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I’m Keeping It

Posted in Sense, tagged , on October 4, 2010| 1 Comment »

You know how it works with the mind, don’t you? That when we want something so much, so badly… we tell ourselves that we need it. And even after finding out that it isn’t really what we want or need, we tell ourselves we need to ‘finish’ it. We search for reasons. We make excuses.

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At the end of it all, we want to avoid saying, “We didn’t try.” So we keep pushing for the next level. Up or down. We keep hanging on. We keep climbing, saying it is the climb that matters. For whatever it is, we have this profound need in finding proof that it’s worth it. Worth finding. Worth trying. Worth keeping. Or worth letting go.

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And then we make up stories to tell none other than our gullible little self that we need to hurt in order to heal. Some of us hurt others. The rest of us hurt ourselves. We contain that pain as deeply as we want to contain joy. And we list down all the choices we made that have led us to the final chosen pain.

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More often than not we play the blame game. We lose, we lose. We win, we  still lose. We’ll never put back the clock. Nor will we ever walk backwards pretending that we haven’t gone through what we have gone through.

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At the end of the day, it is the climb – and its hurdles, and its steepness, and the height, and the challenges, and the tears, and the sweat, and the blood. And everything else in between finding it and quitting it. Whatever it is.

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And whatever it is I look for… I actually find it everyday. It’s just a matter of keeping it.

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The faith.

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Sampai Merajuk

Posted in Sense, tagged on September 30, 2010| 2 Comments »

Tiba-tiba terasa merajuk hati dengan dunia. I love my life, no question about it. But when so many things go wrong because they can go wrong, and I can’t say, “Don’t go wrong!”, it hurts my feelings. Merajuk betul hati saya.

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Bibik belum sampai. The delay has been a week! Saya kecewa, marah dan merajuk dengan Khalimah kerana tak tepati janji. Uangnya udah saya bayar penuh sebelum lebaran Buk. Gimana nih?

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Monchies semakin nakal. And I am too tired to speak gently. Tapi bila saya terpekik-pekik, saya tambah letih. Tekak pun sakit. Sia-sia. Saya merajuk dengan Monchies dan kepenatan saya sendiri.

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Shipment dari Moscow belum sampai dan kaki saya terasa lebih dari gatal untuk berlari. I am exhausted, but I know if I run… I get back the energy. Saya merajuk dengan Lancang Kuning belayar malam terlalu perlahan. Roar roarrr Rasputin!

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I had a loved one who didn’t love me enough to ask me to stay. So I left my loved one and I left love. I am now loveless. Saya merajuk dengan cinta dan dunia. Kerana cinta itu entah-entah tak pernah ada. Saya yang terlalu percaya. Bukankah hidup kita akhirnya harus bahagia? Bahagiakah saya? Ohh!

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Saya ada Facebook dan 285 orang kawan di sana. But I am getting so up-to-the-nose with those who claim to be my friends but ‘hog’ other friends of mine, tell me lies and act vulnerable for the reason known only to them. Terasa seperti hendak berkata, “Come on lah, you think I am desperate like you, izzit?” Saya merajuk dengan beberapa orang di Facebook yang so lah fake.

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And then, there’s another friend whom I have known for a while, out of nowhere asked me to only send her SMS’s if it is important because she’s a busy woman. And the deal is, she will give me a call if she receives a text message from me that she deems important. Hah? Begitu rupanya friendship kita? Mulalah rasa nak nyanyi lagu Adam Lambert nih! Saya merajuk dengan friendship begitu. Apakah?

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Kitreena doesn’t like the new school all that much. She feels that she is an ‘Either-Or’ and most of the time she is a ‘Neither-Nor’. Fitting-in is still a challenge. And the teachers are not as friendly and loving as those at Anglo-American school di Bukit Pokrovsky. Saya merajuk dengan sekolah Jalan Ampang itu kerana saya tahu anak saya bercakap benar tentang ini.

