this parenting position. It is an extremely tough job. One that I can’t quit (and won’t, even if I could), and it is one that I can’t take a leave from. This year, on Mother’s Day I ended up begging Monchies to help me make it easier by keeping time, as none of us could have that May 10th of 2015 back. No rerun either. There is no way I could put back the clock. As much as I enjoy parenting, I would really like my children to cooperate with me in keeping things in order. Time, especially.

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Today and this long weekend for some reason, it has felt like Mother’s Day all over again when I finally shut down my phone, ignoring many messages and taking no calls. Somehow, my ex-husband’s birthday recently and his absence in the kids’ life has made me realize that I have only been a mother to Monchies and that is not enough. I am now learning to be a better father by engaging in physical activities more than I ever did before.

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Wish me luck on the water slides tomorrow!

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My Balanced Two Wheels

Adelaide, 2007: Two kids, two wheels and now two worlds apart.

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Traveling always reminds us of our family trips pre July 2010. When we checked in at Santa Grand East Coast last Thursday, Edrick saw a family at the lobby and as he was waiting patiently, I noticed he was staring at the ‘dad’ of that family.

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In the room, after we settled in, I asked Edrick…

Mommy: Hey Monch, do you miss Daddy?
Edrick: *smiles at me and shrugs his shoulders*
Mommy: It’s okay if you miss Daddy, you know. I miss him too, sometimes.
Edrick: But it is all his fault. He doesn’t wanna be with us.
Mommy: Hey, it’s not his fault, sweetheart. It’s nobody’s fault.
Edrick: I know. I’m sorry.
Mommy: Things happened the way they had to happen.
Edrick: What do you mean?
Mommy: I left, and took you with me so he could be happier and I could be stronger.
Edrick: Mom, if anybody asks me how my Mom is… I’m gonna say she’s amazing!
Mommy: Oh, thank you! Amazing eh? *my heart melts or swells, I could not tell*
Edrick: Yeah! Because she can drive through 5 states and 2 countries in 3 hours!
Mommy: Oh wow me! That’s scary! Hahahahaha!

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My heart swelled and salt-water welled in my eyes. I would travel the world for a love like this. And what Edrick said made me think of a line from a song

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I believe in angels
something good in everything I see.
I believe in angels
when I know the time is right for me…

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So he could be happier and I, stronger...

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