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All this tough look and hurtful words and the “whatever” attitude are just my way of protecting my heart. And I have been lying to myself. The pain is overwhelming and I don’t know how to reach out. I have been trying to patch this damaged Enida doing everything I can. Looking everywhere possible for the one hand to take mine, and for the one voice to tell me I am all right.
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But all I am is… nowhere. And all I have is… no one.
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Posted in Hurt | 2 Comments »
Edrick: Mommy can I call Daddy from your electric phone?
Mommy: No sweetheart.
Edrick: Why not?
Mommy: You just Skyped with him yesterday. Maybe he’s busy today.
Edrick: But Mommy, if he knows it’s me, he won’t be busy. He’ll talk to me.
Mommy: I’m sure he will Monch. But he’s at work. Let’s wait til Saturday, ok?
Edrick: *is upset* I wish when Adam grows up he will marry you!
Mommy: Adam? You mean, Adam your best friend at school?
Edrick: Yes. He will be an adult. I wish he would marry you and love you for 200 days!
Mommy: But I want someone who can love me longer than 200 days.
Edrick: How long did Daddy love you Mommy?
Mommy: Uhh… 12 years.
Edrick: 12 yeeeaaarrrsss? That’s very long!
Mommy: Yeah! Too long for him.
Edrick: Don’t worry Mommy, I will love you for 200 days and 200 years.
Mommy: Oh thank you, sweetheart! *feels safe now and thinks, ‘Who needs Adam, eh?’*
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Posted in Monchies | Tagged Parenting | 2 Comments »
Yes, I have.
I have, in all my waking hours, been reminding myself that love, in any form, is the best defense against loneliness. Yes, I have. But the trouble is, I don’t trust Enida. I don’t trust if she could ever pick herself up again if she is let down. Again. There shouldn’t be any again, again. I am shutting everyone out, out of fear of being hurt.
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I am, in all my humbleness… scared.
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Posted in Hurt, Inside Enida | 2 Comments »
Saying goodnight is getting more and more challenging these days with Kitreena. While I do enjoy the bed-talk, the cuddles, the giggles and the many thought-provoking topics, I shouldn’t be entertaining half of her theories, really! And at bedtime the other night, out of nowhere…
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Kitreena: Mom, could you please have another baby?
Mommy: *chokes on her reply* Another what?
Kitreena: Another baby. And a baby girl please. I want a baby sister.
Mommy: Where did this come from?
Kitreena: Mommm please, it would be really nice if there’s a baby in the house.
Mommy: *is still very much flabbergasted* But I can’t have a baby without a husband.
Kitreena: Why not?
Mommy: Because a woman needs a man to get a baby.
Kitreena: You mean you need a husband to get pregnant?
Mommy: Uh, yeah!
Kitreena: I don’t get it. But the baby is going to be in your tummy.
Mommy: Yes, it is. But my tummy needs a husband to make it pregnant. *tries not to be too explicit to an eight-year old*
Kitreena: Ohhhhh! Is that why people get married? To get babies?
Mommy: Well, not all. But mostly. Yes.
Kitreena: Hmmm… since Daddy doesn’t want to be your husband anymore, you have to get a new husband, Mom.
Mommy: Well, maybe I don’t want a new husband.
Kitreena: But how are you going to get another baby then?
Mommy: Maybe I don’t want another baby.
Kitreena: Mommy, please?
Mommy: It’s not as easy as getting a fish at the market you know. Besides, who would want to be my husband.
Kitreena: *smiles very widely*
Mommy: Oh come on now baby, it’s bedtime. Good night! *tries not to smile*
Kitreena: But Mommm, I really do want a baby sister. *pouts*
Mommy: I’ll go fishing tomorrow then. Good night Monchhh!
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Posted in Monchies | Tagged Parenting | 1 Comment »
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It was the autumn of the year;
The strawberry-leaves were red and sere;
October’s airs were fresh and chill,
When, pausing on the windy hill,
The hill that overlooks the sea,
You talked confidingly to me, –
Me whom your keen, artistic sight
Has not yet learned to read aright,
Since I have veiled my heart from you,
And loved you better than you knew.
.
You told me of your toilsome past;
The tardy honors won at last,
The trials borne, the conquests gained,
The longed-for boon of Fame attained;
I knew that every victory
But lifted you away from me,
That every step of high emprise
But left me lowlier in your eyes;
I watched the distance as it grew,
And loved you better than you knew.
.
You did not see the bitter trace
Of anguish sweep across my face;
You did not hear my proud heart beat,
Heavy and slow, beneath your feet;
You thought of triumphs still unwon,
Of glorious deeds as yet undone;
And I, the while you talked to me,
I watched the gulls float lonesomely,
Till lost amid the hungry blue,
And loved you better than you knew.
.
You walk the sunny side of fate;
The wise world smiles, and calls you great;
The golden fruitage of success
Drops at your feet in plenteousness;
And you have blessings manifold: –
Renown and power and friends and gold, –
They build a wall between us twain,
Which may not be thrown down again,
Alas! for I, the long years through,
Have loved you better than you knew.
.
Your life’s proud aim, your art’s high truth,
Have kept the promise of your youth;
And while you won the crown, which now
Breaks into bloom upon your brow,
My soul cried strongly out to you
Across the ocean’s yearning blue,
While, unremembered and afar,
I watched you, as I watch a star
Through darkness struggling into view,
And loved you better than you knew.
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I used to dream in all these years
Of patient faith and silent tears,
That Love’s strong hand would put aside
The barriers of place and pride,
Would reach the pathless darkness through,
And draw me softly up to you;
But that is past. If you should stray
Beside my grave, some future day,
Perchance the violets o’er my dust
Will half betray their buried trust,
And say, their blue eyes full of dew,
“She loved you better than you knew.”
.
Elizabeth Akers [1832-1911]
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Enida says:
For the next fifty years of our life, Happy Tenth Anniversary. Here’s a toast to your success! You did it all by yourself. Congratulations! It takes a lot of courage, I bet, to deny all that others have done for you. You can keep your Thank You’s, and the praises too. Life might not be fair. But God is. And lucky, you don’t believe in any. So here’s another toast to you, for your future that has no past.
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Posted in Inside Enida, Poetry | Leave a Comment »
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