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It Is Well With My Soul

December 18, 2009 by Enida

God works in His mysterious ways to restore me when, in the midst of all hurt and pain I chose to almost drown myself into, He pointed me to an old box to find a piece of paper with this on…

 

“Should you despair over a relationship gone bad;
think of the person who has never known what it’s like to love
and be loved in return.

 

Should you find yourself the victim of other people’s bitterness,
ignorance, smallness or insecurities; remember, things could be worse.
You could be them!”

 

I literally belted up for one good heavenly minute, took the deepest breath I had not taken since October 5th 2008 walking away from the enemy gate, then in great relief belted out… “Oh Enida! God loves you!”

 

Nothing felt better after that than putting the Watsons shower cap on my head, singing to the tune of Ville Du Havre in the shower, and smirking at every little lie someone (has been telling and) has to tell herself through her teeth for the rest of her perfect life to deny her bitterness towards her warehouse-sale-price self, to deny her ignorance, the smallness of her conscience, and her insecurities.

 

Pity.

 

Posted in Hurt, Sense | Tagged | Leave a Comment »

Can I?

December 16, 2009 by Enida

If I am to be blamed for finding what I wasn’t looking for, then if you ever asked why I looked… I would just give you the answer all fools have given, “Because it’s there and because I can.”  The pictures, that is.

 

If I choose to feel the pain this time and be hurt by what I wasn’t supposed to see, then if you ever asked why I kept picking at the scab… I would unashamedly be that human left with no strength and say, “Because it’s there and because I can.” The wound, that is.

 

If I am cornered, left to deal with this emotion no one dares to call it anything else but anger, then if you ever asked why I couldn’t just forget it and move on… I would with no pride say, “Because it’s there and because I can.” The past, that is.

 

And if I just let me be that weak foolish human being unable to move forward, pulled back by painful reminders I didn’t know I was supposed to avoid… then let me make my mistakes. Because I am just a human. Because mistakes are there and I can make them.

 

I don’t hate many people. But because I am just a human today, I hate you. You keep making nothing but the same mistakes. I don’t hate many things either. But because I saw what wasn’t meant for me to see, I hate your mistakes. They keep bringing nothing but pain. (I called them lessons before, those mistakes. But I wasn’t human then.)

 

If you ever cared enough to ask why the hate now, I would just say, “Because it’s there, and I can choose to either live it or leave it.” The pain, that is.

 

 

 

I have not learned my lessons well, have I?
Maybe I should just walk away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Hurt | Tagged , , | 4 Comments »

Dingin Air Yang Beku

December 14, 2009 by Enida

According to the weather forecast, it is going to be 20 degrees well under zero today. When we woke up this morning around 7, it was already -14°C. And at the time of writing this post, Facebook Weather is reporting -18°C in Moscow and “Fair”.

 

Fair? It’s only fair that we have heaters and a fireplace in the house, and have to bundle up if we’re thinking of getting anywhere near the door! Fair thee well!

 

 

It was fairly fun though this morning to tease Kitreena. With a straight face I told her not to stick her tongue out too long in the air during outdoor playtime at school.

 

“Why Mom?”

“Your tongue will freeze, Monch!”

“That’s right.” Daddy added. Now he got me thinking if it was true!

“And no matter what, do not cry! Your tears will freeze out and you can go blind!”

 

Kitreena looked really shocked with this new thing she learned about the subzero weather. Worried, if not scared. Though she was born on a subzero winter night, she had never lived in a four-season place, never had to live a subzero life… walk to school against a subzero biting wind, at least.

 

I don’t know if our tongue or tears can freeze in this weather. But I had to put on a heavy winter jacket just to get close to the garage door this morning – to open it and let me Monchie out, walking to school. I told Kitreena the freezing tongue-and-tears was just a joke. Let’s see if Kitreena’s mothertongue freezes today and she comes home speaking Russian.

 

 

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We’ll Make It Through

December 9, 2009 by Enida

Dear Dove,
I was standing in the corridor just outside the gym waiting for Kitreena to finish her basketball game last Wednesday when I realized it was no fun anymore. Standing in the corridor outside the gym here is not as exciting as standing in the corridor of that school, with you.

