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Cope-n-Hope

October 21, 2009 by Enida

At times I know I sound harsh. Most of the times, I don’t (know). Call it defense-mechanism, what-you-don’t-know-doesn’t-bother-you mechanism or whatever mechanisms have you. It doesn’t bother me what and how you label others. It doesn’t bother me what and how you label me. I am comfortable in my own brown skin (semi-D Chinese, half-hitched Indian, duplexed Malay skin). Yes, I am made up of more than just 100 percent of anything, everything. 1Malaysian. Proudly.

 

But behind the hard-boiled, hard-core harshness… I am just a child who has just lost her Mommy. I am just a Mommy who has just lost her Monchies’ grandma. And I am just a sailor who has just lost her pharos, her anchor and her true north. If  I am a bit too harsh, too arrogant to be seen drop-dead crying the Oprah’s ugly cry, and if I chose to still be that drop-dead gorgeous WordPress blogger woman… gimme a break lah kan. Even a diva needs that Azean Irdawaty’s anak wayang moment.

 

I’m coping I’m hoping. And I’m hoping I’m coping. And I’m gone… acting tough. 
Light, camera, action!

 

 

Postlude:
Ehhh! Chicheyyy pulawk kemeira koi ni tadi ateh lemaghi howk dekeik ngei telipoang te. Poh palih peluper nyer! Denggg!

 

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Facing The Book

October 15, 2009 by Enida

For the first time after 8 days since Mom’s departure, I am facing the book again. The book I am writing. No, it has nothing to do with Facebook (no matter how much it is causing me grief at the moment, bah!)

 

Enida is gone grieving.

 

 

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Returning

October 15, 2009 by Enida

I am still grieving. I am not going to deny it and I won’t apologize. Too many people say sorry when they don’t know what they are sorry for, and most say sorry for all the wrong reasons anyway.

 

As a matter of course, I am glad I am grieving. Thank you Qunie (and Be, and Sia Peng, and Karen, and Nina, and many others) for putting the fact in a sentence… that there is perfectly no harm to do just that, and for ‘sentencing’ me to grieving, taking as long as I see fit taking.

 

But then again… grieving has long been in the act of writing to me. So here I am. I have returned to do the grieving thing again. Thank you for greading.

 

 

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The 11th Hour

October 4, 2009 by Enida

After a week between Jelai, Kenanga and 443, I decided to look for some kemesraan at our Mesra home on Jalan Duta. So me Monchies and me were within the city limit around 1530 Sunday afternoon leaving Mom in trusting hands of my two littlest brothers. Instead of heading straight to our Mesra, I took the Monchies out for a treat (a break from my cooking, really) at Meatworks and later for grocery stock-up at the Solaris CS. 

 

It was pretty nice to be in the Mesra embrace again after two months, I must say. The only embrace missing was Be’s.

 

But shortly after sundown my how’s-mom-doing standard sms was replied with Lam’s “call-me-please”… which was very rare, if not never at all. That was enough to make my heart skip three and a half beats! Mom slipped into her unresponsiveness again!

 

It’s exactly 12 hours to the very minute between us arriving in Mesra and now. I am driving through the mountains again bringing our love and Mesra to my Mom.

 

Tabeik datuk nenek gunowang bukeik ghimber howk Lentaang ke howk  Kaghowk ke, cucu cichiet nompang lalu. Nak balik moh lah degheih awaok nte.

 

 

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To Hunt, Too

October 2, 2009 by Enida

If I believe everything I hear but not see, my Mom is not dying of cancer or liver damage. If I believe everything that science is not able to make any sense of, I would go insane just from the fear of the unknown. And that there is some kind of evil spirit hunting my Mom and choking her right on the neck killing her mercilessly while keeping her alive.

 

Faith is another funny thing I dare simpering about only in the safety of my privacy. Out of respect to those who believe and out of my tolerance to possibilities, I would say nothing but… God is the superlative great! No hunting, no hinting. No buts, ifs, maybes, commas or question marks. Full stop.

 

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Kenanga Without an End

September 27, 2009 by Enida

I do have a chapter to write. But at the moment, the very reason for writing the whole book is being written on my page of life. I am gone reading at a hospital ward called Kenanga. Shhhhh…

 

One thousand million smiles...

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Heavenly Heavy

September 24, 2009 by Enida

Leave the light on for me...I woke up  yesterday  morning  with a  heavy feeling. So heavy, that I went straight downstairs, washed my hands, lit a candle for my Mom, grabbed whatever leftovers I could grab for Kitreena’s lunchbox and pretended that it was going to be another great day. It was for sure a great day for Kitreena – Daddy walked her to school, cool! Of course she went on her two wheels, helmet on and all, looking more and more like a sophomore than a lil kindy, that angel babygirl of mine.

