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This Mind of Mine

March 18, 2009 by Enida

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On this eighteenth day of the third month I woke up determined to take a different look at the whole world. I still bite. But this rainy morning I was just happy to be silly, shaking my body to my Abang Ramlee’s Kwek Mambo and that “Wife you jugak cemburu jadi what will you do?” song. Kitreena didn’t join me shaking the body silly-ly. She just shook her head, rolled her eyes and (I think) wished for a different mom. She smiled, said nothing and pretended not to see me. But (I think) she was just happy I wasn’t roaring at her with the spelling practice I do with her every morning on the way to school. I had a good morning, mind you.

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Funny how things work with our mind eh, and how we can turn things around without touching or breaking anything. Just the other night I was driving Mom to Lil Sis’ place feeling so lost as Mom just sat there saying nothing for 47km. That’s the way she has been. She doesn’t say anything anymore. She answers questions, yes. Sometimes with whatever word or thought that crosses her mind. Aimg_3409nd I…I just don’t see her anymore. It’s simply killing me to bring myself to look at Mom. My mind is not able to turn my head around to look or see, it closes my eyes instead.

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But today I forgave myself for all the days I wasn’t able to retract my claws. And forgave myself for all that my mind wasn’t able to turn around. It took a lot to cross that border of a state called denial. After the Kwek Mambo and that “Wife you jugak cemburu jadi what will you do?” song, a rye bagel and cheddar, plus coffee and biscotti breakfast… I realized I am not a lion. I am just a purring kitty with a mind of her own.
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Roarrrrrrrr!
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Posted in Sense | 1 Comment »

This Mind Of Mine

March 18, 2009 by Enida

On this eighteenth day of the third month I woke up determined to take a different look at the whole world. I still bite. But this rainy morning I was just happy to be silly, shaking my body to my Abang Ramlee’s Kwek Mambo and that “Wife you jugak cemburu jadi what will you do?” song. Kitreena didn’t join me shaking the body silly-ly. She just shook her head, rolled her eyes and (I think) wished for a different mom. She smiled, said nothing and pretended not to see me. But (I think) she was just happy I wasn’t roaring at her with the spelling practice I do with her every morning on the way to school. I had a good morning, mind you.

Funny how things work with our mind eh, and how we can turn things around without touching or breaking anything. Just the other night I was driving Mom to Lil Sis’ place feeling so lost as Mom just sat there saying nothing for 47km. That’s the way she has been. She doesn’t say anything anymore. She answers questions, yes. Sometimes with whatever word or thought that crosses her mind. And I…I just don’t see her anymore. It’s simply killing me to bring myself to look at Mom. My mind is not able to turn my head around to look or see, it closes my eyes instead.

But today I forgave myself for all the days I wasn’t able to retract my claws. And forgave myself for all that my mind wasn’t able to turn around. It took a lot to cross that border of a state called denial. After the Kwek Mambo and that “Wife you jugak cemburu jadi what will you do?” song, a rye bagel and cheddar, plus coffee and biscotti breakfast…I realized I am not a lion. I am just a purring kitty with a mind of her own.

Roarrrrrrrr!

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So You Think You Think?

March 17, 2009 by Enida

thinkPeople think I think too much.
No, let me re-wordpress myself. People don’t think it. I do. I mean, I do think I think too much. The moment I open my eyes every morning and stop dreaming, I start thinking. But then, I honestly think that thinking too much is still way better than not thinking at all. Like most people, I think, do. Or don’t?

Today in particular, I had thoughts all the way…right from the the moment I stepped out to take Kitreena to school, through breakfast with Chin at Nasi Lemak Antarabangsat Bangsar, grocery shopping at Carrefour Alamanda, lunch with KaCher at Danau Golf Club, pick up Kitreena at school, off to the promised mall for an Art Attack with my art-attacker girl, order 1901 New York anjing panas supper for the kids and Bibik, and then share Jalan Kuching with half a million city-swellers (yes, swellers – not dwellers) at 20kmph taking me over an hour from Jalan Ampang to Segambut roundabout homebound.

If my thoughts  could be bluetoothed directly into a Word Document and then be printed out…you would see a book published fresh from my anterior naris by sunrise tomorrow. Good night thinking people, whoever you think you are.

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So You Think You Think?

March 17, 2009 by Enida

People think I think too much. No, let me re-wordpress myself. People don’t think it. I do. I mean, I do think I think too much. The moment I open my eyes every morning and stop dreaming, I start thinking. But then, I honestly think that thinking too much is still way better than not thinking at all. Like most people, I think, do. Or don’t?

 

 

Today in particular, I had thoughts all the way…right from the moment I stepped out to take Kitreena to school, through breakfast with Chin at Nasi Lemak Antarabangsat Bangsar, grocery shopping at Carrefour Alamanda, lunch with KaCher at Danau Golf Club, pick up Kitreena at school, off to the promised mall for an Art Attack with my art-attacker girl, order 1901 New York anjing panas supper for the kids and Bibik, and then share Jalan Kuching with half a million city-swellers (yes, swellers – not dwellers) at 20kmph taking me over an hour from Jalan Ampang to Segambut roundabout homebound.