 

You and our silly underarm-hair stories. You and the gossip about those parents with their designer-kids. You and our exchange of reminders that although we are no engineers, nor are we ever to be seen wearing a Coach bag on each arm purchased with a split-second decision (and paying for them through our nose credit card scheme for the next 98++ months), we are doing okay.

 

I miss those little ‘Hey you!’ and ‘Don’t hug me, I stink!’ greetings in the morning at the school parking. I hugged you anyway. I miss those little ‘I see you at 3!’ and ‘Don’t drive too fast!’ goodbyes when we walked from the canteen or past the security post. I drove fast and drove you crazy anyway.

 

I can’t make myself sit on those low benches – the kind that they usually have in the gyms – anymore. For I fear I would miss you so much I could cry while watching basketball games. I don’t look around for familiar faces – the way I used to do whenever you saw me – anymore. For I fear I would not find you, miss you even more and for the fear that I would cry anyway.

 

The thing is, I don’t cry anymore. Not the way I used to cry with you. Sad stories were told with smiles on our face back then, when we realized we were just two little doves trying to mend our hearts and fix our wings. No matter how cruel love was treating us, we were saved by each other in that corridor. We kept on flying.

 

And the thing is, I don’t laugh anymore. Not the way I used to laugh with you. Burdens were weightless back then, when we caught ourselves talking about things as silly as unwanted hairs and Panasonic mother-pluckers. No matter how challenging the struggle was to come close to being sane moms, we were comforted by each other’s craziness in that corridor. We kept on going.

 

And the thing is, I don’t try anymore. I don’t try to make new friends, to make things better, to make do with this broken heart of mine, to make fun of heartaches and betrayal stories, to make out what love  is all about, or to make sense of what life is throwing at my face. For peace’s sake, I don’t even try to make peace with my past, present or future!

 

These days I just make a point that those unwanted hairs are plucked, make believe that my voice sounds like an angel singing when I’m yelling, and make sure to chin up and think of you when the corridor seems too long to make pass, walk through, or stand in. And I do make time to stand on my knees and be alone with Him too.

 

Maybe when I am back in Malaysia next time you and I should go for a total makeover eh?

 

 

 

 

Posted in Sense | Tagged | 1 Comment »

Yester Pester

December 9, 2009 by Enida

“All I have, as a matter of stating the painfully obvious, is one life. I have lived it in a way that no clocks can ever put yesterday back into tomorrow.”

 

Did I really write that? Oh my, I sure did!

 

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Tales From The Dark Side

December 8, 2009 by Enida

I let out a sigh saying, “Awwwhhh it’s getting dark now,” to Edrick who came to me at my corner to give Mommy an afternoon hug.

 

“Why is it getting dark, Mom?”

 

“Because it’s four o’clock and it’s winter.”

 

“Then we need to pick up the sun and put it back up over there, Mom!” Edrick pointed at the space between the two blocks of townhouses seen from our dining room window.

 

I could not hold back a chuckle.

 

“I am serious, Mom!”

 

 

I chuckled even louder, thinking…
Who cares about the sun. I have my sunny-side up son right here in my dining room. Seriously!

 

 

Posted in Monchies | Tagged , | 1 Comment »

Unbecoming Enida

December 8, 2009 by Enida

If I could find a picture to manifest the way I feel right now, I would. It would be easier. But I don’t feel like looking for a picture now. No. Not this morning. If I could say it in words, I would type a thousand words more, I assure you I would do that too. But isn’t that what I have been doing?

.

It doesn’t get any easier if you choose to read my words with your thoughts, giving them your meanings. Dare you call me a liar when all I write is about myself? Who do you think you are to tell me how to be Enida? Come then… become me for a day. And write the way I write my thoughts, with the words I see my truth through.

.

If you are reading this, chances are this is not about you. Please don’t flatter yourself. For those who are reading, those who are reading between the lines, and those who aren’t reading… I am just going to copy and paste what my KaCher wrote on her profile about her writing and her needs to write.

.

