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Archive for the ‘Inside Enida’ Category

Baby, You…

Posted in Inside Enida on March 20, 2012| 4 Comments »

Kiss someone good night even if he is already asleep..

After the good night kiss, I usually stay for a while, give him a rub on the forehead and watch him sleep like a baby.

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Hope Fool

Posted in Inside Enida, Sense on March 2, 2012| Leave a Comment »

It was the first time I heard of such concept, such belief. But it probably has a lot to do with the law of attraction. Bibik told me, where she comes from, the people believe that once a husband or a wife utters the hopelessness and the intention for a divorce, until divorce happens… life in the household is cursed by the utterance.

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I was taken aback for good five minutes to reflect on my present life — and my previous life. Ya, semua orang ada cerita lama. In a way, I was trying to recall if I ever mentioned the big D to B. (Yeah, and then X to make it to DBX in Dubai, huh? I am so lah derailed right now, it’s not even funny.) Anyway, the concept of “…fate that is governed by intention and words that we send out to the universe…” is right there!

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Perhaps that is why I have been extremely cautious with the words I use, though I am not from West Java. As much as I can… as a human, I try to be positive — thinking of positive possibilities, and using positive verbal and non-verbal languages. And in all that I think, do or say, perfection is not my goal. I can never be perfect. Because if I were perfect, God would ‘product-recall’ me from the shelves.

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With my good memory, I know for sure that I left with good thoughts and good words. Even now, call me a fool, but I am still full of hope. I still utter good words with the best of intentions. Because the best is yet to happen. The ending is a chapter in itself. Given time, I believe that we might walk the same paths with different feel. And that… my friend, is not a new concept. Nor it is from West Java.

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Siapa Lah Lagi

Posted in Inside Enida, Write On on February 27, 2012| 6 Comments »

Tiap-tiap hari saya menulis. Tapi tiap-tiap hari saya menekan ‘Save Draft’ dan tak sampai ke butang ‘Publish’. Macam tiap-tiap hari saya kenang orang-orang yang saya kenang. Tapi tiap-tiap hari saya mencari butang ‘Save Yourself’ untuk ditekan. Kalau bukan saya yang menjaga diri dan hati sendiri, siapa lah lagi?

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I do write, every day. And every day I ‘Save Draft’, not able to reach the ‘Publish’ button. Just like every day I think about the people I think about. But every day I look for the ‘Save Yourself’ button to click on. If I don’t take care of my self and my heart, who will?

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Faraway Star

Posted in Inside Enida, Monchies, tagged on February 17, 2012| 2 Comments »

  • Did you know that her sentences lately start with either “Mom, do you remember in Moscow…” or “Mom remember when we were in Calgary…”?
  • Did you know that she has been singing her own song with the chorus, “I want you to be there, I just wanna be happy and I don’t wanna have to wait anymore…”?
  • Did you know that she sings herself to nap in the car on the way home from school, and sings herself to sleep with the same lines from her own song every night? Yes, the chorus.
  • Did you know that she talks about how tall Cody’s dad is and wonders if you are actually taller?
  • Did you know that she still thinks that no one can make pancakes better than yours?
  • Did you know that she likes the smell of my apple pie because somehow it reminds her of you and Grandma’s kitchen?
  • Did you know that she teases her brother, “Mommy’s boy!” and knows the boy wouldn’t tease her “Daddy’s girl!” because you are not around?
  • Did you know that she thinks of you whenever she sees an accordion and recalls you playing your favorite Cielito Lindo?
  • Did you know that she remembers almost all your checkered shirts and their colors?
  • Did you know that she still likes squash that Grandma makes and your freshly baked multi-grain loaves?
  • Did you know that she wonders where exactly your new place is and if you have a bed for her if she comes visit?
  • Did you know that she had been practicing the Twinkle Twinkle Little Star song on the violin and was excited to perform to you last Christmas?
  • Did you know that she sometimes thinks of you as a star and wonders where you are?

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And every time she talks about you, her eyes twinkle.

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Thy Will Be Done

Posted in Inside Enida, Monchies, Sense on January 25, 2012| 1 Comment »

It took me over a year to finally realize that I am now on my own. In this little wagon I am driving, there is only one driver seat. Gone are the days when I was just sitting in the passenger seat trying to make myself useful, pretending to know where to go and how to get there. Though I never held a map upside down, my journey came to a U-turn that turned out to be an I-turn when I, Enida the Questa è Enida, took a different path. My path. 😉

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Now, nevertheless, that I am behind the steering wheel on my own, I still don’t know where to go and how to get there. But I am doing it as I go along… with Monchies in the back seat. As long as we are on this journey together, I don’t really have to know where exactly we are going and how exactly to get there. We’re getting there, wherever there is. As a matter of fact, sometimes I don’t mind at all if we are not going anywhere. There is where we are. There is here. We’re together.

