Facebook:
“Enida tells herself that courage – just like happiness – is not to be found, it is to be created.”
KaCher and I playfully experimented this not long ago, that if we wake up in the morning and make a decision to think happy thoughts, say happy things and just dress up to look good… we actually will be happy! KaCher even makes it a point to have her Facebook status sound cheerful as often as possible. It works!
Nothing new really. It is just based on “It’s all in the head” philosophy. But the key thing is, you have to DECIDE to be, and stay happy for as long as you can. Try it, if you haven’t already. You’ll find out how amazingly powerful your mind is.
Courage is also a decision one has to make. I mean, we really have to tell ourselves to brave it! It will not work if we just pray and keep praying, and look and keep looking for courage but never get ourselves up to fight whatever it is we’re afraid of. Most of the times, you will find that it is YOU yourself that is keeping you from your own strength and courage.
Like a year ago right on the dot, September 15th… I was grieving the loss of my beloved to a woman 10 years younger than myself. Forty days after my husband emailed me to announce that he was leaving me for this young married woman, I was done praying. I was done crying. And I was done looking for the courage that was playing hide-and-seek with me. So I phoned this 10-years-younger-than-me woman. I talked to her politely only to be advised that I should go talk to my husband. And only then would she take herself out of the picture. I didn’t think she realized it was my picture she was talking about.
I took her advice, nevertheless, as though in my ten yeas of marriage I never ever talked to my own husband. Even though she admitted that the thoughts of me and my kids crossed her mind, she was still going to spend her 3 weeks with him gallivanting in Spain for a free holiday… taking him away from his wife and two children, taking her away from her own husband and family over Hari Raya. (Oh wait a minute! She did pay my husband back RM10k – in two installments – her share for the holiday!)
And when they both came home – on the first day of Raya 2008 – from a regretful vacation in Spain, when my husband and I came face to face and I finally made my decision to let go of the marriage after we were done talking and he wasn’t coming home… I made another decision of courage. I went to her house! Again, I was done talking. I was done praying. I was done crying. I decided to move on. To be happy. (Happier, actually, for not getting tangled in such a mess.) And I got the courage from just making that decision. I also decided that it was time for a closure.
As I never underestimate nor do I ever look down upon an opponent, I was actually expecting a grown-up woman tête-à-tête with her. She was about to take away what had been mine for ten years. The least respect she could show her husband-to-be’s (soon-to-be-ex-) wife, was by giving her two minutes for a closure, I thought. But nope! In her very own words when I called her from outside the gate that evening, “You knowing where I live freaks me out, Kak Enida! This is where I grew up. The neighbors know me! Besides, I don’t go to your gate or your area and do this to you!?”
Dalam hati, I thought… “Hah? Of course you don’t come and storm me at my gate, you dummy! I am not taking anything yours! In fact, you should be ashamed of yourself and never come close to me, my kids or even my gates! Eeeekkkhhh!” I freaked her out? My sheer knowledge of her whereabouts gave her goosebumps? Yeah, that was because she thought I was stupid. And that… had shown me how laughable she was. Oiii she can have it lah!
Obviously she wasn’t going to come out unless her fiance was there. (Oh yes, she claimed he proposed to her and she even had a special dress for the occasion, okay! Oh mi amore!)
Hmmm… you know what, I should keep the rest of this story of courage for my novel. Look for Enida’s bestseller on the shelves, will ya? Chewah, bestseller, cik main! Hehe. If you can’t find it in the autobiography section, then you won’t miss it in the fiction! Tajuk novel akan diumumkan dalam beberapa bulan akan datang. Most likely it will be plagiarized from a movie title: Enemy At The Gate.
(Chin, how’s this for a cheap promo? Leng em leng?)
Do you have someone with whom you can stay back, sitting at your kids’ school corridor for an hour or more just to get your daily laugh stock talking silly girls’ talk like how’s best to pluck our underarm hair, and whom you can confide in, telling her what a terrible mother you think you are only to discover you both are doing the best that you can? I do.
Do you have someone who reconnects with you effortlessly, reading your mind as well as reading your blog while leaving insightful and funny comments that never fail to remind you of your own childhood and your humble beginning, keeping you humble in a subtly humble way? I do.
So you see, by the time I have time to defend my country in a war against some neighboring country, it would already be 31st of August 2020, and I would probably be in Kecamatan Juntinyuat anyway, busy saving Bibik from the rising sea levels due to global warming.
It’s not easy to ignore that I see more and more empty cans now walking around. Oh yeah, these cans can grow legs too! Neither it is easy for me to admit that I was one helluvanemptycan myself when I was, uh…circa 23. But then again I have come to accept the spiciness in my sambal, that some people do grow up… the rest just grow old.
Which part of the words friend and face that these people need translation with again? It is a disappointing disparity from flattering and it can be downright scary when a stranger comes to you on the street, shakes your hand and requests that you be his friend. Don’t you think?
I am now getting longer responses from Kitreena to my “What did you learn at school today?” question everyday when she comes home. Last school year in Kindy (at AAS) and Year 1 (at AISM), she almost always gave me the dismissive answer, “I can’t remember everything I learn at school, Mom!” or “I forgot.” I sighed, I rolled my eyes, I even got upset sometimes. But so far I have not missed asking. God bless my stubborn soul!
Questa è Enida 