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Ganti

June 8, 2010 by Enida

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I was sending some samples of my poems to a hopefully future editor/publisher when I found this:

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Ganti

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Sengaja aku susun
rindu ini untukmu
dari bulan ke minggu.

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Sengaja aku atur
untukmu rindu ini
dari bulan ke hari.

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Tak sedar
tahun sudah berganti.

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June 18, 2000.
Skycity, Auckland.

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It has been almost ten years. In fact, the poem is only ten days short of celebrating its tenth birthday today. I remember writing this the day before my wedding, alone in my room, thinking of all the could-have-been’s and the would-have-been’s, anticipating all the possibilities and the impossibilities. Though it is for no one in particular, I remember thinking of what I was about to let go.

I had no regrets then.

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I am letting go of all the possibilities and the impossibilities.

I have no regrets now.

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Posted in Poetry | Tagged | Leave a Comment »

Mendua Cinta

June 5, 2010 by Enida

“Janganlah kau bertanya tentang jarak setia. Cintaku ini buktinya, kasih.”

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Sampai gugur rambutku mengenang dikau, dan terpaksa ku beralih kepada formula Rambut Gugur Rejoice 3-dalam-1 baru. Dan sampai gatal hidungku menghidu bau hamis Nasi Kambing di Restoran Musafir. Kerana dikau lah itu. Dan juga sampai ku tertidur berendam airmata hingga ke pagi mendakap Bolster, bantal gulingku, mengenang dikau. Rindu.

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Oh Kitreena Enida Johnson, monchyku!

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Posted in Monchies | Tagged | 2 Comments »

Bersih

June 3, 2010 by Enida

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Terasa seperti ingin membasuh jiwa.
Bersih dari cinta yang tak perlu.

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Posted in Hurt | Tagged | 2 Comments »

On My Way

June 1, 2010 by Enida

It really is 4.59am and I really am still awake starting to write this entry. Or is it? Or am I? Or is this just an illusion of what life would have been like had I chosen a different path?

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I have been thinking lately. No, I have been thinking a lot lately. No, no, I have been thinking a lot more than usual, lately. And I have been thinking a lot, thinking so much… so much so, I can’t feel. There is this silent war that I have been quietly mediating between the mind and the heart.

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But really, all I have been is forgetting. After being in this battlefield for as long as I wish I couldn’t remember, I just forget to ask for help. And now that I have self-discovered  what I can do to self-help, I have set an appointment with myself this Wednesday at 3.30pm with neither the chance of re-scheduling nor cancelling.

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I’m dealing with healing.

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Posted in Hurt | Tagged | Leave a Comment »

Mata Hati

May 30, 2010 by Enida

Besok pagi saya akan menggagahkan hati untuk ke hospital di mana emak saya dirawat, lama sebelum keberangkatan beliau bertemu Pencipta. Agak banyak juga bekalan lampin pakai-buang dewasa yang tersisa. Hendaknya menjadi sekelumit bantuan di Wad 4 Lantai 6 hospital tersebut yang kafeterianya berdinding ungu.

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Hati saya yang kurang gagah ini sebenarnya bimbang. Kalau-kalau ada yang lebih tidak gagah. Seperti mata saya yang bundar ini. Maka entry ini adalah sebagai Peringatan Lembut supaya saya besok jangan memakai mascara. Kalau pakai juga, nescaya jenama Revlon tidak akan mengambil saya menjadi duta mascara mereka. Malah mengeluarkan bi-product berjenama Raccoon.

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Angel

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Posted in Mom | 4 Comments »

Enida Ini

May 30, 2010 by Enida

Sebaiknya saya pejamkan saja mata saya ini. Tidur, dan buang semua lelah. Malam sudah membawa ke pagi. Seperti sebaiknya saya pejamkan saja hati saya untuk cinta. Tutup semuanya. Jangan ada yang tiris masuk. Jangan ada yang tumpah ke luar. Penatnya hati saya menjaga cinta, tak terlambai tangan mohon dibalas.

