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Archive for the ‘Hurt’ Category

Maybe Not

Posted in Hurt, Monchies, tagged on March 30, 2014| Leave a Comment »

The X-Ray image showed Kitreena’s spine developing scoliosis and Dr. Boden immediately put her on the 24 physiotherapy sessions with Leah. And that… was yesterday, March 26th, 2014. Tonight, after Pak Ngah last joget class, she asked me if I had told Daddy about her scoliosis. Yes, her scoliosis. She had a condition this time.

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Kitreena: Mom, have you told Daddy about my scoliosis?

Mommy: Yes, I have. I emailed Daddy last night.

Kitreena: So what did he say?

Mommy: He hasn’t said anything yet.

Kitreena: What do you mean he hasn’t said anything yet? Has he read your email?

Mommy: I don’t know sayang. I can’t tell until he responds to my email.

Kitreena: Maybe he doesn’t care.

Mommy: Nah, I think he hasn’t checked his emails.

Kitreena: Maybe he just doesn’t know what to say.

Mommy: Maybe he hasn’t read my email yet.

Kitreena: Maybe he thinks you told him because you wanted him to pay for the treatment.

Mommy: Nah, it’s not even an issue. I was just telling him about your condition.

Kitreena: So… yeah, maybe he doesn’t care.

Mommy: Maybe there’s something wrong with his email.

Kitreena: Maybe he just wants to keep quiet.

Mommy: Maybe he’s writing a reply right about now.

Kitreena: Mom… stop it! *looks away*

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I am running out of excuses and I have no more defenses. Let’s just watch Hope Floats for the 932nd time, shall we?

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Perhaps love...

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I Could Have Told You

Posted in Hurt, Sense on May 31, 2013| Leave a Comment »

Come to think of it, I don’t want to save the world anymore. It’s not because I’ve tried. And it’s not because I’m tired.

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But the world doesn’t want to be saved.

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Those at war for a piece of barren land would still want to go to war for the sake of fighting for a piece of barren land. Fighting gives them something to do. They have something to die for and the war is something to die at.

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Those who no longer love their loved ones stay in their marriage or relationship (or partnership or whatever name they give their ship…) for the sake of their marriage. They are there for the sake of being there. The marriage gives them something to be there for when they have nowhere else to be at.
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When I came home from the land far away, I set myself out to save the world. I believed I had a beautiful soul and the whole world was supposed to be the garden of eden. Three years into this mission, I was woken up by a familiar song…

You suffered for your sanity....

But I could have told you Vincent… this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.

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Seperti Tiada

Posted in Hurt, Songs on May 20, 2013| 2 Comments »

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Bila Ku Kenang Ku Renung…

Posted in Hurt, Sense on April 25, 2013| Leave a Comment »

Sekitar tahun dua ribu tujuh saya menghadirkan diri ke majlis pengkebumian seorang yang tidak saya kenali sewaktu hayatnya. Yang saya kenal cuma isteri yang ditinggalkannya. Pemergian yang tiba-tiba. Terlalu awal. Terlalu tidak sempat semuanya.

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Saya tidak ikut ke pusara. Cuma berbual-bisik perlahan di anjung rumah bersama teman-teman yang turut hadir memberikan kekuatan kepada isteri almarhum. Tiba-tiba saya disapa dengan agak keras oleh seorang teman lama. Beliau bertanya…

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“Engkau lama di tanah arab, kan?”

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Saya mengangguk tersenyum sambil memberikan isyarat lima jari dan menyebut ‘lima tahun’ tanpa suara. Ini bukan majlis nya untuk saya berbual mesra. Saya tidak bermaksud mencari perhatian semua telinga yang mendengar dengan hati yang diam dan muram.

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“Lima tahun kat sana, balik tak reti-reti nak tutup kepala?”

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Saya membetulkan selendang dan bermohon diri. Sedih saya pada yang Tuhan panggil, tambah sedih mengenang yang jahil.

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Hurt Heals?

