Let’s admit it. The English language does not teach us the best expression to give or say when hearing bad news such as deaths, divorces, injuries, accidents, and yeah please feel free to lengthen the list. SORRY is probably the most versatile one-size-fits-all word that most people use and over-use much more often than we should. Really.
I don’t blame you when you said, “Sorry to hear about your Mom’s passing, Enida.” In fact, I would’ve said the same thing to you. Or to Enida. I have said the same thing to many friends on their Mom’s, Dad’s, sibling’s, cat’s, and iguana’s passing. The thing is, I have a bigger expression problem. How do I react to that “Sorry”?
Do I say:
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“Ah, it’s okay.”
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“Thank you.”
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“Don’t be sorry.”
Or do I keep on doing what I have been doing. Joking about the expression:
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“Sorry? What are you sorry for? Did you do anything I shouldn’t know?”
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“Aaah that’s okay. There was nothing you could’ve done to save her anyway.”
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“Don’t be sorry. Of all the people, I should be sorry. I was there and I didn’t do anything.”
Oh yeah, I am harsh. Kasar bunyinya, isn’t it? But I mean, really… I kinda know how to react to condolences. I say thank you. But when people say sorry to hear that my Mom has passed away, the two languages I speak have failed me of appropriate and meaningful responses.
First of all, if your Mom passes away… I don’t think ‘sorry’ is how I really feel. I am probably able to feel your sorrow because I am now feeling it. Since my Mom returned to her beloved Creator 15 days ago, I think I can relate very well. Unfortunately, “Sorry” – sorry to say – is not sorrow.
I am known, therefore, to have said it all by hugs, or the touch of my hand, and the “Awwww…” expression on my face. I believe these actions would say it better than any words. Sorry included.
Secondly, I wouldn’t say sorry just because that’s what our father did, and his father before him, and his father’s father before him did. Can’t we evolve the language’s forms and functions a little bit here? Hello, the year is 2009! Does sorry seem to be the hardest word still?
When I am not there to hug, touch and make faces, I am known to plagiarize quote sayings in greeting cards for condolences. Worse comes to worst wordwise, I would just say, “God knows best, luv.” I am also known to usually say nothing at all. People can think I don’t care that their Moms, Dads, siblings, cats and iguanas have passed on. But I am better off saying nothing than saying sore sorries that I don’t mean or don’t know the meaning of, am I not?
Now now, don’t you go berkecil hati with me turning your face away now thinking that I am judging you by what you said! You meant well when you said, “I am sorry to hear about your Mom’s passing, Enida.” I know you. I know you well.
Of all that I am sorry for, I am sorry that our language is not equipped with, and thus, does not let us say how we truly feel. It’s not your fault that English is not a perfect language. You didn’t invent it. Neither did you invent Bahasa Malaysia. No, you’re not that great old.
I know you are not sorry that my Mom is in a better place. I’m not. I am only sorry that she won’t get to see me turning 60 and counting my black hairs. Yes, I am going to be a Flat White by the time I’m 40. A latte gal that I am. I am only sorry that Mom won’t be there to see my first farmhouse on the Prairie land just like the one she used to see on the Little House on The Prairie show. I was her brown Melissa Gilbert back then.
I know you’re not sorry that my Mom is closer to God in heaven now and watching over me with a smile. Kitreena is ever so envious that Grandma now has wings and has been granted her wishes to fly. I am only sorry that I would have no ‘reference point’ to get back at my daughter. 🙂 Mom used to tell Kitreena stories about me when I was Kitreena’s age. My stories have ended at six and a half. Mom took the stories with her. Along with many many many other stories.
That… I am sorry for.
Those who are not able to come due to pre-planned activities, residing 1622km away from Kuala Lumpur, across the Tebrau Straits, Melaka Straits and New Straits Times and also 4100 meters above the sea level, or those who have lent their GPS or Navi Map to someone and cannot find Jalan Duta, and those who just cannot make it because they are on diet and food is the last thing on their mind… uh, no worries. I am organizing another Potluck Project on June 26th, 2010 at the same venue. Coming meh?
I woke up yesterday morning with a heavy feeling. So heavy, that I went straight downstairs, washed my hands, lit a candle for my Mom, grabbed whatever leftovers I could grab for Kitreena’s lunchbox and pretended that it was going to be another great day. It was for sure a great day for Kitreena – Daddy walked her to school, cool! Of course she went on her two wheels, helmet on and all, looking more and more like a sophomore than a lil kindy, that angel babygirl of mine.
Questa è Enida 