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Sudahnya, seperti malam yang membawa ke pagi itu… cinta saya hilang di simpanan. Saya lah juga masih di situ. Memberi pada yang tidak menghargai. Dan apabila cinta pulang, yang hilang itu saya. Saya rupanya berpaling walau tak terus pergi. Cinta yang pulang itu tumpahnya tak saya sambut lagi. Entah serik, entah merajuk, entah kan memang tak dapat saya adakan. Dasar hilang di simpanan, begitulah. Ada yang tiada.

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Tidak mahu sembuh-sembuh luka saya ini rupanya. Tidak mahu pulih hanya dengan menjadi Enida yang begitu sejak 1998. Dua belas tahun menjadi Enida yang itu… sudahnya, selain dua anugerah syurga, telah saya jadi sebuah ruang kosong. Tak ada jendelanya, tapi telah dia memandang ke luar. Tak ada pintunya, tapi telah dia melangkah pergi. Tak ada warnanya, tapi tak juga ada cahaya. Terang yang menggelapkan jiwa.

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Haruskah saya terus diam di situ hanya untuk tidak menjadi Enida yang baru?

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Posted in Hurt | Leave a Comment »

Peribadi Itu

May 29, 2010 by Enida

Peribadi Itu

Menemuinya hari itu
ku tahu dia bukan musuh
kepada musuhnya
tetapi kekasih
kepada dunianya.

Memahaminya hari itu
ku kira dia adalah pencabar
yang mengajak aku menentangnya
dengan mata bersinar
dengan hati berdebar.

Aku tidak lagi merindu
pada si lembut palsu
dialah seberkas peribadi
yang terletak di tengah ruang
dan peribadi itu ku dekati
dengan hormat dan tenang.

Mengingatinya kini
serasa suaranya berulang
memesan ku meneliti
segenap ruang.

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Rahman Shaari

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Posted in Poetry | Tagged | Leave a Comment »

Good By Then

May 28, 2010 by Enida

Goodbye is probably the only word I say and never mean. I don’t say goodbye very often anyway. But I can tell you the truth right now that if I say goodbye to you and if I look like I am going to leave you… it’s a lie. I do not mean to leave and I do not leave. I go. But I always come back. And I stay in your heart (or so I wish).

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And so I will not say goodbye to you on June 5th, when I go. I would just tell you what you already know. That I carry you in my heart. That I will be good by the time we’ll meet again. That by then, I will have missed you so much that it won’t do me any good if I keep staying away from you.

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Set your day to Saturday.

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Posted in Write On | Tagged | 1 Comment »

Di Mana Enida Berada

May 26, 2010 by Enida

Yes I am in Malaysia and enjoying every minute of it! My plans with the superbike and flying class have yet to see the light of day. But today I have been given another hope that Bibik MIGHT make it to Mesra this Sunday!

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I am around if you would like to touch base or make that first contact with me in person. My number is visible on Facebook if you are on my Facebook List. And if you are not, you can email me at enida@mail.com. Otherwise you can always fake a wrong number call to 397 4316 and try to sound like an Ah Pek or Ah So selling Kuih Bakul out of its season.

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And Dr. T, we can always pretend that we enjoy the Teh Ais  (tak cukup teh and tak cukup ais) at the hospital’s cafeteria during your tea break one of these afternoons, eh?

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Yes, I will make appearance with my Big Man, at all times (for my own safety).

Posted in Travel | Tagged | 3 Comments »

Siri Bercakap Dengan Edrick XI

May 24, 2010 by Enida

Mommy: Edrick we’re going back to Malaysia today.

Edrick: Yayyyy! Mom I like Malaysia.

Mommy: You do, do you? What about Moscow? Wanna go back to Moscow?

Edrick: Not yet.

Mommy: Which one do you like more, Moscow or Malaysia?

Edrick: I like Moscow a lil bit.

Mommy: What about Malaysia?

Edrick: I like Malaysia a lot.

Mommy: So which one do you like more?

Edrick: I already told you Mom!

Mommy: Yeah you did but you didn’t.

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Posted in Monchies | Tagged | 2 Comments »

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