Posted in Hurt on November 22, 2012| 1 Comment »

I thought for sure that at one point (or two, or three) in the recent years, I wrote these two words on my blog: “hurt heals“. Yeah, the two words together. Side by side. For sure! But when I did the Search for it, I kept getting…

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Not Found

Sorry, but you are looking for something that isn’t there.

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Maybe hurt just doesn’t heal.
And maybe I have been looking for something that isn’t there.

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Siri Bercakap Dengan Edrick XXXVI

Posted in Hurt, Monchies, tagged on September 11, 2012| 4 Comments »

Bedtime. Seven thirty. Tuesday night.

Edrick was hiding under the cover like usual, to scare me with his scariest peek-a-boo that was supposed to make me jump. I just waited for him to uncover himself, and that would ‘spoil’ his scaring attempt. Like usual. But he went too quiet, for far too long. So I played along, poked him on the tummy and said good night. He came out and…

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Edrick: Hi Mommm… *looks at Mommy with tears in his eyes*

Mommy: Heyyy sweetheaaart… what’s the maaatter?

Edrick: I know now what Daddy did to you Mommmm…

Mommy: Oh goodness baby, what did Daddy do to me?

Edrick: He xxxxx xxx xxxx xxxxx xxxxxx, but not with you.

Mommy: Ohhh sayang, bless your innocent soul! But it’s okay. I’m okay.

Edrick: So is Daddy done thinking yet?

Mommy: About what, Edrick?

Edrick: About what he needs most in his life?

Mommy: *sighs* I don’t know, sweetheart.

Edrick: Daddy definitely doesn’t need YOU!

Mommy: Ohhhh sayaaang. And that’s okay, you know.

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Edrick was saying the obvious, but it was sure a good reminder. He went to bed tonight with a blocked nose from crying so hard. And I am going to bed with a book and a clear mind. Who says I need to read between the lines?

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Back to Beg

Posted in Hurt, Monchies on September 10, 2012| 1 Comment »

What have I not told the longing hearts? When the truth doesn’t wipe any tears, I tell them lies. And when lies don’t make them smile, here I am, back to begging you… do say hello. Even if it is just a hello. Worry not, they don’t stay little very long. Soon they will know that the truth is whatever helps them go to sleep at night. Que sera sera.

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Si! Que sera sera.

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Pain Thing

Posted in Hurt on May 1, 2012| Leave a Comment »

No matter how much pain one can contain, it still spills. And you might think this pain is worse than the one you had last. That is just because we human being do not have a good memory of pain. Nothing is more painful than any pain you have to endure right now. Right this very moment.

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Just think of your pain this afternoon if you had any. That pain is gone. The one you’re having now is worse. Or just think of the hurtful words you heard last July. Even those words are on their way to Tamaulipas, Mexico, with your profound goodbye. You’re done with the last pain. You’re not with this one. This one in hand.

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But perhaps you should just relearn that old lesson. When pain doesn’t go away, it’s your turn to leave.

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Send me a postcard from Vladisvostok, will ya?

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Will Never Be

Posted in Hurt, Inside Enida on April 7, 2012| Leave a Comment »

“At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone or something, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It’s not like you’re giving up, and it’s not like you shouldn’t try. It’s just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What is truly yours would eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be.”

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Say It Isn’t So

Posted in Hurt, Monchies, tagged on January 18, 2012| 5 Comments »

It was Tuesday, twenty-three days after Christmas. I picked her up at school and while waiting for her brother who was having his guitar class, I told her that she was to Skype with Daddy on Wednesday. She looked surprised. For a few seconds she just stared at me with that searching look in her eyes. No words came from her mouth. Then she turned away.

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She covered her eyes with the back of her hand and I knew what was coming. Her right shoulder was shaking lightly to my touch. It was that silent cry that broke my heart to the finest pieces. She had nothing to say. All had been said the night she woke up crying when I kissed her in her sleep. She misses him. That’s all there is to it. What else? If it now comes down to me having to make an appointment for the kids to speak to their father, words sure don’t come easy.

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