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But then, I know… I have to be prepared for my own inability to hold on to the steering wheel for ever. Anything can happen. Anytime. Just like what my insurance agent said (that got me to sign up with a plan), “Planning, if you asked me, should have been done yesterday. If anything happens today, your tomorrow is covered.” And so… I am writing my will and instructions. And in the process, I have been awakened by some gentle reminders that at some point of time I have to let go of everything.

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So when I saw my best friend recently, we had a good conversation to confirm what I would put in my will and instructions in the case of my absence — sudden or eventual. It was a sad but quick chat on where Monchies should go if anything happens to me. I fear not death, for I have embraced the reality that I am dying from the day I was born. I don’t mind death. (Hidup itu jodohnya mati, as I said to Cik Nan.) But I mind dying if I can’t live the remaining time to my full capacity.

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If I were given half a year, it is probably worth all the headaches of getting our Russian visas back so that I can be in the house where Monchies can have their Dad. I take no sympathy from him. No. But I know the kindest thing for me to do is to be kind to the kids, and kinder to their Dad. And I know that’s all that matters to Monchies anyway. If Daddy wouldn’t drop anything in this world for them, I would. At the end of the day, I could say I had dropped anything and everything for them. Drop dead! 🙂

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And six months would be enough for me to write a book on how happy Monchies would be and I know for sure they will miss me.

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I am not trying to be hopeless or morbid now. For heaven’s sake, I want to live as long as I can! I have so many I-told-you-so‘s to say to Kitreena and I have not rolled my eyes enough at Edrick’s jokes. We still have those trips to take: Kitreena wants me to take up snowboarding in the Swiss Alps with her, and Edrick is flying me to Rio, Rio, Rio! So help me God. If I can have 20 years, I will take 20 years. Or 30, max. But of course I can live without the headaches of getting our Russian visas back.

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On that thought, please pray for me… that my repeat blood test results would not number my days with the love of my life — the two good people I am raising in my Mesra house.

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So Long…

Posted in Inside Enida on January 24, 2012| 1 Comment »

Do you know the feeling of wanting for something to come so badly,
waiting for so long, that when it finally comes…
you feel like running away?

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In my case, it never came.
I am still here.
But I wait no more.

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It’s All Write Now

Posted in Inside Enida, Write On on January 20, 2012| 1 Comment »

There are times when I feel like letting my guard down, sitting here pouring my heart out in as many words as I can write on this Questa è Enida blog, telling about everything that I have gone through, everything that has broken me to pieces, slices, chunks, granules and eventually to dust.

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But as I was finishing the previous sentence, I was struck hard by my own inability to answer my own question: Why? Words might not come easy, and juicy stories might sell. But mine are not cheap. I only have one life here.

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The wrongs…

Do I write about them or do I just right them?

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Sendelete

Posted in Inside Enida on December 24, 2011| 1 Comment »

Things are changing around me. So are people. And so am I. And because of that, I should not be holding on to the email draft I have kept in the folder renamed as ‘Wishful Thinking’. Not anymore. I should just send them out or delete them. Either way, I am not going to read them again. I am different now.

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Bigger Heart, Bitter Heart

Posted in Inside Enida on December 21, 2011| 1 Comment »

However incapacitated my thoughts are by my words, I am telling my truth. And you… you don’t know what lies can do to you until you’re wearing my shoes. I have big feet, but my heart is bigger. I have walked away, but I let you stay.

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Just When

Posted in Inside Enida, Mom on December 20, 2011| 2 Comments »

I felt so merajuk today that I Googled for my own old entries on my merajuk bouts. And I saw a pattern. I actually merajuk every December 20th. It has been three years of merajuk December 20th’s. The last happy December 20th I had was in 2008, when I surprised my Mom with a cake. She wasn’t all that surprised, I think. But she was the happiest I had seen. It was her 60th birthday. Her last.

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I still merajuk that Mom left too soon. She was my best listener who believed that no matter how harsh I had become, I was her refined treasured gem. I was her Intan. No matter how miserable I looked or sounded, I was her best sight and her favorite sound. I sang the best ‘Sayang Di Sayang’ — better than ten Kartina Dahari’s put together. To her.

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I merajuk so much because I have to spend the rest of my life finding love from someone who can take my beginning as well as my ending. Someone who can love me in between, and love me in the end when love itself ends. And in the depth of my rajuk, I got thinking… maybe it wasn’t Mom that I saw was the happiest on December 20th, 2008. It was me. And there’s no more.

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