However incapacitated my thoughts are by my words, I am telling my truth. And you… you don’t know what lies can do to you until you’re wearing my shoes. I have big feet, but my heart is bigger. I have walked away, but I let you stay.
.
.
.
I felt so merajuk today that I Googled for my own old entries on my merajuk bouts. And I saw a pattern. I actually merajuk every December 20th. It has been three years of merajuk December 20th’s. The last happy December 20th I had was in 2008, when I surprised my Mom with a cake. She wasn’t all that surprised, I think. But she was the happiest I had seen. It was her 60th birthday. Her last.
.
I still merajuk that Mom left too soon. She was my best listener who believed that no matter how harsh I had become, I was her refined treasured gem. I was her Intan. No matter how miserable I looked or sounded, I was her best sight and her favorite sound. I sang the best ‘Sayang Di Sayang’ — better than ten Kartina Dahari’s put together. To her.
.
I merajuk so much because I have to spend the rest of my life finding love from someone who can take my beginning as well as my ending. Someone who can love me in between, and love me in the end when love itself ends. And in the depth of my rajuk, I got thinking… maybe it wasn’t Mom that I saw was the happiest on December 20th, 2008. It was me. And there’s no more.
.
.
Posted in Inside Enida, Mom | 2 Comments »
For the next few days, I am going to be doing a few things I have not done before. I am going to a place I have not been to for twenty long years. Please pray for me. Pray that my mind is clear, my thoughts are positive, my words are kind, and my heart is open.
.
I am flying solo.
.
.
.
I keep you posted. And if I don’t… I’ll keep you waiting.
🙂
.
.
Posted in Travel, Write On | Leave a Comment »
I let him play his Chop Chop Caveman game on my iPad for one afternoon to compensate for Kitreena’s hogging the computer. It wasn’t his first time, but he knows, and his sister knows that my iPad is not a toy. And Mommy is never that ‘generous’ with the things she works hard for. So, when the time was up — and that is 6pm every Sunday evening when Monchies’ playtime is over — he asked:
.
Edrick: Mommy, could you give me your iPad when you die?
Mommy: Huh? *thinks that this could be a do-or-die question*
Edrick: Could you give me your iPad when you die?
Mommy: But I am not gonna die for a looong time yet.
Edrick: But Mommm… I really like your iPad. It’s so cool!
Mommy: Yeah, but by the time I die you’re gonna have a good-paying job and you’ll get something better than iPad.
Edrick: But Mom… *he looks at Mommy in a slightly longer pause than usual*
Mommy: Uhummm?
Edrick: But Mommm, when you die… we have to get rid of all your clothes, right?
Mommy: Nahhh! Don’t just get rid of them. Sell them, Monch. Make some money out of it.
Edrick: Oh, okay!
.
I might be sending a not-so-nice message to me Monchies about money and death. But I believe that death is a part of life and the biggest lesson of letting go. Edrick remembers what I did with my Mom’s clothes two years ago. He was with me when KaCher and I sent those boxes to HUKM. He enjoyed sealing the boxes with packing tapes while I was busy sealing the memories with many many kisses.
.
To heaven.
.
.
Happy Sixth Birthday to My Six Million Dollar Little Big Man
on November 30, 2011.
.
.
.
.
Posted in Monchies | Tagged Parenting | 1 Comment »
I cook. But almost every time I say that I do cook, I get a funny look. A doubtful look. And it always comes down to my look. I don’t have the look of someone who cooks, or someone who even knows how to cook. So they say.
.
And almost every time I get that funny, doubtful look from those who do not believe that I do cook or I do know how to cook… I feel the urge to prove that I don’t only cook, but I am a hardcore kampung cook. (People think I’m a city mouse.)
.
I eat stinky things: petai, rebung, tempoyak, jeruk maman, you name it. I eat rotten preserved food as well: ikan pekasam, telur asin, kulat sisir, any moldy but edible food… I am bound to give it a try, and more often than not, will like it.
.
What surprised me today, though, was not what I can eat or cook. It was my retained ability to use the kampung kitchen tool that I haven’t used for more than 30 years. I even have one at home — that I packed to Australia, Oman, Italy, Canada, Russia and back to Malaysia — for wall decor.
.
.
.
There I was, at one corner of the anjung dapur, menampi beras pulut hitam destined to be bubur for our minum petang. And my mind was already busy thinking of the other traditional kitchen tool I have not used since I fled that fateful fire of Padang Masirat.
.
I am on a quest for a good set of batu giling now.
.
.
Posted in Culture, Nostalgia | 3 Comments »
Monchies were having a conversation about their Bahasa teacher and kept referring to her as “The Bahasa Teacher”. So I asked Kitreena what this Bahasa teacher’s name was.
.
Kitreena: I don’t know, Mom.
Mommy: How come? You took Bahasa last year. What did you call her then?
Kitreena: I asked, but she just wanted us to call her cekgu.
Mommy: Cekgu? You mean cikgu?
Kitreena: No! Cekgu. *emphasizes on the sound: check-goo instead of chick-goo*
.
My KaCher and I exchanged that ‘oooohhh-so-classic-lah-your-bahasa-pronunciation’ look and I must admit, I had Cekgu Markonah in my mind.
.
.
.
Posted in Monchies | Tagged Parenting | 1 Comment »
My tooth chipped on Saturday. Gigi saya serpih hari Sabtu lepas. I was enjoying the thick-cut fish crackers when a little piece decided to get in between my premolars. Nikmat betul saya mengunyah keropok tebal itu apabila…
.
Errr, I was going to write this post in two languages alternately. But this is the farthest I think the bahasa part should go. It doesn’t sound right when it got to the word ‘apabila‘. Can we just pogedid?