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Hari ini saya sakit kepala memikirkan dunia. Ya, dunia yang sama yang saya merajuk hati dengan. Mujurlah saya kelilingi diri saya dengan orang-orang yang betul-betul ikhlas menerima saya seperti:

  • my KaCher (for all the support. All!)
  • my Lil Sis (for worrying with me about Bibik and Romsiah)
  • my brothers (for washing my car, picking up my CRaVy’s spare keys, for looking for my slippers, for running my errands, for everything!)
  • Aunty Halimah and her daughter Noraini Rajudin (for the special Kuey Teow, Kue raya tapau and the two little kittens that have been named ‘Kitreena’ and ‘Edrick’)
  • Tuan Nor (for the admiration, the kebangsawanan, and the ‘Panas dingin hatiku, hanya Tuhan yang tahu’ saying!)
  • Ida Bakar (for the yummylicious Mee Kuah, Popiah and ‘The Sosilawaty Lawiya Last Trail Tour of Banting’ and Fish Tour in Kelanang)
  • Shareen Ameen-Fors (for the gift of new friendship together with her family, Noah, Bisha, Aunty and Uncle. Loved the python story! And dialysis has given me a new meaning and appreciation)
  • Lisa Lish Johari (for the positive outlook and support towards Enida Consultancy & Services. Brilliant ideas! What should we name our cafe?)
  • Rosmadewi Razali (for a cozy friendship, the throaty laughter and the restaurant bill that went up to RM3,000.00 in our imagination. What a hantu you make me!)
  • Chin Neoh (for the bahasa conversation yesterday and the Cantonese refreshers I am going to get this Friday morning while we gallivant di Tempat Biasa! You are my Jack Daniels on the rock, bebeh!)

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Haruskah saya terus merajuk dengan dunia?

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To Go Public

Posted in Sense, tagged on September 29, 2010| 1 Comment »

I remember what Chuari Selamat once or twice quoted in the year 1989…

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“Sesungguhnya hidup ini banyak soalan, kurang jawapan.”

“Verily, life has more questions than answers.”

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And what he quoted made me think of questions I had been asking myself. I still wander around on earth these days wondering. However, I must be honest, I don’t go looking for answers.

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Of all the life mysteries I have not been trying to solve, what came to my mind this morning was pubic hair. Yes pubic hair. Pubic hair. P.u.b.i.c. That’s correct. No, not public. You’re reading glass is fine. And so is your mind. And save that rolling eyes activities until you’re done with this post, ya?

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So what if I let myself wander around on earth these days wondering about something as exotic and private as pubic hair. If you are old enough to read this Quesa e Enida blog, you’re old enough to be hairy down there. Geezzzz, grow up! Or grow some hair down there, will ya? 🙂

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The question is, why is our pubic hair curly no matter how straight the hair on our head is? Don’t you ever ask yourself that question? I must admit that I have only a couple of theories:

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Sunshine
Because our pubic hair does not get any sun, the growth is somehow distorted. The distortion might have been caused by the lack of Vitamin D in the sun. But then, if the pubic hair is like our hair on the head, a Curly Sue  wouldn’t have to go to a salon to get her hair straightened, eh?
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Space
Pubic hair almost always spends its time growing in a ‘wrap’ (underware or all sorts of material) and even in air-tight ‘container’ in some cases. The lack of space  might have contributed to the curl factor. You know how things curl up in tight spaces.

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Well, that’s about it with unanswered and unanswerable questions on pubic hair. If I have more questions and theories on pubic hair, I might just go do a research and then write a book on it, for public’s sake. Kan?

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For more factual reading, please visit: Wiki Wiki Eh Eh. And for another pubic-related post, visit Public Interest.

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Even When Money Grows On Trees, I Will Still Ask Who Planted It

Posted in Culture, Sense, tagged , on September 17, 2010| 2 Comments »

…in my books, 11 years old girls are just too young to own a handphone…even if you have enough duit raya to buy one yourself…wait till you’re 21 ok…public phone got what?????…

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Nina, my dear Facebook Friend, put up a status that got me thinking today.

