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Terasa seperti ingin membasuh jiwa.
Bersih dari cinta yang tak perlu.
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Posted in Hurt | Tagged Life | 2 Comments »
It really is 4.59am and I really am still awake starting to write this entry. Or is it? Or am I? Or is this just an illusion of what life would have been like had I chosen a different path?
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I have been thinking lately. No, I have been thinking a lot lately. No, no, I have been thinking a lot more than usual, lately. And I have been thinking a lot, thinking so much… so much so, I can’t feel. There is this silent war that I have been quietly mediating between the mind and the heart.
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But really, all I have been is forgetting. After being in this battlefield for as long as I wish I couldn’t remember, I just forget to ask for help. And now that I have self-discovered what I can do to self-help, I have set an appointment with myself this Wednesday at 3.30pm with neither the chance of re-scheduling nor cancelling.
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I’m dealing with healing.
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Posted in Hurt | Tagged Growing Pains | Leave a Comment »
Besok pagi saya akan menggagahkan hati untuk ke hospital di mana emak saya dirawat, lama sebelum keberangkatan beliau bertemu Pencipta. Agak banyak juga bekalan lampin pakai-buang dewasa yang tersisa. Hendaknya menjadi sekelumit bantuan di Wad 4 Lantai 6 hospital tersebut yang kafeterianya berdinding ungu.
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Hati saya yang kurang gagah ini sebenarnya bimbang. Kalau-kalau ada yang lebih tidak gagah. Seperti mata saya yang bundar ini. Maka entry ini adalah sebagai Peringatan Lembut supaya saya besok jangan memakai mascara. Kalau pakai juga, nescaya jenama Revlon tidak akan mengambil saya menjadi duta mascara mereka. Malah mengeluarkan bi-product berjenama Raccoon.
..
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Posted in Mom | 4 Comments »
Sebaiknya saya pejamkan saja mata saya ini. Tidur, dan buang semua lelah. Malam sudah membawa ke pagi. Seperti sebaiknya saya pejamkan saja hati saya untuk cinta. Tutup semuanya. Jangan ada yang tiris masuk. Jangan ada yang tumpah ke luar. Penatnya hati saya menjaga cinta, tak terlambai tangan mohon dibalas.
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Sudahnya, seperti malam yang membawa ke pagi itu… cinta saya hilang di simpanan. Saya lah juga masih di situ. Memberi pada yang tidak menghargai. Dan apabila cinta pulang, yang hilang itu saya. Saya rupanya berpaling walau tak terus pergi. Cinta yang pulang itu tumpahnya tak saya sambut lagi. Entah serik, entah merajuk, entah kan memang tak dapat saya adakan. Dasar hilang di simpanan, begitulah. Ada yang tiada.
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Tidak mahu sembuh-sembuh luka saya ini rupanya. Tidak mahu pulih hanya dengan menjadi Enida yang begitu sejak 1998. Dua belas tahun menjadi Enida yang itu… sudahnya, selain dua anugerah syurga, telah saya jadi sebuah ruang kosong. Tak ada jendelanya, tapi telah dia memandang ke luar. Tak ada pintunya, tapi telah dia melangkah pergi. Tak ada warnanya, tapi tak juga ada cahaya. Terang yang menggelapkan jiwa.
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Haruskah saya terus diam di situ hanya untuk tidak menjadi Enida yang baru?
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Posted in Hurt | Leave a Comment »
Peribadi Itu
Menemuinya hari itu
ku tahu dia bukan musuh
kepada musuhnya
tetapi kekasih
kepada dunianya.
Memahaminya hari itu
ku kira dia adalah pencabar
yang mengajak aku menentangnya
dengan mata bersinar
dengan hati berdebar.
Aku tidak lagi merindu
pada si lembut palsu
dialah seberkas peribadi
yang terletak di tengah ruang
dan peribadi itu ku dekati
dengan hormat dan tenang.
Mengingatinya kini
serasa suaranya berulang
memesan ku meneliti
segenap ruang.
