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Posts Tagged ‘Life’

Enida Berada

I must have been seven then and I remember specifically asking my dad what ‘class’ we belonged to. Whether we were Orang Kaya or Orang Miskin (The Rich or The Poor). You know how it was as a child, we had this funny urge to belong and to fit in, hoping that we were the hierarchical toppers. When I asked dad the question, I remember looking specifically at our bathroom door almost feeling sorry that it didn’t even look like a door.

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But perhaps it was that door that made dad think we were in a class of our own. He said we were neither kaya nor miskin. We were Orang Berada‡.  Because we had a house. We had a bathroom. And our bathroom did have a door no matter how unlike a door it looked like. We had money. It was barely enough but we had money when we had it. We had wheels. Riding on dad’s bicycle was definitely faster than walking. We had food on the table. Though we didn’t really have a dining table. We sat on the floor around our food at mealtimes. But we had a floor of the house. And we had a house.

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Most of all, said dad, we had the will to better ourselves so no one would call us The Poor. I learned it from my dad that we didn’t have to have all, to have it all. We had it all figured out and today we are okay. We are our all. Each other.

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Orang Berada‡ loosely translates to ‘people who have (everything)’

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Mean Time

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The kitchen is in a mess. And so is my life in a glance. My hair is up, my face still has its OXY10 patches from this morning and my dress smells like fried fish. And you wonder why I have not been writing, don’t you? Well, wonder no more. I am so happily busy that I haven’t had time to sit down and word my feelings.

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But it’s not fair, I know. There you are waiting for my smiles, and here I am hiding them.

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Between then and now, I have gotten me a CRaVy, a black one. And just less than a week prior to that, I got me the “Enida Consultancy & Services” incorporated. And oh, have I told you that I have gotten me a new sister-in-law? I bet I haven’t told you that I have also gotten myself into a pit that has delicious bread, have I? Umph! Much better than what I used to get at Ukay Bakery, you betcha!

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So my dear Silent Reader(s), I now refuse to be a Silent Writer. Let me clean up the kitchen, my face and my life tonight and be back in your arms with more than just my smiles.

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Take My Hand

I am braving the pain.

I have cried, but it only hurt my eyes and my face. For my voice had fallen on deaf ears and my love had reached a dead heart.

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For everything that is no longer here…
He will lead me away from my fear.

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All That

Do you know the feeling of wanting something so much for so long that when you finally get it, you realize that you don’t want it anymore? The wanting keeps you going, the going keeps you holding on. And it is the getting that ends it all. You let go. Because you know, getting does not always mean having. There are things you can want, you can get, but you can never have.

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All that I want, I have. And I am all right.

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Just stay away.

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Please.

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Over Here

Before life is over, it will always have something for us to get over with. That much I can be sure of today, coming to think of it this morning.

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I got over with being a child, chubby and all whether I liked it or not, with no big damage. I’m still chubby and still working on getting a little less chubby, but my face is longer.

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Getting over with being a misunderstood girl all my teenage years and a decade or two later was a huge task, but I came out with no major injuries. Thanks to having a good mom, I did pretty good.

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Then before I knew it, I got over a bad relationship, hitting the rock bottom, staying there on my rock bottom for two years for all the wrong reasons. But for all the good lessons that came with it, I did come out a little wiser, I must say. I survived the pain, though they say much of it was self-chosen.

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The last ten years, however, were the years I never thought I had to get ‘over’ with. As the way it was in the beginning, there was no time limit set to it. But like I said so myself, life… before it’s over, will always have something for us to get over with.

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I will get over this and will get over there from over here.

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Soon.

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Here I Come

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“If I can’t come to happiness, I’ll come up with it.”

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~Enida
June 25, 2010
Pokrovsky Hills Boulevard
Doma Nomer Divyet

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Menerima Kasih

Thank you for listening to all the stories I was not telling you. Thank you for knowing that there were just too many stories I was not able to tell. You have been there. You have made time, for me and my stories. Your love was those warm embraces you pulled me into, those silent moments holding my hands wanting me to stay. And yet letting me go.

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Thank you for letting me write a whole new story. Thank you for reading me.

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Until Then

Until then
until the sky loses its blue
and the ocean loses its hue
until there is no more poetry
between just you and me…
will I be done with regret
for not loving you like that.

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Enida
June 16, 2010
Mesra Home Jalan Duta

(adapted from Sampai Nanti)

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Kasih yang tak terhingga untuk:

  • Cik Nan
  • Emila Yusof
  • Sham Saimon
  • Tuan Nor Kaseh
  • Peah Ahmad
  • Ridwan Robin Solahudin
  • Chin Neoh Dove
  • Russol Hussein
  • Suhad Ali
  • Engku Ili Hanisah
  • Farah Nadiah
  • Nurenah
  • Encik Bret
  • Julia Romeli
  • Ida Bakar
  • Razilah Othman
  • Rozie Anis
  • Fazilah Husin
  • Kencha Dewok
  • Hafizah Sanusi
  • Jordan Ling
  • Atikah Ahmad
  • Amir Dunia
  • Afdeza Monir
  • Khalid Nasser
  • Fatimah Mohd Diah
  • Lisa Lish Joehari
  • Intan Azreena M Hafiz
  • Noraini Rajudin
  • Aniza Yaakub
  • Shidah Abd Rashid
  • Dr. Boden
  • Dr. Zanjebil
  • Dr. Ravi
  • Dr. Ananda
  • Dr. Cinta
  • Nik Shamsi
  • Raizil Emeli
  • Halim Jusoh
  • Karen Cheong
  • Tanty Sharum
  • Zahidi Ishak
  • Nazib at Hawk
  • Those who spent precious time with me on a daily basis
  • Those who read me and added me on Facebook
  • Those who thought of me, reached for the phone and did not call

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Bersih

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Terasa seperti ingin membasuh jiwa.
Bersih dari cinta yang tak perlu.

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Readability

Over the years I thought it was just a thought. And I thought it was just my little wishful thinking wishing for some special talent I wished I had. But over the years I realized that I have not been wrong about pictures I have consciously read.

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I am no fortune teller. Heavens no! I cannot tell who’s going to hell and who’s not going to heaven. But I can kinda tell who is in limbo.

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I have not been doing as much reading as I would like to lately. And yet I read too much.  I think it’s time to start writing again.

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Silver Bullet Bitten

This picture. There was a story that came with it. In fact, there was a story that came with everything I saw, everything I captured with my out-of-date little camera. And I was going to tell you the story right away.

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But then I changed my mind. The way I change my mind everytime a not-so-good thought comes knocking. I don’t open my door to bad thoughts. Not usually. I don’t even ask ‘Who’s there?’

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The truth is, a year ago, if I had let the clouds of pain take me over… there was going to be no such thing as silver lining. Or silver anything. There wasn’t even going to be the silver-like ring on any of my fingers. Forget silver bells.

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I came a long way, as the story did not unfold just a year ago. It had started long before that. And the other truth is, I have been rethinking about it all lately. About how we choose from choices, opportunities and second chances granted to us. About how our choices lead us to where we are today.

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And for me to have been in Calgary in April 2010 despite what happened in April 2009 and August 2008… I have had my silver storms. I had seen months of rain with no sign of rainbows. I had seen clouds with the chance of armageddon. I had lost hope, found it, lost it again and faked one or two (or three).

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The only un-artificial thing left on me is probably my teeth. Even they have been filled with silver and mercury. And even they have not been able to turn me into a silver-tongued Enida. Well, such is life. And questa… è Enida. ¡Ya basta!

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