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Satu Machiam

Kalao wa mao ikut hati aaa, memang sula lama talak tahan wo. Wa machiam-machiam sula chiupe. Sula kasi semayang, sula kasi lo’a, sula kasi saba wa munyia hati. Sula tahan lua taun. Liswan aaa, mukan festaim okey. Sula manyiak kali. Wa mao cheliter oso mikin hancho wa munyia hati. Etfes mao liam-liam kasi lupa, wa tamau pising. Sula upat hati, tutup puku. Tapi ni olang manyiak suka pikin sakit wa munyia hati. Lia munyia mulut manyiak musok wo. Hati lia manyiak losak. Haiiiyyyaaa!

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Lastaim aaa, lia lagi mao tinggai wa sama choodren aaa, taim wa munyia amak lagi sakit palah sana spitai lulok aisiyu koma aaa, lia lagi pest pigi holilay lengan lia munyia amoy mini olang pigi Spen sana wo. Sula mao tinggai, sumua pun chiakap pakai emel oni wo. Tamau malik lumah chiakap lepan-lepan wa munyia muker. Tamau tengok choodren munyia muker. Kichiam munyia olang ni machiam. Haiiiyyyaaa!

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Itu chiam aaa, wa manyiak seley wo aitelyu. Satu mulan wa kasi tempo lili sinili mao keliau ka, mau chiaput kining ka, mao chiaput lali ka, mao kaler lamput ka, mao potong ayam hitam ka, mao motong kitah ka. Satu mulan apis aaa, Tuan Ala sula kasi tunchiuk wa sain, suluh wa mangkit wo. Tamau seley-seley tu machiam. Vely unplolaktif, one cent oso kenot plofit maa. Wa pun mangkit aaa, mangun chali kuat, lapat kuat sikit hati. Palan kimok pun sula kulus itu chiam apis satu mulan. Haiiiyyyaaa!

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Taim lia palik Spen sama tu mini olang, lagi hali laya maa. Lagi lulok sana hotel Chiulompo Klaun Plasa, tamau palik tengok choodren. Lagi lia munyia amoy sula pleknen tatao siapa kasi pleknen. Lia sinili munyia lou-gong ka, wa munyia lou-gong ka. Sampai sikalang pun tatao itu anak aaa siapa lia munyia apak wo. Itu amoy munyia lou-gong pun wa ingat tatao itu anak ala plopapility pukan lia munyia wo. Talak hati munyia mini talak kasitao. Haiiiyyyaaa!

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Etfes aaa, wa pun tao laa lia sula no more sayang-sayang sama wa oledy. Okey la kasi lepas laa. Lia mao mini palu, go ahead maa. Sula chiemu ni machiam, kasi  eksklim make-over oso nating happen, wa gelenti munyia. So aaa, wa pun chiumpa itu mini olang lagi mao pakai lua laki aaa, kasi lia tao laa. Wa pun manusia piasa ala hati maa. Satu hali nanti aa, kalao olang lain latang kasi angkat lia munyia laki pun lia misti mao seley wo. Sinili mao ingat laa hor? Lulu wa lapat wa munyia lou-gong, lia lagi lula maa – tala mini – sula chiyerai. Ini olang awsai mao main manyiak laki meh? Chichik wo. Haiiiyyyaa!

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Eniwei, sula pagi meh? Haiiiyyyaaa wa mao tilo lulu aaa. Ala meeting plochek pagoi munyia lalam chiam sepulo ini machiam. Wa misti mao sampung veli veli shotli. Lali satu machiam misti masok lua machiam.

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After Hate

In all my strength, there is one thing I am not built for. I have no ability to hate. I wish I could. And if I could, I wish I could hate and be hurtful. And if I could hate, I wish I could use the ugliest language ever spoken on earth – complete with the spitting and the snorting, if there is such a language. Mind you, I am very linguistic!

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But I am just not built nor made to hate. Not that way. And all the worldly languages would fail me when I am hurt or when I am even thinking of having an intention to hate. I  have the tendency to think before I hate. There is no such thing as after I hate, either. Because I have never been able to go all the way to the starting point of hating. Hating finishes before it begins.

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Life is short. Hating does not just shorten it. It kills the heart. But as heartless as I would like to think I am… I am very much alive.

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Maybe I

Maybe I didn’t believe that Mom was watching over me from heaven. I have been longing for her touch so much… that I merajuk in a way. Yes, I merajuk a lot these days with so many people. I merajuk with the whole world, if the whole world cares. But for now, I would only admit that I merajuk with Mom for going too soon.

