Posted in Inside Enida on December 24, 2011| 1 Comment »
Things are changing around me. So are people. And so am I. And because of that, I should not be holding on to the email draft I have kept in the folder renamed as ‘Wishful Thinking’. Not anymore. I should just send them out or delete them. Either way, I am not going to read them again. I am different now.
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Posted in Abang, Humor on December 23, 2011| Leave a Comment »
Ida…
… *diam*
Idaaa…
…
Jawap laaa…
…
Tak baik tau Abang panggil Ida tak jawap cenggini.
…
Ida merajuk ya?
…
Sayang…
…
Sayang? Heyyy come onnn…
…
Okay. Cuba sayang bagitau Abang kenapa sayang merajuk.
…
Eh tak, tak. Jap jap! Sebelum bagitau kenapa, cuba sayang bagitau Abang, sayang ni merajuk ke… atau line ni yang dah putus tapi Abang je yang bercakap sorang. Or entahkan ada operator Celcom yang tengah kesian dengar Abang pujuk sayang tapi sayang bolayan. Eh, tapi kan sayang… sekarang ni phone companies pakai ke lagi operator macam zaman telefon kena dail dulu tu? Abang pernah bagitau sayang tak, dulu Abang selalu berangan nak kawin dengan operator telefon tau. Sebab yang Abang nampak operator telefon ni selalu pakai kebaya. Lawa ooo! Tapi bila asek dengar suara operator yang garang macam mak tiri, terus Abang tukar fikiran. Abang tak sanggup kena bentak hari-hari kalau isteri Abang marah ke, merajuk ke. Biar tentu dia diaaaammm je macam sayang. Kalau nangis, Abang pujuk.
*terus nangis*
Ohhh sayang ada! Abang ingat Abang bercakap dengan operator Celcom tadi. Alaaa… Abang baru nak meng-ayat, Ida dah ada. Hehehehe.
Abang niiii! Dah lah. Ida nak bertukar kepada DiGi! Benci tau! *tambah nangis*
I miss you too, sayang. Hehehehe.
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Posted in Hurt, Mom, Monchies on December 22, 2011| 9 Comments »
For a day that day, I just let me be. There I was… a spinning top at the end of the rope in the morning, and by late afternoon I was hitting everything that was in my way. By the time I lit the candles for Mom, I was in total darkness ready to hit everything else that was still in my way.
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And then, like a reminder that was meant to be… Mom’s words came to me pouring like rain when I had nowhere to run. She said, when in pain, try watching your children sleeping. As you want nothing to touch them, nothing can touch you. Heaven is on earth for those who are willing to stand still for a while and embrace peace.
When I turned the lights off and closed the kids’ bedroom door behind me, all the hurt caused by unkind words I read earlier was healed. Mom was probably watching me watching Monchies sleeping.
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The next day I held a baby who was born on Mom’s 63rd birthday, and my babies were right beside me, aah-ing and ooh-ing over the little daisy. I embraced them and was grateful for what I have and what I had.
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I had a good mother.
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Posted in Poetry, Write On on December 22, 2011| 2 Comments »
Didn’t I Tell You?
Didn’t I tell you?
Do not leave me.
For I am your only friend.
I am the spring of life.
.
Even if you leave in anger
for thousands of years
you will come back to me.
For I am your goal and your end.
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Didn’t I tell you?
Not to be seduced by this colorful world.
For I am the ultimate painter.
.
Didn’t I tell you?
You are a fish.
Do not go to dry land.
For I am the deep sea.
.
Didn’t I tell you?
Not to fall in the net like birds.
For I am your wings
and the power of light.
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Didn’t I tell you?
Not to let them change your mind
and turn you to ice.
For I am your fire and warmth.
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Didn’t I tell you?
They will corrupt you
and make you forget
that I am the spring of all virtues.
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Didn’t I tell you?
Not to question my actions.
For everything falls into order.
I am the Creator.
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Didn’t I tell you?
Your heart can guide you home
because it knows that I am your Master.
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by Rumi
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Posted in Inside Enida on December 21, 2011| 1 Comment »
However incapacitated my thoughts are by my words, I am telling my truth. And you… you don’t know what lies can do to you until you’re wearing my shoes. I have big feet, but my heart is bigger. I have walked away, but I let you stay.
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Posted in Inside Enida, Mom on December 20, 2011| 2 Comments »
I felt so merajuk today that I Googled for my own old entries on my merajuk bouts. And I saw a pattern. I actually merajuk every December 20th. It has been three years of merajuk December 20th’s. The last happy December 20th I had was in 2008, when I surprised my Mom with a cake. She wasn’t all that surprised, I think. But she was the happiest I had seen. It was her 60th birthday. Her last.
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I still merajuk that Mom left too soon. She was my best listener who believed that no matter how harsh I had become, I was her refined treasured gem. I was her Intan. No matter how miserable I looked or sounded, I was her best sight and her favorite sound. I sang the best ‘Sayang Di Sayang’ — better than ten Kartina Dahari’s put together. To her.
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I merajuk so much because I have to spend the rest of my life finding love from someone who can take my beginning as well as my ending. Someone who can love me in between, and love me in the end when love itself ends. And in the depth of my rajuk, I got thinking… maybe it wasn’t Mom that I saw was the happiest on December 20th, 2008. It was me. And there’s no more.
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Posted in Travel, Write On on December 3, 2011| Leave a Comment »
For the next few days, I am going to be doing a few things I have not done before. I am going to a place I have not been to for twenty long years. Please pray for me. Pray that my mind is clear, my thoughts are positive, my words are kind, and my heart is open.
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I am flying solo.
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I keep you posted. And if I don’t… I’ll keep you waiting.
🙂
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