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My initial response was: “I told my Monchies, until they have a steady job to pay the monthly bill, they have no rights to ‘luxury’.”

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And then I got thinking, that as parents we always try to compensate for the very thing we cannot give our kids. Time. We buy them cellphones, for instance, with the excuse that in emergency situations they can call us easily. Or even in non-emergency situations, it enables us to communicate with our kids worry-free.

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But in any situation, do we really communicate with our children? Do we listen to them? The phone enables us to hear them, yes. But can they really talk to us, heart to heart, on the phone and off the phone? Do we take time to communicate with them?

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Also, as parents, every time we buy our kids something ‘big’, we justify the purchase with, “Oh when I was your age, my parents could not afford this. But now at YOUR age, I can. So I get it. So you get it.”

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But then again, I got thinking…what would our kids say to their kids? And the thought scared me as I realized that luxury can do a lot of damage to character building. How are we going to teach them to be humble when they are so used to having everything? And not just everything, but everything NICE.

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As cliche as it may sound, “If it is too easy, it never lasts.” my mother was right. And so I am sticking to my principle that, unless you earn it, you don’t deserve it.

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And that is also MY reason for not believing in this Duit Raya custom. I apologize if it offends those who take it as a charity. But I see it as a way of teaching our children to have unrealistic expectations. We do not give money for nothing, nor do we get money for ‘free’. Being a good person is not something that you get paid for. Well, not in this life anyway.

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Me Monchies have been asking why they are given money on Hari Raya. Other than saying that it is the culture of and custom for Hari Raya, I do tell them that it is a ‘donation’. Kitreena is happy to receive Duit Raya, but she has been asking, “Mom, I am not an orphan and I am not poor. But why do I get donation?” So I told her, that people just feel like ‘giving’. And like usual, she always has the last why.

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Anyway, the way I raise my Monchies, I want them to see that money is earned. That’s the reality for us adults, and that’s the way reality should be for children. Otherwise, I should expect Duit Raya from my family, friends, foes, and those Dunkin Donuts‘ cashiers at Ikano.

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Semoga…

Posted in Sense, tagged on September 8, 2010| 8 Comments »

Dengan rasa rendah hati dan penuh penghargaan, saya mengucapkan ribuan terima kasih bagi pihak Virgo Batik Resort, Lumut, kepada:

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  • Dzulfitri Yusoff,
  • Danial Jazmy Jamzuri
  • Amirudin Dunia
  • Imillya Irwani Roslan dan Syed Yaamin
  • Isma Zuriyya Ismail dan Mazli Abd Rahman
  • Hafiza Sanusi

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… diatas sumbangan ikhlas teman-teman saya ini menjayakan Majlis Berbuka Puasa bersama Warga Kompleks Manabi’ul Ulum, Madrasah Batu 10, Lekir, Perak, yang telah berlangsung dengan jayanya pada 5hb September 2010.

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Although you were not with us at Virgo Batik Resort that night, given the short notice and the long distance, I am happy to ‘report’ that your love was there among the smiling faces of Anak-Anak Yatim, Warga Emas dan Golongan Kurang Berkemampuan.

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Tak terganti penghargaan saya ini dengan sekadar ungkapan Terima Kasih. Doa saya semoga Tuhan memberkati usaha dan sumbangan kita. InsyaAllah.

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Do It Raya Melangpow

Posted in Culture, Monchies, Sense, tagged on September 2, 2010| 6 Comments »

Kitreena saw the ‘Duit Raya’ (Ang Pow) envelopes I got from Dunkin Donuts the other day. Thinking that there was already money in them, she started this whole debate:

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Kitreena: Mom, the money in these envelopes… is it yours or Dunkin Donut’s?

Mom: There’s no money in there.

Kitreena: Ohh? I thought Dunkin Donut’s already put money in them.