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Maybe I didn’t believe that Mom was watching over me from heaven. So today God shed some light on me. And I saw it in the eyes of Mr. Traffic Policeman who stopped me for going 25km over the speed limit near the Penchala Link! He was speaking very politely and giving me a very gentle reminder to slow down a notch. He even asked me to “Take care tau!” If he wasn’t wearing those RayBan, I swear he actually winked at me. Oh Enida!

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Maybe I didn’t believe that Mom was watching over me from heaven. Until He gave me someone who spoke to me so tenderly just as though I was hearing Mom in the gentle voice calling me Sayang all the way. There were times today when I felt like running into the loving arms just to be me, that scared little me. But the strength in Mom was in me.

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Maybe I didn’t believe that Mom was watching over me from heaven. Until I feel her presence in every empty space in my heart, sitting with my two children… one on her left and one on her right.

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Happy Birthday Mom. You would have been 62 today. I missed you yesterday just as much as I miss you today, and just the way that I will tomorrow.

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Dalam semua esok, kita ada semalam.
In all tomorrows, we have yesterdays.

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No More

Long has it been since I had my last bite of jackfruit. Very long. I was probably only Kitreena’s age then. But it was all because of merajuk. I wanted the last piece. That was all that was left anyway. And I hadn’t had any. I was busy doing dishes. Yes, I started doing dishes years before I turned eight.

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So, I wanted that last piece of jackfruit. But all that was returned to the kitchen was an empty plate. I cried! I cried like it was going to be the last jackfruit ever existed on earth. Ever. Berhabis hati saya merajuk. And I never touched any jackfruit ever since.

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It must have been almost 30 years. Until tonight. Tonight, December 18th, 2010, a Saturday night, I just had my first bite of jackfruit after all these years.

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I have changed.

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And I… merajuk no more.

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Saya Ini

Tunggu lah sekejap.
Sampai jiwa saya ini hilang lembutnya.
Sampai hati saya ini datang seriknya.
Sampai senyum saya ini kurang manisnya.
Sampai suara saya ini pudar merdunya.
Dan sampai diri saya ini tiada mahunya.

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Saya ini irama yang hilang lagunya.

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*Enida
Mesra Terrace
December 16, 2010

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Saya Ada

Terasa hendak menulis dengan panjang. Yang singkat adalah masa saya. Terasa  hendak pergi jauh. Yang tersekat adalah langkah saya. Terasa hendak  tinggalkan semua. Tapi yang ada ini lah saja. Dan saya sayang semua yang saya ada. Saya bawa semuanya.

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Dalam hati.

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Dan tak perlu FB.

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Monchies The Musical

Edrick had his first guitar lesson today at Yamaha Music School at Solaris Dutamas. I was going to sit in with him for the first ten minutes, just in case. But ten seconds into it I changed my mind.  Ami, the guitar teacher, and Edrick needed to warm up to each other in that little classroom that resembled my fridge temperature-wise.

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Half an hour of eavesdropping and me trying out the sixteen thousand Ringgit piano in the showroom, I thought I heard Edrick plucking his questions upon questions more than him plucking the guitar. Seriously, I thought of hiring a live-in guitar teacher before Edrick could even begin paying attention to the guitar (and not questioning why guitars are made curvy!)

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When he came running out from the tiny classroom in the back to the showroom, he actually looked more excited than before he went in.

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Edrick: Mommy! Mommy! I finished five pages of my beginners book, Mom!

Mommy: Oh wow! Five pages?

Edrick: Yes, five! And it’s only my first day. Mommy are you impressed?

Mommy: Me oh my! I am extremely impressed!

Edrick: Yeah! Me too, I am impressed with myself!

Mommy: Right on! That’s all that matters, Monch.

Edrick: I am coming again, Mom.

Mommy: So am I, sweetheart. So am I.

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I am signing up for piano while Kitreena is continuing her violin. Anyone up for the drummer position? Huh, beat us!

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Kalaupun

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Kata bergadang kuning selancang,
walau selisih sampan di hulu;
Mata terpandang hati bergoncang,
kalaupun kasih simpan dahulu.

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Of Warm Shoulders

Nothing hides tears better than laughter.

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So I have bounced back. Many times higher. Yes, again. And I find it amazing that the very thing that breaks my heart, mends my soul. Thank you for your prayers and faith in me. Thank you for your soothing words and warm shoulders. Thank you for the distractions as well.

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I am all patched up.

Yes, again.

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Just So You Know

Words flow into me just like tears flow out of me. I have so much to say. But in times like this, the pain is just so great… all I can let flow is myself. I can see no way out but through the prayers, love and words that come to me in your voice and thoughts. And even in silence. I may not see, but I feel you. For I am not that blind.