Posted in Hurt, Inside Enida on January 25, 2011| 2 Comments »
Yes, I have.
I have, in all my waking hours, been reminding myself that love, in any form, is the best defense against loneliness. Yes, I have. But the trouble is, I don’t trust Enida. I don’t trust if she could ever pick herself up again if she is let down. Again. There shouldn’t be any again, again. I am shutting everyone out, out of fear of being hurt.
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I am, in all my humbleness… scared.
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Posted in Inside Enida, Poetry on January 21, 2011| Leave a Comment »
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It was the autumn of the year;
The strawberry-leaves were red and sere;
October’s airs were fresh and chill,
When, pausing on the windy hill,
The hill that overlooks the sea,
You talked confidingly to me, –
Me whom your keen, artistic sight
Has not yet learned to read aright,
Since I have veiled my heart from you,
And loved you better than you knew.
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You told me of your toilsome past;
The tardy honors won at last,
The trials borne, the conquests gained,
The longed-for boon of Fame attained;
I knew that every victory
But lifted you away from me,
That every step of high emprise
But left me lowlier in your eyes;
I watched the distance as it grew,
And loved you better than you knew.
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You did not see the bitter trace
Of anguish sweep across my face;
You did not hear my proud heart beat,
Heavy and slow, beneath your feet;
You thought of triumphs still unwon,
Of glorious deeds as yet undone;
And I, the while you talked to me,
I watched the gulls float lonesomely,
Till lost amid the hungry blue,
And loved you better than you knew.
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You walk the sunny side of fate;
The wise world smiles, and calls you great;
The golden fruitage of success
Drops at your feet in plenteousness;
And you have blessings manifold: –
Renown and power and friends and gold, –
They build a wall between us twain,
Which may not be thrown down again,
Alas! for I, the long years through,
Have loved you better than you knew.
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Your life’s proud aim, your art’s high truth,
Have kept the promise of your youth;
And while you won the crown, which now
Breaks into bloom upon your brow,
My soul cried strongly out to you
Across the ocean’s yearning blue,
While, unremembered and afar,
I watched you, as I watch a star
Through darkness struggling into view,
And loved you better than you knew.
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I used to dream in all these years
Of patient faith and silent tears,
That Love’s strong hand would put aside
The barriers of place and pride,
Would reach the pathless darkness through,
And draw me softly up to you;
But that is past. If you should stray
Beside my grave, some future day,
Perchance the violets o’er my dust
Will half betray their buried trust,
And say, their blue eyes full of dew,
“She loved you better than you knew.”
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Elizabeth Akers [1832-1911]
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Enida says:
For the next fifty years of our life, Happy Tenth Anniversary. Here’s a toast to your success! You did it all by yourself. Congratulations! It takes a lot of courage, I bet, to deny all that others have done for you. You can keep your Thank You’s, and the praises too. Life might not be fair. But God is. And lucky, you don’t believe in any. So here’s another toast to you, for your future that has no past.
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Posted in Inside Enida on January 12, 2011| Leave a Comment »
The idea for a very serious entry was steamingly brewing when I was in the shower. Well, what doesn’t steam and brew in the shower for me anyway. That’s where I sing, that’s where I think. And that’s where I do my crying.
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So yeah, the idea for a very serious entry was brewing steamingly hot when I was having my evening shower just now. But that idea, and that entry will have to wait another day.
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I just remembered that I need at least 5 hours of good sleep before I get to do it. And I am going to do it in the morning, the very first thing in the morning after getting Monchies ready for school, and after taking Monchies to school. Yeah, the very first thing in the morning after being a mom.
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So hold me in your dreams in heaven tonight, Mom.
For I am going to do it all for you.
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It is Wednesday.
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And I miss you.
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Posted in Inside Enida, Nostalgia on January 7, 2011| Leave a Comment »
In my younger years, I spent a lot of time alone. Looking at paintings. At Balai Seni Lukis Negara. It was just a few steps away from the central KTMB (train) station, then. I would usually start with the painters’ corner at the Central Market, down to the walk-through gallery at Dayabumi and on to the National Art Gallery. All by myself. All day long. In the weekends.
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I didn’t have many friends back in uni. Even good friends then thought I was too artsy-fartsy to be spending hours looking at painted canvasses. I still don’t have many friends now. But I am proud now to admit that I am still that artsy-fartsy Enida.
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Over the years I have also fallen in love with skin-staining art.
These two pieces by Wahyu Srikaryadi (2009) are simply brilliant!
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I’ll let your eyes speak to your mind now.
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Steady Equilibrium I
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Steady Equilibrium II
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Posted in Inside Enida on January 4, 2011| 1 Comment »
I was fastening the cuffs of my shirt the other day when I had this near-morbid thought. I was imagining and asking myself… if I were to lose a hand, how would I get by? So I first tried fastening the cuffs of my Eddie Bauer shirt with one hand, lips, teeth and even my chin. Oh yeah, my chin would sure come in handy if I were one hand less.