 

Just when I thought what heaved me was the feelings of me mommy-ing  me Monchies who are growing as fast as they could say “Bye Mom!” I was suddenly reminded of the strange dreams I had the night before. Of my Mommy! The dreams that kept taking me back to the tiny house by which I remember my Mom the most. So tiny was the house that we always had to run into each other like little kittens in a roofed-box! We could not run, nor could we hide from one another in that ‘745-U’ little box. (I don’t suppose this explains my peculiar habit of hiding in a gobok everytime I run away from stressful confrontations, does it? Isyyy!)

 

It wasn’t until I started Skyping with KaCher that the onerousness became nothing but the opposite of dream. It was all real and touchable. That my Mom is… departing. And it is now and here that I started wishing that the whole world were as tiny as that little roofed-box where Mom raised me to be nothing less than her little angel.

 Gerimis di laman bonda...

 

I am not hiding. I am so far from everything and everyone… that if I hide, nobody comes looking for me. So I am now running home to Mom before she spreads her wings.

 

 

Spread your wings and fly
No kiss and no goodbye
In the thoughts that never die
Your name is a song of cry.

~ Enida
April 1997
Bangi Lama

 

 

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Ride On Raya

September 21, 2009 by Enida

My kerinting Kitreena.

I was not going to write about Raya anymore today, to be frank. I was pretty content to leave it for another year before I let it get to me again. But it is still in the air. My homesickness is still affecting my moonlady-ness. Or is it the other way around?

 

I still reward myself with one Batang Buruk each time after doing dishes. Thanks, Tuan Nor! And dinner tonight was the Raya leftovers. Not to mention that all sms updates from family and friends today revolved around who went Raya-ing where. Well, I guess I’ll indulge a tiny wee bit more.

 

Baju Raya-wise this year is a re-run for all of us, The Johnsons. Yes, I am stating the obvious, rather obviously. I am glad, nonetheless, that Kitreena still thinks of the world about her dress that she herself hand-picked at a place in Bangi last year. She did make a comment about the sleeves getting shorter when she had it on yesterday.

 

I should just let her wear this Baju Raya whenever she wants from now on, Raya or not Raya, before it shrinks on her. While the long sleeves may never be short sleeves, as  I hope she never grows hands longer than 50 inches, I can almost see the dress becoming the most beautiful Jackfruit Wrap within the next two years. Imagine a purple karong nangka, with beads, labucci and glitters summore!

 

Kitreena has grown and gone through quite a bit between mid-July and this Raya, you see. Since we got her a T-scooter when we came back from Malaysia, she has been a rider. A good one at it too, I must say. So good that it inspired me to get a T-scooter for myself! Yes, these days I send her to school riding it! I see no other mothers riding anything else but their big fancy cars. I guess that’s why Kitreena’s classmates thought I was a cool Mom! Woo hoo!

 

And within the last 2 weeks Kitreena has also been riding her bike without the training wheels. This girl is funny when it comes to milestones. She had been riding her bike (training wheels and all) since her 3rd birthday. Yeah, pre-Edrick era! Recently when we saw that she could balance on the T-scooter well, we nudged her into losing the training wheels. She got so scared and was so not willing to try that she totally abandoned her bike!

 

We then coaxed and cajoled her with a pair of roller-blades. Within just two hours of putting the fresh-from-the-shop pair of RBs, she was already gliding down Pokrovsky Boulevard leaving me green with envy! (I have mine too since 2003, but had been too scared to fall on my big 72kg butt back then. I admit that I am now so motivated by the jealousy towards Kitreena’s ease at picking up the speed and balance, I’ve signed up for ice-skating class! Yes, my butt is almost 15kg lighter now. And yes, I digressed!)

 

To cut another of Kitreena’s riding stories short… one late afternoon about two weeks ago, Daddy just lost patience with his daughter’s fear. He took the training wheels off of Kitreena’s bike, put her helmet on and just forced her to pedal it! As though she had been practising all these years in secret, Kitreena just rode off! Yeah again, gliding down Pokrovsky Boulevard leaving Daddy with his jaw dropped to the ground and Mommy with her eyes rounder than a rounder’s field!

 

We should not have been surprised, really! Kitreena had done the very same thing when she started to walk. As a baby, she was extremely cautious and got tremendously easily frustrated when she kept on falling. So cautious that she refused to even try to walk. It took her 2-3 months before she got tired of sitting and crawling. One day, she just picked herself up and started walking!

 

Keputat kakak kepada Melang!I hope she wouldn’t just pick our car keys tomorrow and start driving around Moscow looking for the Malaysian Embassador’s house. After all, she was very disappointed yesterday for not getting her Raya’s servings of Keputat! Did I tell you she wanted spaghetti with Sambal Tumis Udang for her school lunchbox today?

 

Aaahhh my Malaysianized Canadian monchie!