.
So my tooth chipped on Saturday when I was enjoying the thick-cut keropok Intan that was so fishy and addictive. It’s just a tiny bit, probably smaller than a quarter of the tooth and it’s just the surface.
.
But guess what? My speech is now impaired because of that little chip! I started noticing it when I was on the phone with my Fruit of The Heart the other day. He could not make out half of what I was saying — my ‘s’ sound was just too airy. And my saliva, in 24 hours, is enough to fill up the fish pond that my family is now excavating for in the kampung.
.
Oh no! I am turning into a lisper!
.
Shhhayanggg, zhap lagi lepashhh zhumpa dentishhht I call you shhhemula, kay shhhayanggg? Yeshhh, I promishhh.
.
.
Posted in Write On | Leave a Comment »
Dear ladies and gentlemen who have requested to be on my Facebook friends list, could you please have the courtesy of introducing your GOOD selves to Enida? Please. Thank you for the honor, but I don’t know everybody. And I don’t think I can know everybody.
.
In my years of teaching, coaching, training, speaking and blogging, I might have spoken to, met, seen, touched, laughed at, smiled to, been read and touched by, smooched, slapped and kicked a few Fadzillahs, Soo Lins, Azuras, Letchumis, Khairils, Khairuls, Ridzuans, Ah Bengs, Aruns, and a few Michaels and Michelles here and there. In fact, I did karate a few Al-Balooshis and Al-Harthys back in the Arabian Peninsula between the year 2000 and 2005.
.
So, do justice to — no one else but — yourselves. Introduce yourselves, please. You don’t expect me to be able to tell the difference between Iwan the Dangdut composer/singer and Iwan the cute boy from my Prep Course in Kuantan with your profile picture of a cat licking its balls, do you?
.
.
.
Posted in Facebook, Sense | Leave a Comment »
Lu nak cakap pasal susah, lu pandang belakang dulu lah beb. Apa benda dalam hidup lu yang susah? Memang lah mak bapak lu bukan orang kaya, tapi berapa banyak orang kaya yang sediakala kaya? Kebanyakannya pun asalnya susah jugak. Tapi yang membezakan orang susah dengan orang senang ialah usaha dan syukur.
.
Bila susah sikit, lu tak mau. Lu kira nak senang aja. Lu lari. Lu pilih jalan senang. Lu ingat selamanya lu boleh senang ke? Lu belajar pandai, sekolah tinggi, lu pikir lah sendiri. Orang lain yang dah senang sekarang, semuanya sebab dulu diorang pun susah jugak. Lu ingat senang ke nak senang? Jalan-jalan terpijak harta karun, jalan-jalan terpijak duit sekepuk.
.
Gua tau lu banyak rancangan nak senang. Gua tau susahnya lu nak senang. Lu ingat gua tak pernah susah ke? Lu ingat gua senang hari ni sebab gua dah ditakdirkan hidup senang ke? Lu ingat sekarang gua dah senang, gua sentiasa senang ke? Lu ingat gua tak ada susah ke? Beras gua turun dari langit macam hujan, sayur tumbuh sendiri dalam peti ais, ayam ikan daging semua mintak David Copperfield ke?
.
Gua nampak senang sebab gua tak pernah mengeluh gua susah. Kalau gua mengeluh pun, lu ingat ada orang nak tolong ke? Tambah-tambah orang yang menyampah tengok gua senang sebab diorang rasa diorang patut senang macam gua. Gua nangis bila gua susah lu ingat ada orang tau ke? Ada orang nak kesian ke? Orang kutuk lagi ada. Padan muka gua.
.
Sebab tu gua menyampah tengok lu mengeluh susah. Sebab tu gua rasa lu tak senang-senang. Sebab masa senang tu datang, lu tak sebut pun. Tapi masa susah, macam lah Tuhan tu langsung tak pernah kasi lu senang. Kalau masa senang pun lu tak reti bersyukur, apatah lagi masa lu susah. Gua jamin lu menyumpah-nyumpah. Lu bengang bila tak ada orang tolong. Terutamanya gua ni yang lu anggap sentiasa senang. Gua kedekut, gua berkira. Apa yang gua dah kasi selama hari ni ada lu kira ke beb?
.
Macam ni lah, gua kasi lu tau satu rahsia ok. Kalau lu nak senang, sebenarnya senang aja. Lu tak boleh kedekut. Masa lu ada, lu kena kongsi apa yang lu ada. Lu tak boleh makan sorang. Tuhan, kalau dia nak uji lu… selalunya bukan masa susah. Tapi masa lu senang. Dia nak tengok, lu kongsi tak kesenangan lu tu dengan orang yang pernah kongsi kesenangan dia dengan lu. Terutamanya Mak bapak lu, kawan-kawan lu yang banyak tolong lu.
.
Pendek kata, senang cerita… kalau lu ada hutang, bila lu ada duit, lu bayar lah oi. Entahkan orang yang kasi lu pinjam pun ada hutang dia sendiri jugak. Dia pun mau bayar hutang dia. Dia ada duit, lu mintak tolong, dia tolong lu. Masa lu ada duit, lu diam-diam je ke? Masa nak pinjam dulu macam-macam janji lu buat, siap dengan plan skim bayar-balik bulan-bulan ok. Bila lu dah dapat duit, tiba-tiba lu buat macam orang hilang ingatan pulak. Lu apa hal beb?
.
.
Posted in Sense | 2 Comments »
-
In Her Words…
In Her Thoughts…
In Her Time…
In Her Search…
In Her Count...
- 155,195 hits
In Her Mind…
-
Join 85 other subscribers
-
https://www.w3counter.com/tracker.js?id=151113
Questa è Enida 