Mom: Ishhh bertuah!

Kitreena: What do you mean ‘bertua’?

Mom: If they put money in those envelopes and gave it to us, why did we have to pay for the mini donuts? The donuts should’ve been free.

Kitreena: So you are going to put your money in the envelopes Mom?

Mom: Nope! I don’t believe in giving money to just anyone for no reason.

Kitreena: But it’s Hari Raya Mom?

Mom: So what? Money is money, Raya or not.

Kitreena: You can give people money because they come to our house on Hari Raya.

Mom: They don’t have to be paid to come. The only people I pay for coming to my house are the pizza guys, Monch. If I really want to give away money, I go to people who need help. I don’t just give it to people who come begging or hoping for money.

Kitreena: But the money can be like a ‘thank you’.

Mom: But I can just say it with a smile.

Kitreena: Yeah, but… they can take the money and save it.

Mom: Yeah, if they save it. If they use it to buy silly toys?

Kitreena: Oh yeaaaah.You never give me money on Raya either.

Mom: Because I save it for your schooling. And instead of giving money on Hari Raya to kids who have enough of everything, I can save the money to buy food for the orphans, you know.

Kitreena: So what are you going to put in the envelopes Mom?

Mom: Uh… donuts?

Kitreena: Mommmmm! *giggles and roles her eyes to her mommy’s silliness*

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Mereka Merdeka

Posted in Culture, Sense, Travel, tagged on August 31, 2010| 2 Comments »

Much has been said about and on this Merdeka Day. Almost way too much. It has, like any other celebrations, become too commercialized for me to comprehend at times. When moderately and modestly done, nonetheless, this whole Merdeka event does bring tears to some eyes. Mine included.

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This Merdeka…I have no flag flying for the first time in the last few years. My Jalur Gemilang is still in the shipment, finding its way to St. Petersburg Port. And I have no idea when it is going to make its gemilang sailing towards Port Klang. But I am here. Dengan gilang-gemilang. Dan dengan hati yang merdeka. Saya di sini. I am home. And that’s all that matters this Merdeka.

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So today, in the spirit of Independence… I am taking my precious Malaysian Canadian children to Banting in the hope to see a little bit of some real kampung that I have not seen before. Who knows, maybe this is a prelude to our next Kampung Adventure Gear comes Raya. (I know for sure we will be in Cha’ah for Deepavali.)

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And while I follow my Garmin GPS to pick up my rider buddy, Ida Biker in Cheeding – no kidding and no cheating here – I am going to have some serious thoughts on Merdeka. Maybe I can come up with quotes like:

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  • “To free a nation, free the people from dirty toilets.”
  • “An independent nation is a nation who uses the public toilet just like their own private toilet.”
  • “Bukti kemerdekaan terletak pada kebersihan minda dan tandas kita.”
  • “Merdekakanlah minda kita dengan memerdekakan tandas kita dari jajahan kekotoran.”
  • “Tandas anda mencerminkan kemerdekaan minda anda.”
  • “Negara telah mengambil masa 53 tahun untuk membersihkan minda kita. Tetapi tandas kita tidak turut serta. Serang!”

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Well, you see… I have my own Merdeka Mission for next year already! The clue is : Education, Education, Education!

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Out Of Me

Posted in Sense, tagged on August 28, 2010| 2 Comments »

He was increasingly naughty yesterday, getting himself into one trouble after another. So when he got a time-out and a ‘loving’ little spanking from Mommy, he just could not stop crying. And equally as frustrated, I just sat there looking at Edrick crying that ugly cry he always successfully does to annoy anyone looking.

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“Mommy, could you squeeze the naughtiness out of me please?”

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Which I did. And which miraculously cured him.

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Come to think of it… I have this lingering sadness hanging from my heart and down from my eyelids that just doesn’t want to go away. It has been days. One after another. But I have not been able to squeeze the sadness out of me.

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Should I go looking for that one little squeeze to squeeze this sadness out of Enida?