 

 

If my thoughts could be bluetoothed directly into a Word Document and then be printed out…you would see a book published fresh from my anterior naris by sunrise tomorrow. Good night thinking people, whoever you think you are.

Posted in Sense | 3 Comments »

Losing Phase

March 17, 2009 by Enida

Dear Linda,
With heavy heart I read your email to Yahoo Group. With heavier heart I have been reading our friends’ notes to you. My inner voice yearns to reach out to you and say something wise to soothe you or to make your grieving for your father’s passing halfway easier. The thing is, I don’t know what to say. I wish I could go on and on saying something by not saying it. I don’t think I have to tell you to be strong either. You already are.

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And the truth is, my sister and I are now preparing ourselves to face a similar loss to what you just experienced. Our mother is slipping away, atrociously consumed by cancer of the blood. All I can tell myself is that…when the time comes, I hope I can be brave enough to say, “I am happy for Mom, for she has gone to a better place. “

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By the looks of it, you have been very brave.

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Heaved,
Enida

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Oh Bother!

March 16, 2009 by Enida

Oh Tuhanku mengapakah manusia begitu?

regret

 

Bagai disayat-sayat rasanya hati bila mengenang cakap-cakap orang yang tak kenal pun siapa saya in real life. Yes, I write my mind to free my caged thoughts – not to please readers who don’t even understand what they read.

 

If I am that goodfornothingbottomdwellerscumbag you loathe so much, why are you so bothered by what I write? Or is it your incapacitated mind you are so stressed out about and you wish no one had noticed? Innocence is not something you defend when not threatened. Over-defensiveness is a sign of concealed guilt.

 

Oh you poor fish you!

 

 

Posted in Write On | 2 Comments »

Ku Mohon

March 15, 2009 by Enida

Kalaulah tidur itu umpama jahitan yang terbertas,
patik ini selembar persalinan tuanku yang besar reraknya.
Mohon patik masuk beradu, tuanku.

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On Go Wings

March 14, 2009 by Enida

Looking at Enida in the mirror the other day, I got thinking…what else does she not have now?

Love?
She’s got love rolling down to her feet, curving around her fingers, and running through her hair, sitting across dinner table holding her hands, and on Saturday mornings making pancake breakfast from the heart. And more love…sitting on their booster seats in the back, playing Tunnel-Duck.

Money?
Of course is never enough to buy her the Coach or Gucci bag or a Beamer she never wants. She’s got roof over her head, unloaned. And that’s just what money can buy…be it here, or across the Southern Ocean. Over the years she has learned, that money is what she makes, she spends time spending, and she saves. But money will never make her, spend time with her, nor will it save her.

I looked at Enida the other day as she fell down to the ground thanking heavens for all that she does not have. She’s thankful for not having to carry the weight of the world not knowing why happiness is the only car she desires that never passes her street. She’s grateful for not having to untangle lies she ever told, for there is none she hides. She has made peace with her past.

Enida is just happy for having done what she has done, been what she has been – and not claiming to be a perfect untouchable immortal that she’s not. She has hurt and she has been hurt. She lets herself feel the pain at times. But she knows…the pain comes from what she’s growing on her back.

She just wants to be a butterfly in her next life.

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To Garb Her Naked Lies

March 13, 2009 by Enida

Very recently someone ran into my Hysteria-Lane life offering me a piece of information I wasn’t sure whether or not I needed or wanted to know. And I just realized that that’s the way it has been with my life. I have had people coming to me – out of the blue, out of thin air and out of breath – telling me what I needed or wanted to know without me looking for the information. Even when I’m not looking for anything, some facts are just meant to find their ways to my knowledge.

This time this someone who ran (or rather jogged, actually) into my life offered me some information concerning a person that I have regarded ‘as good as garbage’. Oi! I don’t regard many people that way. In fact, it’s just this one. Let’s just call this garbage Ms. Axe, shall we?

But…wait!
Perhaps I shall give it some time and thought before dumping the sensational information about this Ms. Axe on national television, shall I not? After all she is going through a very vulnerable stage at the moment, trying extremely hard to come up with that picture-perfect painting of her life. I should understand and be compassionate.

Oh yes, I understand, all right. And yes, I pity her. Pity that her life is built on piles of lies…it stinks. Well, I told you she is as good as garbage.

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Cryday

March 13, 2009 by Enida

Hey Hubby,
Kitreena came home very cranky today. It was all because Edrick was sitting (and sleeping) in the front seat (and on her booster seat too!) Both of them had a good nap though on the way back to Duta. I thought that was it – she was just tired. But as soon as we got home, Kitreena got upset again with everything! I nipped it in the bud and asked her to go change out of her uniform upstairs. The next thing I heard was her crying, coming down the stairs towards me, sitting at the dining table.

“I miss Daddy so much, Mom!”

That sure explained the cantankerousness.

Friday The 13th,
Wifey

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