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Rahman Shaari
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Posted in Poetry | Tagged Writing | Leave a Comment »
Goodbye is probably the only word I say and never mean. I don’t say goodbye very often anyway. But I can tell you the truth right now that if I say goodbye to you and if I look like I am going to leave you… it’s a lie. I do not mean to leave and I do not leave. I go. But I always come back. And I stay in your heart (or so I wish).
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And so I will not say goodbye to you on June 5th, when I go. I would just tell you what you already know. That I carry you in my heart. That I will be good by the time we’ll meet again. That by then, I will have missed you so much that it won’t do me any good if I keep staying away from you.
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Set your day to Saturday.
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Posted in Write On | Tagged Goodbye | 1 Comment »
Yes I am in Malaysia and enjoying every minute of it! My plans with the superbike and flying class have yet to see the light of day. But today I have been given another hope that Bibik MIGHT make it to Mesra this Sunday!
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I am around if you would like to touch base or make that first contact with me in person. My number is visible on Facebook if you are on my Facebook List. And if you are not, you can email me at enida@mail.com. Otherwise you can always fake a wrong number call to 397 4316 and try to sound like an Ah Pek or Ah So selling Kuih Bakul out of its season.
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And Dr. T, we can always pretend that we enjoy the Teh Ais (tak cukup teh and tak cukup ais) at the hospital’s cafeteria during your tea break one of these afternoons, eh?
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Yes, I will make appearance with my Big Man, at all times (for my own safety).
Posted in Travel | Tagged Friendship | 3 Comments »
Mommy: Edrick we’re going back to Malaysia today.
Edrick: Yayyyy! Mom I like Malaysia.
Mommy: You do, do you? What about Moscow? Wanna go back to Moscow?
Edrick: Not yet.
Mommy: Which one do you like more, Moscow or Malaysia?
Edrick: I like Moscow a lil bit.
Mommy: What about Malaysia?
Edrick: I like Malaysia a lot.
Mommy: So which one do you like more?
Edrick: I already told you Mom!
Mommy: Yeah you did but you didn’t.
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Posted in Monchies | Tagged Parenting | 2 Comments »
Sabtu, 22 Mei, 2010: 1332hrs – Palmyra, WA
Cik Nid: Saya yang dulu nakal ni, yang tak reti bahasa setia ni, sebab ingatkan sungguhlah sayang, sungguhlah cinta… dok tunggu, dok tatang, dok setia. Tak pandang orang lain dah. Tak layan orang lain dah. Punyalah! Sudahnya, cinta, setia, sayang… apa ertinya Cik Nan?
Cik Nan: Hmmmm…
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Sabtu, 22 Mei, 2010: 1455hrs – Booragoon, WA
Cik Nid: Yang ini, saya tak nak sayang, tak nak tunggu, tak nak berharap. Tapi dalam pada saya tak nak sayang, dia belai. Dalam pada tak tunggu, dia datang. Dalam tak berharap, dia ada. Apa ertinya ni semua Cik Nan?
Cik Nan: Mestikah mencari erti?
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Enida pun tiba-tiba berhenti mencari erti.
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Posted in Sense | Tagged Lesson | Leave a Comment »
The day before yesterday I told my best friend, Cik Nan, that I usually write better when I can feel what I am writing about. But came yesterday I realized that I have not been writing about what I had been wanting to write about… because I have not been feeling it.
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In the beginning, this writing and blogging business was about me. About the way I felt. Just the way I felt. However I felt it. But after a while, after feeling so much and writing only what should be written, I drifted away from writing what I wanted to write about. And today, not only that I have stopped writing about what I wanted to write about, and that is the way I feel… but I have also stopped feeling it.
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The way I see it, speaking as-a-matter-of-factly, I only have two choices.
- One: Keep on ‘stopping’ feeling what I am feeling.
- Two: Stop writing about what I am not feeling.
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But I know pretty soon if you won’t do it, I myself will be pestering Enida for a third option. And fourth. In case you asked me how I am feeling now, I would tell you nothing but the truth.
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And the truth is very sad.
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Posted in Hurt | Tagged Writing | 2 Comments »
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