 

 

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The Rendang Rendition

September 20, 2009 by Enida

Salam Aidilfitri from Moscow with love.

 

Salam Aidilfitri from Moscow with lotsaluv!

 

Things that could go wrong, of all days, had to go wrong today. On my Raya. It would be a perfect “Rain On My Parade”, if I were to put a title on my day. I thought not having to cook for this Raya was going to be the best decision yet, for I was about to pig-out at the Malaysian Embassador’s Hari Raya Open House. (Excuse the animal, but really… what other animals eat more, in quantity and in vulgarity, than those oinks? If you can name one, do let me know. I shall lobby against the term ‘pig-out’, for oinking outloud, and rewrite some English dictionaries. Bah!)

 

Well, it started late. The Raya. All of us slept in so that we would have breakfast around lunch time, timed just right for the Open House which was going to be our lunch+snack+supper+dinner = schnackupslunchschner. But by the time our little clan was all nicely donned in Baju Raya, Be and Kitreena were still coughing like there was no Raya Kedua! I knew then, that I wasn’t going to drag two walking phlegm machines to some embassador’s house! Na’ah! So after a collaborative effort with Be making a Salmon and Scrambled Eggs on Toast brekky, it all became very clear to me that Rendang was easier made at home than going to some embassador’s open house for.

 

Ingredients for Enida's Krazy Lazy Serba Kekurangan Beef RendangWhile thawing out the goulash beef which I bought some time ago in a very ambitious  attemp to make Russian Goulash (of course the ambition remains an ambition), I grabbed whatever spices I had accumulated over the last 2 months here in Moscow. And with only two stalks of lemongrass, some old old old old frozen galangal, some onions to substitute shallots, and can you believe it… no kerisik, I dumped everything into the slowcooker and prayed really really hard that the next four hours when I opened the cooker, I would have a Krazy Lazy Beef Rendang.

 

Apa saja lah Labuuu!

And oh, good thing I had this little jar of curry powder. Though it is not what I’d  usually use, sprinkling it all over the beef coating it for a little flavor might help, I thought. I was just so ready to be gone hoping (for a tasty magic Rendang)! That’s right. I did not even bother opening the recipe book, as I knew I had nothing but beef and whatever you can see in this picture, to make Beef Rendang out of.

 

At the end of it all, honestly… it still is the thoughts that count when I counted what I put on the dinner table for my family. And so, at the end of it all and at the end of the day I did change the title of my day to “Raindang On My Parade”.

 

Selamat Hari Raya, luv!

 

What matters this Raya, or any Raya for that matter!

 

 

 Dinner's readyyy! Plateful Raya dinner. 

 

 

Lesung batu = mortar and pestle setGlossary for Neil:
kerisik = grated desiccated coconut kernel, pan-roasted until golden, and pressed to get greasy fine coconut crumbs (usually pounded in lesung batu)

lesung batu = mortar and pestle

Raya Kedua = second day of Eid celebration

 

Posted in Makan-Makan, Pokrovsky Boulevard | Tagged | 2 Comments »

Loaving You

September 19, 2009 by Enida

Be's Banana Loaf

Be baked these two loaves of Banana Bread this morning to use up those frozen ancient bananas we’ve had since, uh… since the last Pharaoh was mummified. Yes, that old! And since there was enough bananas for two loaves, Be made one for Hari Raya and one for today, our 111th monthly anniversary. Mmm… I might not have said much about him, about us and about those other sweet things we have in our relationship… but I love it when he goes bananas on me like this with his baking skills!

 

Double-batch, double loaves.

Other than that, we’re taking it easy today. Kitreena is still coughing and is still on anti-biotics until Tuesday. Be too has started coughing his nasty chesty cough since yesterday. So the morning and mid-day was spent watching An Unfinished Life, a feel-good movie all shot on a ranch in Alberta and British Columbia, around Ashcroft, Kamloops, Burdett and Medicine Hat. Loved the ranch, loved the trees, loved the bear, loved Robert Redford, loved Jennifer Lopez and loved Morgan Freeman.

 

Baked with love. Chewah!

And right now, while writing this, I am watching Juno. Yeah, yeah… totally long overdue but I am glad we are watching it now. Today. Totally loved what the Dad said to Juno: “Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.” I don’t mind it being the tagline for our 111th monthly anniversary, all right!

 

Double celebration!And while doing dishes this evening, I noticed how I have learned to put the gloves on. It is almost automatic now that my hands would reach for them gloves before touching anything in the sink. For the truth is, I have come to appreciate my only pair of hands and have begun to pamper them as much as I possibly can.  The diamond ring and the wedding band… they probably last longer than my hands. So the rings can stay on my fingers when I do dishes. Or laundry. Or when I shower. Or when I do anything. Or nothing. They stay. Just like I stay banded to The Banana Bread man.

 

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