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Port of Call.

Her battle was lost during the last year of her beautiful life. She lost it. Her memory. She used to collect everything she could collect. She used to keep everything she could keep. Just so she could hang on to everything she could hang on to. So she wouldn’t forget. So she would remember it all.

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And then she forgot it all. She lost it all. She even forgot where she was. All she could hang on to was her name and where she met the love of her life. All she remembered was where she was when she was young and when she was in love.

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She was in the Port of Dickson’s. She was in love.

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And that was the last beach I took her to, on which she walked as though she knew it was her last walk on the beach. I think she knew it. What she didn’t know was where the love of her life had been. It was all gone before she could let it go. And then she let go.

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She left.

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Change Change Changed

The last visit to Calgary, for me, was between November 2006 and January 2007. So this visit, over three years later is to see a changed woman. A changed-for-the-much-better woman who now knows how to take. I am done giving.

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So give me, Questa è Enida, a big applaud… tuan-tuan, puan-puan sidang pembaca sekalian. Yes, termasuklah Puan Shower Cap yang membaca. Ahak ahak! Sepertilah tidak ku tahu ya?

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I was young and stupid too, once. But I was done being stupid at 26. I suppose some people just began being. Bah!

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Ex

The whole visit was intended for THE day. So we were all supposedly geared up for Mom’s 80th Birthday Celebration on Saturday April the 11th. We arrived on the Saturday week before, ready to battle the jetlag head-on. We lost our heads in the process, but I would like to believe we actually won. I still went to bed 5 o’clock in the morning Calgary time. Just like I do at 5 o’clock in the morning Moscow time. If consistency is the key, I won big time.

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Three days in Calgary that is in GMT -7, we tested yet our superjetlag power by going back 2 hours of time zone on a 4-hour flight east. Ottawa was happy to see us for two nights.

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Anyway, I must admit… no matter how much I was gearing myself up for Mom’s big celebration, I was in no mood to socialize. Honestly! And since when does an 80th birthday celebration not come with socializing? Mom was expecting close to 100 guests of families, friends, foes and foie gras. She’s more popular than yours truly. What do I expect? She has lived long enough to be the mother of popularity herself!

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My Facebook status prior to the event – held at the Delacour Community Hall – was ranging and changing between:

  • Enida wishes she could cut today out and paste it somewhere else.
  • Enida is telling herself that THIS will be over in 3 long hours.
  • Enida actually ENJOYED the three dragging hours! Oh my God!

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Yes, you read it right, all right! I actually enjoyed the socializing event with most of the almost 100 guests who turned up to wish Mom what she has been wished 79 times before. There were a few relatives I was looking forward to see. There were many whom I never saw before and probably never will see again.

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But most of all, I proved it to myself one more time, perhaps the 2571st time that I am not a true introvert. I am just not! I do get my energy from people. From socializing. But how did I not listen to myself this last 2570 times? I dragged my feet, I dragged my anchor, and I had to drag my boobies if they were the size of papayas… all these years to still work harder than steel to convince myself, I am an exhibitionist. Uh, I mean… an extrovert.

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What’s Missing

I’ve been missing. And I’ve been missing myself too, other than writing. The goings have kept on going, you’re right. My thoughts have kept up. And yeah, they are probably 14 hours ahead of what my body can take. But what has been on my mind is you. Do you read me?

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You, Me and Yesterday

Among the sentences that have been playing in my mind of late, the one that has stabbed me right in the middle of my temporal lobes, cutting me clean between the heart, the mind and the soul is…

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“Wajahmu menikam memperlahankan waktu…”

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Memperlahankan waktu?
Hmmmm… no wonder I’ve been feeling like I have been sent back to yesterday. And you’re not there.

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If only I could kiss that frown away…

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For An Azalea…

For an azalea
so rare and so few, Mom…
I knew not how to love you.

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So I’ve loved you like I knew.
I’ve loved you like a Rose, so blue.
For I am as rare… as you.

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Enida
April 2, 2010
Pokrovsky Khilma
Ulitsa Beregovaya Tri

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A special thank-you to my Swiss-Italian Rose… Sis Anahid Rose Lombard in Lugano.

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And a special ‘Happy Birthday’ wish with lots of love, hugs and kisses to Afreena Mariessa, my first niece, a petite rose, from Aunty Nid.

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Dear Sisters,
I was quick to have suspected Kitreena to begin the hitting. And when I read this email from Tia’s mom, I felt bad and relieved both at the same time! I felt bad for having the doubt that my gentle Kitreena would be the one to lose it. In fact, I grilled her to tell me what she did to Tia. Well, she did kick Tia on a leg. But that was because Tia hit Kitreena first with a swimming bag – right on the face!

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If I were to tell a tale, so be it. And if I were to believe only the one side of the story, so what? But according to Kitreena, it all started with Tia teasing, calling her ‘a baby’. Kitreena asked Tia to stop many times, but Tia kept at it. It was either Kitreena kicked the teaser on the leg first, or said something equally hurtful that triggered Tia to whip Kitreena in the face… I wouldn’t know. But in a way, it was a relief that Kit stood up for herself to the bully.

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Yes it has been going on for a while. As much as I was very concerned with the disturbing stories Kit came home crying about, I was just going to let these kids learn to resolve their issues. Both Kristy (Tia’s Mom) and I noticed right from day one, that the two girls are simply too similar in characters and personality to suit each other. But again, we thought all they needed was time.