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Sorry Selorry

Posted in Grammaticalizationism, Sense, tagged on August 27, 2010| 4 Comments »

It has nothing to do with my ego, but I don’t say sorry unless I mean it. From as simple as saying sorry when I accidentally hit something or someone, to saying sorry when I hurt somebody’s feelings. I say sorry when I mean it. Only.

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So when she said sorry because she couldn’t speak English in front of an English-speaking audience who was going to potentially make donation to the orphanage she was representing… I felt awfully sorry for myself for not knowing her much sooner. I could have given her a mini course on Public Speaking and Communication, or some translation service… courtesy of Enida Consultancy & Services.

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But then, she could have asked for help if she had done her homework. Afterall there were Bahasa-and-English-speaking committee members who could have translated her speech. She could have done it in both languages. The expat donors could have paid more attention and be more enthusiastic about where their money was going.

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The other thing I was sorry about was when she had to apologize for what the orphanage didn’t have, for the condition of the orphans and for everything else that was no fault of hers!

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“Saya mintak maaf lah atas semua yang serba kekurangan dari pihak Rumah Anak Yatim XYZ ini.”

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Well, logically, if the orphanage had everything it needed, nobody would have organized such charity event, would’ve they? But that’s beside the point! I simply think people apologize and say sorry when they don’t know what else to say.

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Yes, humility is my number one policy. That was why it was almost embarrassing when my name was mentioned as the contributor who rounded the collection that night to the seventh grand of Ringgit.

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Even that is beside the point. Just imagine this:

“Saya minta maaf kepada tuan-tuan, puan-puan, saudara-saudari yang membaca Questa e Enida, kerana saya tidak memiliki kereta BMW di usia saya yang menjangkau 50-an ini. Saya juga tidak berkerjaya hebat dengan syarikat minyak dari Belanda, jadi maafkanlah saya yang berada dalam keadaan yang serba kekurangan ini.”

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I sound almost ungrateful if I am adamant on counting what I am not yet blessed with, don’t I? Uh am I exaggerating it, or do I actually have a point here?

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Well, whatever it is that is beside the point… I am not sorry for not sleeping at all the last 25 hours. I am especially NOT sorry for having two happy and healthy Monchies who are very interested in visiting orphanages to hear about ‘babies being put in a basket and left on the doorstep’ stories.

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Postlude:

Dan saya tidak merasa sedikit pun kekesalan di malam itu apabila berada di dalam dewan yang sama dengan Mrs. X (Mrs. Shower Cap). Malah saya berasa sangat terharu akan diri saya yang sudah tidak merasa apa-apa pun apabila memandang beliau yang nampaknya dikurniakan kesihatan yang agak berlapis-lapis.

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Enida Berada

Posted in Sense, tagged , on August 18, 2010| 2 Comments »

I must have been seven then and I remember specifically asking my dad what ‘class’ we belonged to. Whether we were Orang Kaya or Orang Miskin (The Rich or The Poor). You know how it was as a child, we had this funny urge to belong and to fit in, hoping that we were the hierarchical toppers. When I asked dad the question, I remember looking specifically at our bathroom door almost feeling sorry that it didn’t even look like a door.

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But perhaps it was that door that made dad think we were in a class of our own. He said we were neither kaya nor miskin. We were Orang Berada‡.  Because we had a house. We had a bathroom. And our bathroom did have a door no matter how unlike a door it looked like. We had money. It was barely enough but we had money when we had it. We had wheels. Riding on dad’s bicycle was definitely faster than walking. We had food on the table. Though we didn’t really have a dining table. We sat on the floor around our food at mealtimes. But we had a floor of the house. And we had a house.

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Most of all, said dad, we had the will to better ourselves so no one would call us The Poor. I learned it from my dad that we didn’t have to have all, to have it all. We had it all figured out and today we are okay. We are our all. Each other.

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Orang Berada‡ loosely translates to ‘people who have (everything)’

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