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Archive for the ‘Mom’ Category

Tak Tunggu

Tak menanti 7 Oktober.
Kalaulah boleh dilupa-lupa, saya biarkan saja.
Tapi bila saya mandikan Mak pagi tadi, saya rasa nak menangis satu hari.

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Like A Prayer

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Monchies went to bed at seven and I was left with some porridge for supper. Alone. The house was like the quietest little pocket in the middle of Ngilgi Cave I have once been to and sat in. In this deafening silence though, I got thinking about silence.

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My Mom once or maybe twice told me that love, just like a prayer, has to be said in silence to be granted. Love comes to us only when we are rid off the noises of needing, of wanting, and of giving, hoping for fair returns. I never once believed her.

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Until love came to me in silence.

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And Mom, in all her patience, tried to convince me that pain has to be dealt with in silence as well. I saw her dealing with pain quietly, determined that a loud cry would make it hurt even more and would cease all credibilities of the excruciation of pain. I was busy carrying my cross, then, that I shared not her faith.

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Until pain came to me in silence.

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I don’t want to admit that Mom was right. But if she really has to know, the next time when she peeks at me through the clouds above, she shall see me sitting in silence. Smiling. My prayers have been granted and my pain has been dealt with. I have come back to love Enida.

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A lot has happened in July. A lot more can happen in August.
(Okay, okay… thanks Mom. I believe you now.)

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For many months that have become years now, I have not been able to listen to, sing or even hum this song to its final stanza. But today I could not resist the fight. I have been misunderstood, I have been misread and I have been misheard. So I got up and sang this to myself. After three attempts and still with heaved heart, this is for those who have made my life worth sailing. And those who have made this song worth singing. To the last line…

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Sayang Disayang

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Angin menderu dahan jatuh
Menimpa batu kuburan

Murai terkejut berkicau-kicauan
Langit mendung diliputi awan
Alamat bumi disirami hujan
Sayang di sayang

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Hatiku rindu orang jauh
Tak lupa dari kenangan

Fikiran kusut merisau-risauan
Sakit untung ditinggalkan Abang
Ibarat kapal tidak berhaluan
Sayang di sayang

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Please click on the song title or my picture to be brought to my voice recording.

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Until Then…

I’ve learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.


The last time I saw her, she was smiling. Too tired to sit up. Too weak to wave me goodbye ’til I was out of her sight like she always did. Always. And the last thing I did to her was feeding her mee goreng for breakfast. Dad’s cooking. Her favorite.

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The last song I sang to her was ‘Sayang Di Sayang’. I never really got to the last line. I always ended up hiding my face in her hand crying like a little girl. But I was the last to trim her fingernails, if that would be any consolation. I held her hands like no other hands I had held before. I knew I was losing her grip.

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The last words I said to her were, “I will be right back.”.

It was her who never came back.

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Bella Belly

The conversation took place at my late Mom’s place between myself and Kitreena, me Monchie Lady, as I was pulling my shirt up to draw my pants’ string tighter. And in the process, I unintentionally exposed my belly.

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Kitreena: Mom, your tummy is flat but why is your belly button big?

Mommy: Because I was meant to be married to someone from a far-away land.

Kitreena: Huh? What do you mean?

Mommy: Well, that’s what my Mom would have said. Girls with a big and deep belly button will marry someone from far away.

Kitreena: I don’t understand.

Mommy: Don’t worry. Nobody ever does. And in my case, my belly button is big because you stayed in my tummy for nine months. Edrick too. You didn’t just stay there, you grew there. You can’t expect my belly button to stay small, can you?

Kitreena: Sorry Mom.

Mommy: Oh don’t be sorry. I love my belly button. Big, deep and holy.

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Sayang

She was probably the only person in my life so far who called me Sayang and meant it. Everytime. Who sayang me everytime I called her on the phone and everytime I was too busy to do so.

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Who always looked happy to see me and who would be the last one standing waving goodbye when I left. Who would greet me with smiles even when the only thing I had on my face was tears.

