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Rooting For You

I watched him moving and arranging some plants between pots. The movements were smooth, the arrangements were skilled. It looked more delicate than creating a bouquet of flowers. And yet every little placement was gently done.

“Intan tau ini pokok apa, kan?”

He has been calling me ‘Intan’ since my early days when his Kelantanese brother-in-law called me ‘hitam’ in a thick Kelantanese accent. Enida is my REAL name, by the way. And my Abah is from the same kampung as Samy Velu.

“Cekur, bah.” I answered him confidently, although somehow I was ready to be corrected. He nodded, “Oh, ingat ya?” and smiled.

“Ingaaaaat!” I kind of lied. The truth was, I surprised myself that I remembered. On that rainy afternoon I sensed that we were both proud of ourselves. Him for teaching me. And me for remembering what I had been taught.

Some days are… diamonds.

What It’s Like

At the kitchen island one morning, after having a casual conversation with my son about Father’s Day celebration this year, he said…

“I don’t know what it’s like to have a father, Mom.”

My heart stopped beating, or maybe I stopped breathing. I can’t remember now if you asked me. But I was washed away by a tsunami of emotions right there and then. I felt guilty, first of all, for not providing him with a father, or a father figure since we left his father. I used to think that my son’s uncles might be able to fill in; spend time with him growing up, play with him, teach him a thing or two. But I never asked any of my male siblings to do that, nor did I know how it could have worked.

My first response to my son was, “I’m sorry, sayang. I’m so sorry. I really am. It’s my fault.” I was sorry, I really was. What he said cut me deeply. The honesty was too much and yet it was perfectly enough for me to feel its truth. My son could not have put it in any other way. He just does not know what it is like to have a father. He hasn’t had one since he was four. It was as raw as it got — the statement, the feeling, the truth. He simply did not know what it was like to have a father. He had none. Pure and simple.

Edrick assured me it was not my fault because his father was still alive and kicking. Us leaving his father was my decision but the father not being in the kids’ life was purely his choice. Although I reminded Edrick that his father did put him through school until 2018, it was not really what he meant by “what it’s like to have a father”. Anyone could pay for his education, he said. But Dad never really wanted to be Dad other than that.

He wasn’t sad saying all this to me that morning, at our kitchen island. In fact, he was just stating the fact as facts appeared to him. This was his reality. He accepted it and he was just telling it. As it was. And these whole 13 years I never looked at my own kids going through life as fatherless. Never!

Until then.

Ubah

Ubat kepada bodoh ialah rajin.

Where Are You?

Aku di kaki langit, sayang.
Mencari pelangi.

Tapi hujan tak turun-turun.
Dan engkau entah di mana.
Mana mungkin kita basah bersama.

Kenangan yang kugenggam
tak menjadi debu
tak menjadi rindu
dan tak sedikit pun
terselit di rambutku.

Musim cinta telah berlalu.

Eh, sayang who?

Enida
24 January 24
Sepang

Cakap-Cakap

Dua Ribu Duapuluh Empat:
Saya masih memikirkan apa mahu saya buat dengan cakap-cakap yang saya tidak dengar dari mulut tuanpunya kata-kata itu sendiri. Saya bersimpati kepada telinga saya yang mendengar, tapi saya malah bersedih kerana akal dan hati saya berperang kerananya.

Perlukah saya mendengar tanpa merasa? Atau perlukah saya merasa tanpa mendengar penjelasan daripada tuanpunya-tuanpunya kata-kata? Semoga Tuhan bantu saya kekal rasional untuk menerima apa yang tak mampu saya kawal.

Sebegitu bersyukur lebih sukar daripada bersabar… begitu lah juga payahnya menjaga mulut daripada menjaga hati. Mungkin di dua ribu duapuluh empat ini saya perlu belajar untuk lebih menjaga telinga.

“Tuhan jagalah tanganku ini.”

Perjalanan Kata-Kata

This is the draft of a poem I was trying to write over 4 years ago. It remains a draft even though I reminded myself to finish it a few days before January 11th this year. I diligently keyed it in to my iCalendar, kunun-kunun mesti habiskan dan muatnaikkan pada 11 January tahun ini, kebetulan saya baru terjumpa tersorok di Notes.

Tapi masih beginilah juga puisinya.

While You Were Sleeping

I’m having troubles sleeping tonight.

Thoughts upon thoughts came flooding my mind since early evening. Funny how thoughts are plural as though they were countable, and yet I can’t count them. So many so, that’s it’s too much. So much so, that it’s too many!

Just before climbing into bed, I got thinking about the volume of a drop of water. Thanks to the kitchen tap that is loose. I find it hard to unhear the rhythm of the drop. It kept playing in my head as I found out that there are 20 drops of water in one milliliter.