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I noticed Kitreena was growing uneasy and almost ‘malas’ when she had to walk with Tia to school. It was like she was looking forward to days when Tia was not well, or days when they had different after-school activities. Kitreena seriously was needing a break. And I… I wasn’t listening close enough.

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And now this. It didn’t surprise me, but I take it as a sign that I need to learn to listen to Kitreena and listen for what she is not able to tell. Today, Friday, Tia is throwing a birthday party at The Pokrovsky Hall that is going to be turned into a Hawaiian Luau. Kitreena is not interested whatsoever. Point blank-cold turkey-drop dead-get lost kind of not interested. The whole hall can turn into Hawaiian Kingdom, for all she cares. She even gave me an excuse that she is definitely going to be too tired to go. She needs to go to bed early, she said. Since we’re leaving Pokrovsky at 4am for the airport Saturday. Chissss! Nampak sangat!

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I have yet to talk to Kristy and Scott. But I have decided that the girls should not be walking to and from school together from now on. Not for quite a while, at least. They obviously need some space, and some time – away from each other.

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I sound so lah serious tulis email ni kan?

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Heheheheheheheeh! I love you girls!

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Makcik Garang Rumah #9,
Me. Yes, me!
Questa è Enida.

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Edrick: Is it Monday yet?

Mommy: Oh it’s already Tuesday, Monchie.

Edrick: Yeah, but is it Monday yet?

Mommy: Yes, for this week. Yesterday was Monday. Today is already Tuesday.

Edrick: So do I go to school on Tuesday?

Mommy: No. Not on Tuesday.

Edrick: Do I go on Monday?

Mommy: Yes you do. You went to school yesterday.

Edrick: But you said it’s already Monday for this week.

Mommy: Yes. And that was yesterday.

Edrick: So it’s already Monday. I have to go to school, Mom.

Mommy: Not today. Your Monday school is all done. You go again next Monday okay?

Edrick: Oh, never mind!

Mommy: Huh? Well… okay. Never mind then.

Edrick: Mom, what does never mind mean?

Mommy: It means ‘fine’. Or ‘it’s okay’.

Edrick: No. That’s not correct. Never mind means you don’t want to answer anymore.

Mommy: Okay. Never mind!

Edrick: See?

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Mommy gave Edrick her sheepish smile, walked away trying very hard not to laugh at her own bluff.

She failed.

Big time!

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Face It

It was a stroll along The Old Arbat Street on an easy Sunday morning looking for some Russian souvenirs to bring home. All I had in mind were those colorful matriyoshka dolls and the list of families, friends, foes, fans and foei gras. And oh, of course Facebookers. I had one particular person on my mind, but he is a long story. Longer than the list I had. So, not today.

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I wasn’t looking around or anything when I saw the face on the street. The one face that caught my eyes instantly. We exchanged what felt shorter than a glimpse, but longer than a gaze. I looked away, naturally, just a micro-second after our eyes met in a strange contact. And as strange as strangers that we were, I looked at him again, looking for another strange connection of some sort. And that, only to find that he did the same.

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I bet you can see it from the way I am now struggling to describe it all… but our eyes, Mr. Stranger’s and mine, met again. And that second glance made it feel like I had known him for… ever.

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He nodded. A nod to which I smiled.  When his whole face just bloomed like an open tulip, he gave me one of the most beautiful springs to remember. Still wearing the smile, I lowered my gaze in the softest nod I had ever strangely given as he kept his eyes on mine. His smile wasn’t so much on his lips. He did it all with his eyes. His glance turned to a gaze and a gaze turned into a wordless conversation from across the street. The Old Arbat Street.

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We kept on walking on paths that I knew for sure were not going to cross with each other – although we were going in the same direction. Neither of us could tell, then, if we had met before, or would ever meet again. But when he stopped a few steps away ahead of me only to turn back to find my eyes again… I knew, that I knew him. It was then that I caught him catching a deep breath almost in a relief to have found me.

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The tulip smile on his lips was now a sunflower on his masculine but sweet face. And I didn’t know what to do with such brightness! So I waved at him with just one open palm, a ‘motionlessly’ quick wave to let him know I acknowledged him. The moment I thought I couldn’t be touched deeper by a gesture, he ‘caught’ my wave like one would catch a flying kiss, and he brought his hand to his chest.

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Two seconds later as I was walking past him in what felt like forever, he gave me one lingering smile. A sunny smile, at each miro-second was growing brighter than the one before. And with one clutched hand on his chest holding my wave, he closed his eyes as though he was trying to freeze the moment. When he opened his eyes, he took another deep breath. His gaze then told mine that we would meet again someday. He nodded as he opened his palm on his chest reassuring me that I would be save there. In the most silent space of his being.

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I thought I’d died and gone to heaven. There and then. On the Old Arbat Street. Maybe it wasn’t just a stroll on an easy Sunday morning after all.

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Postlude:

Would you believe me if I said that this really happened to me?

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Like I Do

I am convinced.

I have lived and loved long enough to know that nobody can love like I do. Nobody. Blessed are those who have been loved by me. Blessed are those who have been loved by me and have appreciated my love. Blessed are those who have not, all the same.

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Blessed be those who have loved me the way I have loved. No matter whom they love in return. For I am convinced, nobody has loved me like I do.

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Not even the one I love.

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Not even.

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