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Happy to report, I was successful in fastening the cuffs of my shirt. But it was, I must admit, the farthest end of easy. In fact, it was not easy at all. And in all honesty, I actually cheated. 🙂 Since in my imagination I was missing the right hand (to make it harder since I am right-handed), I fastened the right cuff with my left hand. But to fasten the left cuff, I took off the shirt, fastened the cuff and put the shirt back on!
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And then when the shirt was on, I buttoned it up with my left hand, no problem. It was slow, but I did it. I was all sweaty, but with confidence I put my shirt on single-handedly. And I knew for sure, if I were to lose an arm for whatever reason, I could still don a shirt with cuffs and perhaps cufflinks.
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The only downside of having just one hand, I imagined, was that I would have to wake up earlier than usual. As every single thing would take twice as long to accomplish, I could see that I would probably experience sleep deprivation. But that was not too mind-boggling to overcome. I should be okay being Enida The One Un-Armed Woman. I was grinning with the I-be-rite-mate grin.
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It was when I had that satisfactory sneer on my face that Monchies came rushing into my room for their morning hugs. And it was then, when I was hugging them tightly with both arms, that my grin faded away. I suddenly realized that I have never in my life thanked God for giving me two good hands. How dare I imagined living with only one! Ungrateful little Enida!
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As soon as me Monchies had enough of my smothering and my smoochering, I locked myself in my room to throw all my pride and worries away, to put my hands up, to break down, to cry and to pray. In my humility, all I could ask Him then was…
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Tuhan, jaga lah tanganku ini.
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Glossary for Neil:
Tuhan = God
jaga lah = please protect/please save
tanganku = my hands
ini = this/these/here
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Posted in Inside Enida on December 29, 2010| 6 Comments »
This Enida, on this day, has only this to say…
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Selamat ulangtahun, sayang.
Happy birthday, love.
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Yes, I sayang myself. The best gift I can ever give myself is my love, above all loves. And since life is short, I am now gone to love this Enida on this day.
It’s my day.
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I’ll see you in the morning, sunshine!
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Posted in Inside Enida on December 27, 2010| Leave a Comment »
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don’t you quit.Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don’t give up though the pace seems slow–
You may succeed with another blow.Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up,
When he might have captured the victor’s cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.Success is failure turned inside out–
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit–
It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit.– Author unknown
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I ain’t no quitter. Nah, not me. I am just tired of unkindness. You know, things people do when they fall out of love. Like they raise their voice to all questions that sound like criticism to their unloving ears. Like they look at your face the way they look at beggars. Like they won’t let you touch them for the fear of you giving them diseases. Like they want to have nothing to do with you. And like they have never loved you anyway. Like twelve years of marriage had brought nothing good at all.
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They forget. And I am tired of reminding myself that it is not worth it. Yes I do feel like I am hit the hardest at the moment. Tapi saya ini Intan, dia kaca.
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I am just gone polishing.
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Posted in Inside Enida on December 22, 2010| 2 Comments »
In all my strength, there is one thing I am not built for. I have no ability to hate. I wish I could. And if I could, I wish I could hate and be hurtful. And if I could hate, I wish I could use the ugliest language ever spoken on earth – complete with the spitting and the snorting, if there is such a language. Mind you, I am very linguistic!
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But I am just not built nor made to hate. Not that way. And all the worldly languages would fail me when I am hurt or when I am even thinking of having an intention to hate. I have the tendency to think before I hate. There is no such thing as after I hate, either. Because I have never been able to go all the way to the starting point of hating. Hating finishes before it begins.
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Life is short. Hating does not just shorten it. It kills the heart. But as heartless as I would like to think I am… I am very much alive.
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Posted in Inside Enida, Nostalgia on December 18, 2010| Leave a Comment »
Long has it been since I had my last bite of jackfruit. Very long. I was probably only Kitreena’s age then. But it was all because of merajuk. I wanted the last piece. That was all that was left anyway. And I hadn’t had any. I was busy doing dishes. Yes, I started doing dishes years before I turned eight.
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So, I wanted that last piece of jackfruit. But all that was returned to the kitchen was an empty plate. I cried! I cried like it was going to be the last jackfruit ever existed on earth. Ever. Berhabis hati saya merajuk. And I never touched any jackfruit ever since.
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It must have been almost 30 years. Until tonight. Tonight, December 18th, 2010, a Saturday night, I just had my first bite of jackfruit after all these years.
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I have changed.
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And I… merajuk no more.
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Posted in Inside Enida, Poetry on December 16, 2010| 5 Comments »
Tunggu lah sekejap.
Sampai jiwa saya ini hilang lembutnya.
Sampai hati saya ini datang seriknya.
Sampai senyum saya ini kurang manisnya.
Sampai suara saya ini pudar merdunya.
Dan sampai diri saya ini tiada mahunya.
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Saya ini irama yang hilang lagunya.
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*Enida
Mesra Terrace
December 16, 2010
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