“I write because I want to, because I feel good doing it, because I can. It doesn’t matter what I write, truth or lies, they all come from a place you wouldn’t know. So if you ever feel at any time that you understand me, save it. You don’t.”

.

I repeat:

“… It doesn’t matter what I write, truth or lies, they all come from a place you wouldn’t know.”

.

Peace to the world, haaiihhh! 🙂

.

Posted in Sense | Tagged | 1 Comment »

Curiosity Cures

December 7, 2009 by Enida

I do not expect one to know everything. I don’t. And as I am very open to learning a little bit of something everyday, I take one day at a time. But not knowing where Moscow is when one is almost 40 however, is very sad for me to digest. Not knowing to Google for it and believing that it is 120km south of Timbuktu, Mali, Africa… is sadder, if not sadistic!

 

Today I just learned that the best and most natural facial scrub is sugar. Just mix a tablespoon of sugar granules to your regular facial cleanser. Wash your face like usual every night with it for a week. It is good to cure dry skin.

 

 

I have yet to learn how to cure dry brain.

 

 

 

Postlude:
Uh, I know for sure what shower caps can keep dry other than hair. Bah!

 

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Nevermindland

December 7, 2009 by Enida

I saw an old old friend on the internet the other day and had a bit of a catching up chat. She didn’t sound like she was all that new to the internet. Well at the very least she knew what Facebook, YM and Google were about.

 

She asked about my present whereabouts. And when I said ‘Moscow’, she responded with, “Kat mana tu?” Huh? I thought she was trying to be funny. So I said, “Oh Moscow is in Mali, just 120km south of Timbuktu.”

 

It was when she went on to ask, “Mali kat mana ye? Bunyi familiar je.” I honestly thought she was joking. So I gave her a matter-of-fact answer ‘Africa’. “Oh so ngko kat Africa lah pulak sekarang ni ye?” Oiiii!

 

“No lah, I am in Moscow.” I repeated myself to see if she was actually a classic case of listening-with-her-knee-cap or was another shower-cap-woman case. “Tadi ngko cakap ngko kat Moscow, Moscow kat Mali. Dah tu, kat Africa lah tu.”

 

“Isssyyy… ngko ni bior benor. Ke ko buat lawak Geography dengan aku ni? Aku kat Moscow. Pernah dengar tak Moscow?”

 

“Tak sure lah. Tu lah ngko! Tak reti duduk satu tempat. Pegi pulak tempat orang tak pernah dengor saper suruh?”

 

I was flabbergasted, lumpygutted and goonyjuted all at once! It was then that I thought of making a lawak Geography to her, “Sebenornye aku kat Chaah je.”

 

“Chaah? Kat mana tu?”

 

Suddenly we got disconnected!

 

Oopsie daisy! Never mind.

 

Posted in Sense | Tagged | 7 Comments »

Ken Lee Meehoon Tulibu Dibu Douchu

December 3, 2009 by Enida

 

 

 

I mast say to know like this Tai Wan Xin Zhu Rice Noodles very mouch espfcially becourse althought it’s not easy break or bumt, it’s not abzorb the souce and spise I putt in with it. I apriciative that it won’t wound my stomach, and I was very worrie it’s going to get angry when it’s hungry like that Mr. McGee don’t make me angry. You don’t like it when I’m angry.

 

Howevery, the spfcialty that scanted me was the sweetness, the smoothness and also the scantiness. So I was extrimly toochsome! Event though it’s robot was aboratively starchy, it’s recomended becaourse of it’s bumtation. I hopped, with the unwounded stomach, it’s smoothing this Tai Wan Xin Zhu Rice Noodles that is mouch the robot product and it’s tooched me!

 

And the best spfcialty that scanted my sweetness the most was it’s good mouch feel I have never having before this want! Beleave me, you will not angry with me or with it’s aborative starch, ever! Until you toochsome of it’s scant and bumt cooking, it won’t get angry and it will smooth your stomach. With that, I live it up to you to try this Tai Wan Xin Zhu Rice Noodles four great spfcialty!

 

I gez just like this Ken Lee Meju More tulibu dibu douchou ken. Very spfcial to me!

 

Posted in Grammaticalizationism | Tagged | 14 Comments »

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