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Archive for the ‘Inside Enida’ Category

This Is All You

Ocean deep...

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I have suspicions
that this is all you.

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And just as you are,
striking to the core of the heart
with merciless sweetness.

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I can no longer fault
the legions of men
who have been brought
to their knees by you.
With a voice such as this
yet harrowing haunting words,
you both sail ships
as well as sink them.

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Thank you for this.
It is beautiful.
I am ever captive.

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*This Is All You

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Ketika Duka

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Tahajjud Cinta

Kau datang ketika duka
Dan bintang bercahaya
Tunjukku ke jalan syurga

Ku haus di tengah laut
Lemas mencari tempat berpaut
Kirimkan aku kekuatan
Peta pedoman di kesesatan

Ku sunyi dalam gembira
Perit pedih tanggung derita
Sungguh aku bukan wali
Yang suci dari hina dan benci

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I makan spaghetti petang tadi, ingat you. I makan sandwich malam semalam, ingat you. I makan keropok losong Pak Ngah lepas makan spaghetti dua suap ni pun, ingat you. Apatah lagi bila I makan asam pedas ikan kembung yang you cadangkan I masak esok tu, dah tentu lah I ingat you.

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I sampai tak pergi makan angin, ingat you. Dan bila you tak ada, I makan hati… ingat you. .

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Maka makannya....

I tau lah you sentiasa ada dalam hati I. Tapi you kat mana? You… you kat mana?

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Sudahlah

Enida MarahThe not-so-nice thing about being a cheerful person like me is that, I am expected to not ever be the opposite of cheerful. It is not acceptable to see me in a sad state. And I am definitely banned from entering any sorry state. God forbids if I ever reach out and ask for help. Goodness, that is so not me. So unbecoming.

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It is like being told to wear short white skirt to do a horseback riding for the first time and being expected to not lose balance, fall, get dirty or be embarrassed. Okay, I know the analogy is not quite realistic. But so is the expectation.

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K-bye!

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Didn’t I?

I did. . .

I purposely took some time away for myself and with myself to sit me down so I can write what I have been wanting to say. I really wanted to say how much I treasure this last year especially, for I have stood up for myself. For I have finally stopped letting me be a reserved player. Yes, I wanted to say it. Probably not that way, and not in those words exactly. But I wanted to say it.

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I did.

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I wanted to thank my husband (still is my husband although he has taken up another woman to sleep in our bed – his bed now, not our bed, because I left him – to clean his place top to bottom, to cook him breakfast, lunch and dinner, and to treat him right. Something he claims I never did. Or maybe something I never did right).

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I did.

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I really wanted to thank him profoundly. For all his love and appreciation. And perhaps for his speedy recovery from the pain I inflicted upon him by leaving Moscow. I wanted time and space.  Not a divorce. But since he thinks he doesn’t love me anymore and is not willing to let go of a woman who is standing by him right now – something he claimed I didn’t do – maybe I should agree that a divorce would be the best for both of us.

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I did.

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Written on: March 11th, 2011.

Published on: November 17th, 2014.

The reason for this entry not published on the date it was written:
I had to learn to let time tell the story. Words were inadequate.

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It was just an innocent catching-up conversation between two relatives about their common kampung friends. A very innocent ‘did-you-know-that-so-and-so-is-married’ chat that turned out to be my wake-up call.

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I now re-realize that I am back in this Malaysian society and very much belong to it. As much as I think I am ‘outside’… as I do think outside this proverbial box, I am deep in it. And so, although what I heard should not have bothered me, it surely has woken me up.

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“Eh, si Mat tu dah kawin kan? Tapi tak ada jemput pun.”
“Sebab dia kawin dengan janda.”
“Laa… iye ke? Kenapa lah tak cari yang bujang.”
“Janda tu dengarnya tua daripada dia, anak dua ke tiga, entah.”
“Ishhh! Si Mat tu muda daripada kita. Baru start kerja.”
“Anak dara bersepah, nak jugak kawin dengan janda. Beranak pulak tu.”
“Cari lah yang sebaya. Kot nak janda pun, biar lah yang tak ada anak.”
“Ah kalau janda tu tak melayan, tak jadi jugak.”

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I woke up right there and then, determined to find my people’s cultural definition of jodoh and bodoh.

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At some point in our life, we will all be battling something. Some of us will be battling it in the ward, some in court, and the rest of us… somewhere.

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Some of us will be battling against cancer or thyroid. A few of us will be battling it in nasty divorce when the love is gone. And the rest of us will be battling in and against depression, the loss of our loved ones or just weight, or just loneliness. Just?

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But the point is, at some point…
We will all be battling something in our life. Something. And at that point, we will all be tired of fighting and we will all be willing to just let go of so many things, including our will. Trust me. Winning will be a challenge and losing will look like an option.

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It is at that point in our life when we tend to forget to sit ourselves down to ask, “What is the point?” We will be busy battling that something in our life, we forget what we are fighting for. At the end of it all whether we win or lose, time will have left us.

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But for some reason, in the middle of writing this, somehow… all I want to do when the sun is up, is to go on a little boat on a lake somewhere with a little picnic basket, a blanket and a book.

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Yeah… a boat, a basket, a blanket and a book.

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So much for a battle.

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Bila kah...

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I’ve been to Point of No-Point, Vancouver Island.
It is one of the most beautiful places on earth.

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