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Who asked me to sing Sayang Disayang when all I felt like doing was to weep, knowing I wasn’t going to have enough of her love. She was my biggest fan who loved me more than I will ever love myself. She loved me with everything she had and she never took anything back.

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Anything.

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Not even the Sayang.

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Maybe I

Maybe I didn’t believe that Mom was watching over me from heaven. I have been longing for her touch so much… that I merajuk in a way. Yes, I merajuk a lot these days with so many people. I merajuk with the whole world, if the whole world cares. But for now, I would only admit that I merajuk with Mom for going too soon.

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Maybe I didn’t believe that Mom was watching over me from heaven. So today God shed some light on me. And I saw it in the eyes of Mr. Traffic Policeman who stopped me for going 25km over the speed limit near the Penchala Link! He was speaking very politely and giving me a very gentle reminder to slow down a notch. He even asked me to “Take care tau!” If he wasn’t wearing those RayBan, I swear he actually winked at me. Oh Enida!

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Maybe I didn’t believe that Mom was watching over me from heaven. Until He gave me someone who spoke to me so tenderly just as though I was hearing Mom in the gentle voice calling me Sayang all the way. There were times today when I felt like running into the loving arms just to be me, that scared little me. But the strength in Mom was in me.

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Maybe I didn’t believe that Mom was watching over me from heaven. Until I feel her presence in every empty space in my heart, sitting with my two children… one on her left and one on her right.

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Happy Birthday Mom. You would have been 62 today. I missed you yesterday just as much as I miss you today, and just the way that I will tomorrow.

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Dalam semua esok, kita ada semalam.
In all tomorrows, we have yesterdays.

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For You

For if only you could see me now, you would move my hands away from my face, wipe the tears away from my eyes, and take the pain away from my heart.

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For if you could hold me in your arms tonight, your heart would break too. For me.

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Lah Biaso

Anak urang Sabu Andaleh,
singgah karumah si Sutan Mudo;
Bia abih bialah tandeh,
hati den kanai kabaa juo.

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Urang Padang mandi ka gurun,
mandi basiram bungo lado;
Hari patang matoari turun,
dagang baurai aia mato.

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Nan bak pasan mandeh denai ko… “Usah takuik jo ombak gadang. Riak nan tanang lai kan mambaok karam. Bia lah luko dek sembilu, cegak di ubek nan jo piladang. Kato malereng bisonyo tajam.”

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Lah biaso tatusuak duri, lah lamo bagadang ati, kok kunun lah jauh badagang diri. Samantang pun baitu, lah pai mandeh basuo nan Kuaso, denai ko kanang jo pasan mandeh. Cukuik sadonyo mangubek sansai badan, buek palapeh ati. Bia ruruik manangguangkan, paubek sakik mambuang sadu. Sampai basuo lai, mandeh. Lah biaso manahan tangih.

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*Adat urang maminjam jo manyabuik tando batimo kasiah, sungguah pun sakada pantun. Mangko pantun nan duo rangkap datangnyo dari ma lai jikok indak dari lagu lamo.

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Mata Hati

Besok pagi saya akan menggagahkan hati untuk ke hospital di mana emak saya dirawat, lama sebelum keberangkatan beliau bertemu Pencipta. Agak banyak juga bekalan lampin pakai-buang dewasa yang tersisa. Hendaknya menjadi sekelumit bantuan di Wad 4 Lantai 6 hospital tersebut yang kafeterianya berdinding ungu.

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Hati saya yang kurang gagah ini sebenarnya bimbang. Kalau-kalau ada yang lebih tidak gagah. Seperti mata saya yang bundar ini. Maka entry ini adalah sebagai Peringatan Lembut supaya saya besok jangan memakai mascara. Kalau pakai juga, nescaya jenama Revlon tidak akan mengambil saya menjadi duta mascara mereka. Malah mengeluarkan bi-product berjenama Raccoon.

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Angel

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