I brought a glass up to my bedroom and it was ¾ filled. Approximately 250ml, which is equivalent to 5,000 drops — which doesn’t sound like much at all. I should drink more tomorrow. Say, a glass contains 450ml. No, I just checked! The blue IKEA glass’ volume is 31cl (310ml) which equals to 6,800 drops. If I drink 8 glasses of water tomorrow, I will down 49,600 drops! Cool.

And then I got thinking of the water bills.
And the plumbing cost to get the kitchen tap fixed.

5 Puluh 1

Untuk tanganku yang sentiasa
ingin memeluk ragamu.
Untuk telingaku yang selalu
mahu mendengar ceritamu.

Terima kasih Monchiesku.
Di hari ulang tahun Mommy
yang ke lima puluh satu.

29 Disember 2023
Mesra

Convenience

I will not let you love me only at your convenience.
I refuse to let you stand at the door of my heart, 
with no intentions of walking in and getting comfortable.

I refuse to spend my nights imagining what it must feel like, 
to have you all to myself.

I refuse to let you raise my hopes. 
Deep down, I knew you never really belonged to me.

But in my delusion, I thought it was better to be the second choice,
than not to be chosen at all.

But right now I’m done with this and all that it was.
I’m done being only good enough for sometimes.

I will not let you love me only at your convenience.
And you know, I had always hoped for a happier ending between us.
But maybe the happy ending this time is that I,
I finally learned to choose me.

by Erastususo

Push My Buttons

When it comes to work, I am fussy, I am pushy, I am serious, I am merciless, I am relentless, and I am a bitch — if not a classic asshole. I swear I am! And I don’t think any of my staff would disagree with this confession. Tak kiralah staff sebelum-sebelum ini, atau staff yang ada sekarang. Saya memang cerewet, banyak songeh and super duper hard to please.

As much as I am that boss from hell, I don’t believe in harsh words, though. Maki-hamun or mencarut is not my style. You won’t find me spitting profanities from my mouth, neither will you be able to capture a screenshot of bad words in my text. Nope. And I am not the bebel type either. I have repeatedly told all my staff that I don’t like repeating myself. But lessons will keep coming to them until they learn. Ironic, bukan?

I have, nonetheless, used a lot of “Aduiyai!” to express my frustrations, yes. When I don’t get the quality of work I expect, I do use “OMG!” and “Ya Allah!” followed by a few minutes of silence to send some suspense and to create some nerve-wrecking tension. Yes, I have used that too. But if you say you have heard my macam jantan voice at work, bertempik berteriak marah-marah campak barang like there’s no tomorrow… you bear false witness through and through. Baik-baik sikit ya.

Saya bagi contoh satu kerja yang paling mencabar di Airwings — ambil gambar barang/product. Since part of our sales is still supported by our online shoppers, my ultimate goal is to give as much information of our items based on pictures and product descriptions. Gambar memang sangat-sangat penting. I don’t think I need to membebel why lah kan. Kita nak beli barang yang tak ada depan mata. Faham-faham saja lah.

Hence, the requirement is painfully simple:
Ambil gambar dari beberapa sudut pandangan.

Untuk items yang flat like patches, the first picture has to be eye level. Maka sebaiknya lekat saja di dinding so people will see them as if they were shopping at our gallery. Our walls are all covered with blue felt/carpet, and the blue carpet is covered with our patches. And as for the 3D items like coins, caps, pins, metal badges, etc. gambarnya mestilah diambil dari pelbagai arah.

Maka saya pun berilah contoh…

Pertama, gambarnya mestilah tegak. Berdiri atau baring, boleh belaka.
Asalkan tegak.

Seterusnya ambil lah gambar yang menunjukkan bentuk, ketebalan, dan bahagian lain yang tak dapat dilihat daripada gambar pertama.

Unlike Product Description yang memaparkan maklumat item dalam perkataan dan nombor, a picture worths a thousand words.
Gambar yang baik tak perlu kata-kata.

Another picture from another angle might help potential buyers in making their decision: To buy or bye-bye.

“Walau dari sudut mana pun kau lihat diri ini,
walaupun dari atas sekali semua adalah sama.”

Ini contoh sebenar untuk menunjukkan betapa fussy, pushy dan seriousnya saya dalam bab kerja. It took a lot of time to guide, instruct, educate, assist and facilitate learning. It still does. The new generation, as I have learned the hard way, cannot be led by example anymore. They don’t even look at examples! How lah? Saya nekad untuk cuba lagi sekali memahamkan staff apa yang saya mahu.

Tengoklah tu, sampai menitik peluh jantan staff jantan saya bila mesej, “Faham Puan.”

Kan saya dah kata, I’m a bitch when it comes to work. Saya tak peduli, staff nak menyampah ke, staff nak menyumpah ke. Yang saya tahu, kerja mesti jalan, dan jalan mesti lurus. Jalan lurus ni biasanya jauh. Lambat nak sampai, payah nak capai. But I also know that more often than not, people can do better if they are given enough push.

Well, I might toil like a horse. But deep down, I know…
I am that Pushycat Doll.